tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-41365535359081027412024-03-13T09:12:36.417-07:00Crooked LullabiesMayhem is the preferred mainstream Matt Bowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03572590318890216614noreply@blogger.comBlogger124125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4136553535908102741.post-77905231467886013912023-02-03T16:38:00.004-08:002023-02-03T17:01:23.768-08:00Crooked Lullabies is now Gunmeddle (and has been since 2017)<p><a href="http://www.gunmeddle.wordpress.com"><b><span style="font-family: times; font-size: x-large;">GUNMEDDLE</span></b></a></p><p>Go there now! (or don't. whatever)</p>Matt Bowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03572590318890216614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4136553535908102741.post-57862857058621004732017-05-16T19:49:00.000-07:002017-05-26T15:30:29.413-07:00AM Shift Manager Paul Ryan Speaks at the Big Ol’ Fuck You Burger Dome Morning Meeting<div class="MsoNormal">
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Gather ‘round. Gather ‘round…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Nice To See You’re Still Alive, Losers.” Why are
you guys looking at me like I’m wearing a dead squid like a hat? That’s the
official Big Ol’ Fuck You Burger Dome customer greeting. That’s right, troops.
I got big news. You no longer work for Happy Humphrey’s Burger Palace. As you
know we’re under new management. That said…yes, the five-foot pockmarked
vomiting cartoon heart-monitor on the marquee is our new mascot, Barfy
McFlatline. A truckload of plush Barfy squeeze dolls for Fuck You Big Smile
Kiddy Meals are en route as I speak.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Now, everyone, can we practice the new Big Ol’ Fuck
You Burger Dome greeting? With gusto…3,2,1…hell yeah! That’s the spirit. Nice
to see most of you are aboard so quickly, and without pause or inquiry. What
the heck is wrong with a little less than half of you? You better pep up post
haste. You don’t want last Tuesday’s uneaten Fuck You Gone Repealin’ Fish
Sandwiches stuffed in your breakroom locker, do you? I’ll do it. I swear I’ll
do it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Listen, when I unlock the entrance and the herd
rushes in for their Fuck You Bucket O’ Scrapple with side Turd Tots, smile like
you stumbled upon a duffle bag full of white privilege down by the trains
tracks, and say “Hey, Nice To See You’re Still Alive, Loser.” Everybody. Loud
and proud. Okay? It’s not a choice, people. In case you forget the motto, it’ll
be under your name on the shiny new Fuck You pins I’m handing out now. Take a
gander at mine: “Hi. My name is Shift Manager Paul. Fuck You.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Okay, moving on. I need to inform you all of a few more
decisions from regional management that need implemented yesterday, no
exceptions. First and foremost, the 99 Cent Pocket Change menu has been
discontinued. Poof. If a customer can’t afford anything off the regular Fuck
You menu, said customer will just have to go hungry. It’s that simple.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Next, we are damn proud to announce that the prices
of all items on the Glowering Don Fuck You Combo Menu have decreased. However, the menu has been scaled back just a
wee tad. The advertised price of any of the selections off the Glowering Don
Fuck You Combo Menu now only cover a yet-to-be-determined portion of the meat
patty, your choice of the top or bottom half of the bun, 13 fries, 7.3 sesame
seeds, a “smidgeon” of lettuce, and the bubbly top part of the soda. Everything
else—onions, tomatoes, pickles, the other 9 fries or 27.7 sesame seeds,
etc.—are priced a la carte. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Furthermore, we won’t advertise the price of these
non-essential items. Customers will receive an invoice from Big Ol’ Fuck You
Burger Dome in 1-3 months. Cashiers, you will be required to casually leaf
through the written protocol detailing the new billing process. If a customer
says “huh?” or “wait, what–?” or issues similar expressions of confusion or
incomprehension, read the text to them. But fast, okay? We’re not feeding these
people for their health.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Oh, here’s an exciting new feature. Customers may
now choose to have one of those colored tooth picks stuck into their sandwich.
These adornments are offered at the small fee of full price, as they are for
cosmetic purposes only. Customers’ entry into the premises constitute their
binding acceptance of a waiver of our liability if they, or their minor child,
eats one. FYI.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">We will also be following an age-based pricing
policy. For instance, take the Fuck You Wake ‘n Bacon Croissant. Let’s say
you’re 23 years-old and spry, and just stopping by for a quick bite. You’re
still young enough to decide not to be poor for the rest of your life. But the
older you get, the more of an investment breakfast becomes. For those older
folk who’ve made poor life choices, who depend on the Fuck You Wake ‘n Bacon
Croissant for survival morning-after-morning—perhaps because they’re too needy
to shop at Whole Foods, or too enfeebled to push a grocery cart, or hell, maybe
their nursing home trolley only stops here—there’s a soup kitchen up in Canada,
Grandpa. On the other hand, parents of all ages are still allowed to share
their leftovers with their children, provided said children are 26 years of age
or younger.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Listen up, this is an important one—customers
seeking the Great Again All-You-Can-Eat Salad Buffet will not be allowed to
partake in dining if they enter the premises with pre-existing hunger. A fellow
who skips breakfast then pays seven dollars for the buffet, but eats seven
dollars and thirty seven cents worth of iceberg lettuce and fixins’…well, you
don’t gotta’ be Copernicus to know that that equals an unsustainable lunch
model. Hunger must be acquired on Big Ol’ Fuck You Burger Dome property, formal
geographical co-ordinates of which are of course available at the Country
Registrar’s Office.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Finally, and we won’t advertise this for obvious
reasons, but one out of every 150 Fuck You Big Coup-huna Burgers may or may not
be saturated with potassium cyanide. Hey, such is the unavoidable collateral
cost of providing such hearty meals to a hungry populace at the cut-rate costs
available only from your local China. Besides, Big Ol’ Fuck You Burger Dome
mercifully gives customers the god-damn freedom to opt out of any participation
in dining. Which is to say, nobody here
is being strong-armed to pay a grossly unfair fee for possibly dying. It’s
called “freedom” for a reason. We all want freedom-from-death, and sometimes
you can actually have it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I know what you guys are thinking. “Shift Manager
Ryan, as both an employee and a loyal customer of Big Ol’Fuck You Burger Dome,
will I also be eligible and/or forced to take advantage of all these awesome
changes?” The answers is no. All employees are exempt. Sorry.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Ok, so let’s all hustle our butts today, and be sure
to implement and enforce all policy changes as hurriedly as possible. Yes, some
customers may give you guff concerning the new and improved Fuck You policies.
Tell them to call their congressman. Oh, one last thing. Fuck You Super-Patriot
Freedom Fries are off the menu today. Bernie, the mouthy line cook, called in
sick.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 14pt;">Hey, who knew the deep fryer was so complicated.</span></div>
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Matt Bowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03572590318890216614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4136553535908102741.post-21138959713526565482017-05-16T19:48:00.001-07:002017-05-17T14:59:42.039-07:00Hey Ellis<div class="MsoNormal">
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I have pledged to myself time and again to ignore
the headlines and go back to writing Monongahela River Fish Power Rankings, or
Gary Busey's Commencement Speech at Southwest Paducah Institute of Driveway
Drainage, or whatnot. But I can't. My buddies say "less politics, and more
Bumper Balls reviews." But I just can't.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The chorus of gobbledygook sung from the DC Shitshow
All Star Band is an earworm that's munched into my brain and nests in the
frontal cortex. (I mean, for Christ's sake, whenever Trump sullies the airwaves
you can practically see the shiny zipper on the human body suit that disguises
the babbling gollum underneath). Short of pouring potassium cyanide into my
ear, I'll just have to deal. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I don't blame Trump for the mess. He is who he is; I
don't blame my four-year-old son when he dumps his bowl of noodles. I don't
even blame the GOP in Congress, really. Sure, they're greedy cutthroat
mercenaries who disembowel common feeders to feast like royalty themselves, but god love 'em
for being true to themselves. Who I want to curb stomp with nuclear-tipped duct
boots is the sea-to-sea league of nincompoops who rolled out the plush red
carpets for the child king and his merry gaggle of dickheads. These people are
the real disease, and they've developed pseudoscientific, dogmatic, patriotic
antibodies to facts and critical thinking.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Regarding genetically engineering embryos to achieve
certain traits—I recall my college Biology 301 professor saying that humans
have evolved to the point where DNA can be altered so that a baby is born with
blue-eyes and a cleft-chin, if that's the parents' desire. Therefore, the
thinking goes, genetic engineering is as biologically natural as two penguins humping or a sprout of ragwort growing in a cruddy gutter. That concept
blew my mind. That humans have developed the technology capable of destroying
the planet via greenhouse gases or H-bombs, or mastered the mass manipulation
skills to convince a zombie population to vote against their own interests,
etc, etc, etc...I can't help but think that the self-inflicted oxidation of
mankind is simply nature taking its course, albeit in a macabre yet poetic way,
like when a bee stings an enemy to survive, but dies when it rips its fucking
guts out attempting to flee. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman", serif; font-size: 14pt;">As George Carlin once said, we in America have front
row seats to the freak show that is humanity. Maybe it's time to stop throwing
tomatoes at the stage, and start eating popcorn instead. White cheddar, please.</span></div>
Matt Bowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03572590318890216614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4136553535908102741.post-49002289931757794982017-04-26T14:48:00.000-07:002017-07-15T09:09:34.217-07:00I'm Thinking About Adopting a Terminally Sick Hamster For My Son<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Throughout
much of April and May, our backyard was home to a garter snake. My son Uri
considered him an outdoor pet. "Let's go see the snake," he'd say, excitedly. Docile the snake slithered among the grass nearly every time we
visited the backyard. (The name Docile is earned). Eventually, my son
emboldened himself to touch Docile. When our family returned home after an
Easter weekend away Uri was eager to greet his friend. Instead, he
discovered Docile upside down and ripped in half. "The snake's tail is all
broken," he said.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">The
following is inspired partly by that moment.<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></i>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Y6qgWqhRJSo/WQEERivECPI/AAAAAAAABo0/GCKAsajTPDIFRi-BYuAwQjUtJGnOB6DRQCEw/s1600/snake.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Y6qgWqhRJSo/WQEERivECPI/AAAAAAAABo0/GCKAsajTPDIFRi-BYuAwQjUtJGnOB6DRQCEw/s320/snake.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Docile</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<i><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></i>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt;">I'm thinking about adopting a terminally sick
hamster and giving it to my four-year-old son as a pet. Ideally, he'll will
fall in love with the hamster shortly before the damn thing dies. I want this
because I love my son.</span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Stay
with me…<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Here's what I imagine: I visit a Pet Smart on a
sunny low-humidity Sunday afternoon, and stroll by all the dopey "pwease
take me home…pweeease" looks on the faces of the puppies and kittens. I stop at the hamster cage and scan the critters for
the one most likely to croak within a week or two. "Hey, look at the
pathetic balled-up one, half-buried in the cedar bedding—the shaky 'lil bastard
with all the shit coming out of his bloodshot eyes. Please plop that one in a
box for me, my good man. </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">My son will be so excited."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Surely enough, my son is swamped with glee when he
unfolds the take-out box with air holes. I tell my son his new pet's name is
Squiggly. Though my son seems bemused by the sludge bubbling out of
Squiggly's nostrils, I assure him that his new pet is healthy. At least
Squiggly isn't smothered in vomit crust. Hours later, when Squiggly barfs all
over his fur, I say "Don't you worry, boy. Squiggly is fine. Hold him.
Love him. The muffled banshee squeals are hamster-speak for 'You’re my best
friend.' Hear that? Squiggly is telling you he'll be here forever and ever. "<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Okay,
listen, I know this seems morbid—it is morbid—but hang in there. My son is endlessly affectionate. The
aforementioned stunt, albeit fantasy and confined to a blog post, is cruel. But
stay with me, please. I'm not as think as you sick I am, officer.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Anyway, my son falls in love with Squiggly, despite
the critter's waning existence as a cuddly petri dish for the Bubonic Plague.
My son carries him everywhere in his tiny palm, and pets his new bestie with
his tiny inger. <i>Everything Is Awesome</i> (the theme from the Lego Movie,
duh) thumps from the stereo while my son claps and skips in hopes of enlivening
the wheezing fur ball in the five gallon aquarium. Amid her weekly phone call,
Grammie is regaled with tales about how Squiggly crawled along the plastic
Duplo train tracks, and collapsed near Thomas the Tank Engine. My
son's daycare playmates are tired of hearing the excitable boy yammer on about
the toddler love triangle between himself, Squiggly, and their sparkling future
as owner and pet. In an infinite universe in which there are an infinite amount
of things to fall asleep staring at, Squiggly is who gradually fades from my son's loving
gaze in the pale nightlight -- another unwilling
surrender in the nightly war to stay awake forever. Goodnight you two
buggers. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">My son loves Squiggly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">But Squiggly dies overnight.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">“Fix Squiggly,” my son says.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">“I can’t,” I reply. “He’s broken, buddy. He’s broken
forever.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">“FIX HIM,” he repeats, holding Squiggly against his
chest.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">“BROKEN FOREVER,” I say. I pry my son’s fingers from
stiff chilly Squiggly one-by-one as tears drip onto the corpse that had been a dear
companion hours ago. I dig a small hole in the back yard, hold Squiggly out
like a dirty sock and drop him by the tail into the hole. I replace the dirt
then tamp it down. Snot is smeared about my son's contorted red face.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I'm sorry, kiddo. Truly. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt;">***</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I would be right to gift a four-year-old a
terminally ill hamster. Sure, the mere thought of my son's reaction to Squiggly's
death is heart-wrenching. But it's for the best. </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt;">Squiggly’s death would constitute a life lesson.
Yes, I could try to explain to a four-year-old the concept of loss, but I might
as well be having a heart-to-heart with a gardening trowel. Loss, if it is to
be understood appropriately, needs context. Only the emotional impact of a
palpable loss—Squiggly in this case—would prepare the boy for further
adventures in life. Yes, my teaching method is perhaps unsavory, and god knows
I'm no child physiologist, or even an experienced parent, but surely the benefits to
my son are understood. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt;">I'd say "long-term emotional scarring be
damned</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt;">," but that's the point. A scar is a reminder of pain, but is not
painful.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt;">Moreover, Squiggly would spend the last few days of
his miserable life in the presence of my son's love. So Squiggly wins too.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I have to prepare my son for a future of life on
Earth…THIS BEAUTIFUL, INSANE, TOO OFTEN GROTESQUE EARTH. I don't consider myself a tough love parent. I'm not going to tell my
son to touch the stovetop burner so he learns it's hot. I'll just tell him it's
hot. Besides, physical pain is easily forgotten. Wait until he's a teenager at a river
lot party and he drops his cigarette too close to the fire pit. Wait until he
does it again the next weekend. He can
blame drunken instinct and a momentary lack of self-awareness when he curses
the blisters on his fingers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Specifically, I want him to learn, before puberty, that shit is
fucked up. Real shit, I mean. Not stovetops and camp fires—they always have
been, are, and always will be, HOT. Don't touch them, idiot. I'm talkin' real shit, like
neurotoxins in the drinking water, or North Korea aiming a long-range nuclear
missile at Sunshine Garden Daycare. I'm talkin' real shit, like a loved one getting
splayed about Route 22 after being t-boned by a half-asleep overworked Big
Ron's Transport driver, or mankind's murder-suicide of Earth; it's easier to
ignore Bill Nye than do the one simple thing he suggests will save the planet
from becoming a dystopian greenhouse—"everything, all at once."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><em>You know what I mean. You read the news.
Not to suggest that "things are worse nowadays" as the cliché goes.
Hostility has actually decreased since the advent of the printing press, or
thereabouts. (Thanks Steven Pinker) "Nowadays" worldwide coverage is
24/7, be it CNN or social media, and the rockets and bombs are deadlier.
People, on the other hand, like stovetop burners and campfires, have always been,
are, and will always be, HOT.</em><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">As a father, I sometimes feel like a con man. Part
of my paternal assignment is to shield my son from shit reality, or, at least,
distract him from it. (What?! Some jackass martyr rammed a dump truck into the
maypole festival! Look kiddo…a butterfly!)
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I morph into the blanket monster and tickle him into oblivion. I
sacrifice my back to give him laundry hamper roller coaster rides. I
read him <em>Frog and Toad Are Friends</em> at bedtime; those two amphibious amigos
continually find themselves in a heap of trivial burden but always wind up cozy and
carefree, and together. Although I never <em>tell</em> my son that everything will always
be fun, or be cheery like the ending of a <em>Frog and Toad</em> adventure, I certainly give him that
impression.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Believe me, I want his life to be endless tickle
traps and breakneck hamper rides. But I'm selling him snake oil, in a way. I turn out the bedroom light and rub his head while he drifts to sleep, and I
tell him I'll see him in the morning when the whoopee and hoopla will begin anew. Literally two minutes later I'm watching babies choke from the effects of sarin gas, or Kim Jong-Un leak pre-cum at the notion of an intercontinental ballistic missile lambasting Seattle. Or Donald Fucking Trump. So when I whisper bedtime pleasantries into my son's ear, I kinda' feel like a goddamn fraud. I do. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">But not the night Squiggly dies.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">"Sorry about Squiggly, son. He was a good
friend; you loved him and he loved you. But he's broken forever. Sometimes good
things just go away. Poof. And sometimes bad things take their place. For now,
rejoice. The water isn't poisoned, your daycare isn't leveled, Dad's guts
aren't strewn about the interstate, and global warming hasn't yet…well, forget
that one. Well, don't forget it-forget it. Take heed of it. Lots of heed. But
don't worry about those other things. They don't affect you, yet. Hopefully
never will. Probably never will, actually. But maybe. Regardless, all I can
promise is that the blanket monster will tickle you and you'll swirl though the
air in a laundry hamper as long as Dad has his faculties. But Dad's
faculties are tenuous. Someday he may not be strong enough to lift you, and his
brain might go wonky and he won't recognize your face. Who knows? Hopefully you
will have grown too big to fit in the hamper by time Dad is diagnosed...<em>if </em>he
ever is, but he probably won't be. Listen, I'm not trying to scare you. But
everything you have in life...everything is like Squiggly. Squiggly, be he a dead hamster, is also a metaphor. It's really just a
matter of time before...poof. But some "Squigglys" last a long, long time.
Sometimes you vamoose first. Oh Jesus, let's not go there. I'm not trying to spook
you into not falling in love with something, or someone. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Love stuff, boy. Love stuff fucking hard.
Love stuff the way Dad loves you, if you feel so compelled. You're like my Squiggly,
less the hemorrhaging. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Bottom line here -- just don't forget how much you loved Squiggly, and planned on growing old together. And don't forget that, now, he smells as putrid as a...well...what I mean to say is that...ah...maggots are feasting on his...ah...he's rejoining the circle of life. Anyway...TICKLE TRAP!"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"> <o:p></o:p></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt;">***</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Besides kiddo, Squiggly's death rattle and pus
trails should've been red flags concerning your impractical-reptilian-brain commitment to inevitable disappointment and ruin.
Where's your critical thinking skills, boy? You don't want to be one of <i>them*</i>, do you? Ah, but that's a lesson/blog post for another day.</span><br />
<div style="border-image: none;">
</div>
</div>
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<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-cxmpPSZF5Yc/WQEEyZ4qQ6I/AAAAAAAABo8/mslI5aL9qQwkOurghzqxkYHvYGMZZW_7wCEw/s1600/hamster.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-cxmpPSZF5Yc/WQEEyZ4qQ6I/AAAAAAAABo8/mslI5aL9qQwkOurghzqxkYHvYGMZZW_7wCEw/s320/hamster.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Squiggly</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
*Trump voters/GOP Congresspeople/concussed second graders<br />
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Matt Bowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03572590318890216614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4136553535908102741.post-28445640368627788842017-04-04T07:20:00.000-07:002017-04-13T08:04:52.572-07:00An American Patriot’s Apology to Those Not Pre-Selected to Board the "Fuck You Alex Baldwin" Deep Space Colonizer<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt;">Stop whining. You can't be in too dire straits if
you're reading this. I mean, you're alive, right? Right? I bet your latest monthly
heating bills chart like an upside down hockey stick. Huzzah! Atlanta is now
within a carefree Sunday jaunt of the creeping Georgian coastline. Surf's up,
brah! Hell, you can fry lizard meat on a rock in Missouri. You know, in case you're
in a "Most Dangerous Game" type situation and you desperately need food.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Y</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt;">ou're welcome, by the way…Ugh!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">All joking aside, how were we supposed to know that
shit on Earth would get so catawampus? It's not like internationally respected
scientists Neil degrasse Tyson and Bill Nye "The Sorry-But-The-Planet-Is-Royally-Screwed-You-Idiots
Guy" weren't exploding our Twitter and Facebook feeds daily with grim
warnings that our Earth would careen toward desolation if we didn't curb our
fossil fuel dependency. How could any sane person take either seriously? For
Christ’s sake, Tyson wore those god-awful flamboyant science-y suit vests, and
Nye taught seven-year-olds how to make whirlpools inside 2-liter bottles of
Coke. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Sure, there was also the other 97% of worldwide
nameless climatologists who were proclaiming the same ominous predictions. But
they weren't personally bothering us on YouTube, so…. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Of course, what if all those guys were flat-out
wrong? The remaining 3% of climatologists are climatologists too, right?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Besides, throughout history, science has changed its
mind sooo many times. Remember when we were told acid rain would ruin
everything? Nowadays, I'd swear "acid rain" was a nickname for a
newfangled street drug. Remember that so-called hole in the so-called ozone layer?
I sacrificed years of dousing my pompadour in Aqua Net, and for what? That shit
musta’ closed up overnight. Hell, not too long ago scientists were worried
about “global cooling”. Hah! That Doomsday prophesy was forgotten real damn
quick when those beady eyed nerds with their dorky numbers realized with nearly
100% certainly that industrial carbon dioxide was rising to the atmosphere and
trapping heat, thus threatening humanity. "Global cooling?”…FAIL. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">"What if these climate alarmists are
hoaxers?" we wondered. Surely one can understand that stance? Intellectual
luminaries such as ex-vice <i>presidential</i>
candidate Sarah Palin sure as hell thought the jig was up. And what
right-minded patriot wouldn't paint her likeness into the Last Science Supper
alongside fellow geniuses Carol Sagan, Steven Hawking, Dr. Emmet Brown, Bruce
Banner, and...ah…other super-duper smart experts. Hell, Ted friggin' Nugent
thought global warming was balderdash too. You know, 70's <i>rock icon</i> Ted Nugent—the dude who penned the classic ballad
"Wang Dang Sweet Poontang," and once adopted a 17 year-old so he
could legally fuck her. I'm sorry, but when Ted Nugent screeches incoherently
between bouts of snarling at himself in the mirror, I listen. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Okay. Okay. Palin and Nugent aside, what
honest-to-goodness blue-blooded star-spangled American wouldn’t take as gospel
the worldview of the freely elected leader of the industrialized world, the
45th-47th President of the United States, Our 1st Big League Vanquisher of
Intergalactic Binary Star Systems, Donald J. Trump? He warned us from
practically day one of campaigning that global warming was a big fat joke
perpetrated by China. When you connected the dots, it seemed to make perfect
sense: The worldwide scientific community was actually a clandestine horde of
Chinese foreign actors—students of the Inspector Clouseau School of Foolery—hiding
in plain sight behind lab coats and novelty periodic table ties, and planted in
these United States to punk the American people into ditching their
gas-guzzling Hummers for much, much, much more economical two-door Ford
Focuses, recycling trash bags full of empty Schlitz cans, and preventing
millions of children from suffering the lifelong effects of asthma. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Personally, I figured the whole charade seemed
nothing more than a highly coordinated Chinese scam to sell Americans Bonsai
trees on Arbor Day.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Donald Trump was a godsend. Finally, here's a fearless
non-politician politician who actually spoke his mind, man. Bully for him. Not
only that, the guy assured us he was very highly educated. He knew words. In
fact, he had the best words. Who were we simple-minded peons to fucking
question a juggernaut like him?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Alright, so maybe we goofed. I'll admit that some
among us became a little concerned when, within exactly 37 seconds after taking
the oath of office, President Trump pledged to gut climate change research, and
signed an executive order to halt carbon dioxide emissions regulations. But
Uncle Biff didn't despair, boy. He tossed his coal miner helmet in the crisp,
clean air like it was friggin’ graduation day. "Fuck yeah! Coal won the
war on coal," he screamed in delight. The family took him to Chuck E.
Cheese's and bought him a pack of multi-colored glow sticks and five spider
rings to celebrate. He was so giddy that he almost forgot his iron lung between
the out-of-order Dance Dance Revolution game and the animatronics stage.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Uncle Biff is dead now. He never got to use that
coal miner helmet again. Actually, that ain't altogether true. He was buried in
it. So, yeah, I guess you could say he got to wear it underground again. RIP
Uncle Biff. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Anywho, apologizes to those who weren't pre-selected
by The Divine Overseer of The Ministry of Perfect Human Specimens Steve Bannon
("his DNA be praised forever and ever") to board the <i>"Fuck You Alex Baldwin" Deep Space
Colonizer</i> with Trump and the boys. I wasn't one of them either, if that
makes you feel any better.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Seems Bill Nye was right—Earth is royally screwed.
Moreover, that blasted Hillary Clinton never was fitted for that orange
jumpsuit after all, so this whole knowingly destroying the planet thing was all
for naught, but whatever. For me, I'm just going to wash my hands of this whole
dang mishap and die guiltless, knowing I had my reasons.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Hey, look on the bright side. No one is worried
about their internet service providers selling their browser history to "evil " corporations
anymore. Hah! Now excuse me while I put a lil' "Wang Dang Sweet Poontang"
on the ol' stereo and let The Nuge power chord my worries away…"Wang dang,
what a sweet poontang. A shakin' my thang, as a rang-a-dang-dang in the bell.
Ohh baby…"<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-LubxDsb4tjk/WOQFqL-xybI/AAAAAAAABn8/r1VzIEX-t00988BDIonPFzSmxV6ejqG1ACLcB/s1600/lung.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="222" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-LubxDsb4tjk/WOQFqL-xybI/AAAAAAAABn8/r1VzIEX-t00988BDIonPFzSmxV6ejqG1ACLcB/s320/lung.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Matt Bowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03572590318890216614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4136553535908102741.post-8292996800412272722017-03-22T18:18:00.002-07:002017-03-22T18:52:48.722-07:00What I've Noticed Since I Quit the Daily News Cold Turkey<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">1. The night terrors are in gradual remission.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">2. The sun.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">3. I'm getting boners again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">4. Laughter is still a thing, somehow.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">5. I can have a conversation <i>just</i> about baseball.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">6. The lesions on the back of my neck are healing
after week-upon-week of subconsciously clawing at my skin.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">7. I have new neighbors (hi, Pam and Emmet—I’ll
shovel the sidewalk soon, I promise).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">8. I haven't overstepped the data limit on my cell
phone plan this month.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">9. Hot damn! Did I mention the awesome boner
resurgence?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">10. There's a knee-high pile of junk mail (mostly
Comcast Triple Play deals) on the porch. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">11. The tail of a dead squirrel is sticking out of
my gutter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">12. Jesus, how long has the downstairs closet
smelled like a tire fire?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">13. Wait, what the hell are these Facebook posts
referring to?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">14. Why does everyone I respect intellectually look
so glum?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">15. I'm sorry, but did I overhear you correctly?
Please tell me I didn’t just hear that Trump’s fucking budget proposal
eliminates funding to…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt;">16. AAAHHH!!</span></div>
Matt Bowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03572590318890216614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4136553535908102741.post-56669864602928027152017-03-17T08:04:00.001-07:002017-03-17T14:16:11.669-07:00Winners and Losers of Trump's Budget ProposalWINNERS: <b>Him</b><br />
LOSERS: <b>You</b><br />
<br />
Now bugger off.Matt Bowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03572590318890216614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4136553535908102741.post-68938760106437428502017-03-05T14:58:00.001-08:002017-03-21T17:05:45.863-07:00The Old Stall Game<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><b>The crack of the bat, the smell of the grass…the
taste of pine tar.<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><b>Baseball is back.<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><b>For those who revel in the history, strategy, and
romance of America’s greatest game, springtime reigns…as does all of summer,
and a hefty chunk of fall. Yes, one of baseball’s most beloved virtues is that
it serves as a soundtrack to, literally, more than half a calendar year. Simply
having play-by-play on the radio in the background—every single freaking night,
for 182 straight nights—is a pleasure.<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><b>What’s more, the games themselves are long. Too
long. Intercontinental wars have been declared and concluded before the first
pitch and the final out of a twilight double header. Ideas abound about ways to
shorten the length of a game, so fans can stay abreast of the unfolding
on-field spectacle without sacrificing a hearty slice of their waking hours.
(Ask the otherwise devoted father who lamented neglecting too much of his only
son’s preteen childhood to catch a meaningless late September Mariners-Twins
extra-innings affair.)<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><b>Recently, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced
that intentional walks will be granted without a pitcher tossing four wide
ones. Some old-schoolers have derided the decision as baseball treason.
Moreover, math suggests the average length of a game would thus be lessened by
a grand total of <i>13 blessed seconds</i>.
Surely, one might think, there must be better suggestions to truly abbreviate
nine (plus) innings in a way that would enliven the drama without sacrificing
baseball’s purportedly precious legacy.<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><b>There are! Behold.<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><b>-Limit batter walk-up music to the first three notes
of the player’s chosen song. As is, a batter’s stroll from the on-deck circle
to the batter’s box is akin to the spectacle of a WWE wrestler walking down the
ramp during Wrestlemania. Do fans really need to suffer the latest Drake or
Keith Urban chart topper, just because the seven-hole batter in a blowout game
needs to get pumped-up enough to flail at three consecutive breaking pitches?
If the batter doesn’t reach the batter’s box before the conclusion of the third
note of his walk-up song, the batter is out. Furthermore, the batter’s contract
is voided, and he will be deported to an undisclosed island where Godsmack’s
entire music catalog will be played loudly, on repeat, 24/7, forever and ever.<o:p></o:p></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><b>The only music that should be a part of the game is chin music. </b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><b>-Brave’s pitcher Bartolo Colon—46 years old/290
pounds—must use a bullpen cart in lieu of walking a single step farther in a
Major League baseball park. This includes all trips on and off the field, trips
from one base to another (i.e. station-to-station), trips to the clubhouse
urinal, etc. As a general rule, any major leaguer whose baseball card is both
too old and too heavy to put in the spokes of a bicycle, will only be allowed
mobility via bullpen cart.<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><b>-Mandatory amphetamines…for fans. Details to come.<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><b>-The pitching coach will “visit” the pitcher to
discuss strategy, not in person, but via Facetime. This will eliminate the need
for a pudgy, decrepit man in stirrups to shamelessly waddle from the dugout to
the hill as thousands, if not millions, die of boredom. Instead, said coach
will communicate with the pitcher via the most recent version of the iWatch
(National League) or iPhone (American League). Caveat: Although abolishing the
slow crawl of mound visits should reduce playing time by about, oh, an hour and
thirty seven minutes per game, admittedly half of that time will be added back
by the endless stream of plugs for <i>Apple:
official sponsor of the “Visit to the Mound.”
</i><o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><b>-Any foul ball that reaches the second deck is an
automatic out.<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><b>-Any regular season game involving the Chicago Cubs
will be forfeited to whichever club that is not the Chicago Cubs. Not only will
this altogether eliminate 162 games off the schedule and thwart a Cubs’
dynasty, baseball fans worldwide will be spared the vomit-inducing brutality of
weathering night-after-night-after-night of Joe “faux hipster glasses” Maddon’s
pretentious and insufferable postgame press conferences.<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><b>Fuck the Cubs and fuck Joe Maddon, too.<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><b>-A sharpshooter stationed in the cabin of the
overhead Met Life blimp will maim the right knee cap of any fielder who commits
an error. The omnipresent possibility of being forever rendered
wheelchair-bound via the dreaded “MLB sky sniper” after booting a routine
double play ball should limit inning-extending errors. Plus, consider the added
tension…“Routine fly to left. Holt barely has to move. Can of cor…uh-oh, the
balls clanks off his glove. There’s the little red light below the thigh. Holt
looks up in horror as Jackson rounds second. Jesus! Holt crumples to the ground
in unimaginable anguish as the Cardinals take a 3-2 lead in the fifth.”<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><b>-Clone the 2015 post All-Star break version of Jake
Arrieta so that<i> only</i> the 2015 post
All-Star break version of Jake Arrieta can pitch every inning of every game. At
the conclusion of each season, all MLB position players will undergo full
frontal lobotomies to avoid making future adjustments to the 2015 post All-Star
Break Jake Arrieta.</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-bNlIxBIe6m4/WNG8GrpIkUI/AAAAAAAABng/I2MkbTbK58QkRO1DWqkxe2kEgkIBX85xwCLcB/s1600/jackon.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-bNlIxBIe6m4/WNG8GrpIkUI/AAAAAAAABng/I2MkbTbK58QkRO1DWqkxe2kEgkIBX85xwCLcB/s320/jackon.JPG" width="289" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"><b>-All 25 players on each MLB roster must play the
field during the opposing teams’ at-bat. This will cut back on bloop hits and
seeing-eye singles, while increasing the chances of rollicking/embarrassing
Keystone Kops-type collisions among fielders.</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><b>-The typically longwinded National Anthem will
instead consist of the singer/singers simply walking up to the mic and shouting
“Make America Great Again,” punctuated by an enthusiastic fist pump. (The
accompanying fighter jet flyover will be executed by a squadron of
heavily-armed military aircraft en route to a classified bombing raid on a
foreign state.) Furthermore, the tedious singing of “Take Me Out To The Ball
Game” will be replaced with “something terrific.”<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">-</span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">A left-handed and a right-handed batter must bat
at the same time. This will allow two batters to strike out at once, and should
lead to less solid contact—or, in the event of a hit, suspenseful hesitation
among fielders trying to determine who hit it and where.</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><b>-Whenever a batter is hit by an errant pitch and
charges the mound to confront the pitcher, a steel dome will be lowered via
helicopter onto the combatants. Several weapons will be attached to the bars of
the dome: oversized iron mallets, rusty chainsaws, a Berretta DT-11 shotgun,
2×4’s with a nail sticking out, Bartolo Colon’s “lucky” unwashed undies, a
slingshot with a single rock blessed by God himself, a novelty boxing glove on
one of those accordion springy hickeys, and a Godsmack CD in a boom box—just
hit play. Ok, so, basically this is the Thunderdome. But to avoid copyright
litigation, the steel cage will be called the Murder Crate, and fans, in
unison, will chant “Two men enter. One man gets literally killed by the other
man, and the dead man’s team forfeits the game.”<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><b>-First team to show up at the ballpark wins. Live
coverage of teams roaring up to the clubhouse and charging in to register
arrival will thrill millions.<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
<b><br /></b>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><b>Now PLAY BALL, and hurry the fuck up.</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
Matt Bowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03572590318890216614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4136553535908102741.post-23559121195960870822017-02-21T15:09:00.000-08:002017-03-21T16:53:17.488-07:00Fiddle My Piddle Pump! That Cog Noggin Boy O’ Mine Left the Door Open Again, and a Steve Bannon Slipped In Like a Lubed Cheese Wheel On a Greased Dancefloor.<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">Over the past few years, first-person
accounts of the Great Horribleness have become a publishing staple,
particularly since the re-legalization of writing and the de-criminalization of
reading. But few texts can provide the visceral power, the historical authenticity,
and the linguistic richness of Fiddle My Piddle Pump: That Cog Noggin Boy O’
Mine Left the Door Open Again, and a Steve Bannon Slipped In Like a Lubed
Cheese Wheel On a Greased Dancefloor, by Luanne McDunkle, who writes and
shoplifts under the name “The Wisecrackin’ Widow of Klutterbuck County.” The
excerpt below provides a vivid example of the sensibility of the woman known to
many who don’t know her as “Patient Zero of the Great Bannon Pestilence of
2017-2021.” <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">Dear
Damn Diary:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I’m thinking on torching my homestead flat to the
dirt floor. This unnerved widow, her puny son, and a feral Steve Bannon are
trapped inside the house together like Tri-amese twins in a wrought iron waffle
puffer. Know what I mean?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I knew sure as a bejeweled Wookie’s midriff
something like this would happen eventually. “For the love of a stewed wombat,
Jeffrey, close the door <i>all the way</i>
when you come into the house after twilight weed teasin’.” I got tired of
hearing my own voice repeatin’ myself. Kid would just whoosh inside like he was
runnin’ from a Chattanooga pistol whip. Well, Jeffrey left the door ajar one
too many times. Guess what weaselin' twat sprocket snuck into the living room?
A Steve Bannon. I squealed like a hog-tied orphan! ‘Dem damn things are filthy
as a naughty clergyman’s spittoon, you know.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I should’ve pummeled that lil' gnard gardner with a
Deutschland donker barrage post haste. No, not Jeffery! He's only eight. I'm
talkin' 'bout the Steve Bannon! I’m not one to kill pests just because they’re
uninvited guests. I’ve trapped enough spiders to fill Bunyan’s trousers usin’
plastic cups and scooted ‘em to Mother Nature’s druthers, and wafted as many
moths out a window, too. But I’m kickin’ myself now. This pesky Steve Bannon
still scurryin’ about the place has me feelin' like I wanna’ boom-biff a Nazis
square in his dangle deuce.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">When a Steve Bannon first scampered inside, it
stopped in the mud room beside the galoshes heap. I’d once seen a picture of a
Steve Bannon in an alt-right field guide so I knew exactly what that danged
shit widget was. But the thing looked as scared as a runt puppy starin' down
the barrel of a well-oiled meat grinder. I think back and curse 'dem pitiful
eyes behind that soused 9 o' clock chin shrub. I kinda’ felt bad for the bugger
at first, but how was I supposed to know ‘dem things as wily as a friendly
necromaniac? I tried to shoo it back out
the door with the McDunkle family corn broom. Five minus six plus one dice.
Damn thing began inchin’ toward me. I always keep a spray bottle handy in case
I need to go fisticuffs with a stuttering gout farmer. So I sprayed the foul
lil’ scrotum pole but good. Barely even ruffled his teats. Then it really
started to move on me like a bitch, all the while snarlin’ like a virgin albino
after snortin’ a codpiece full of Baby Beluga's fever dream at an Appalachian
rave party. Got me? I began backpeddlin’ real slow. I felt helpless as a
ticklish amputee. The blasted Steven Bannon inched closer, and closer, and
closer. “This is it,” I thought, “it’s gonna’ gnaw my grizzle nob to the bone.”
But I thought quick and grabbed the <i>New
York Times</i> off the Poang. What? You don’t believe I read the <i>New York Times</i>, or shop at Ikea? Then I
rolled up the newspaper and boom-biffed that fudd-muckin’ Steve Bannon straight
upside his crimson pockmarked coconut. It yelped as if it’d been
unceremoniously introduced to the business end of Grammie Gertrude's happy
hammer. Then it went scamperin' into a load bearin’ hole in the wall.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I haven't actually seen the Steve Bannon since.
Doesn't mean I still ain't hot like a skinned mongoose lathered in ghost pepper
brine. I know it's still in the house…somewhere. I hear its filthy little claws
tappin' against the floorboards in the middle of the night. Can't sleep
sometimes. I hear him rummagin' up in the attic when I'm trying to
reverse-kerplunk my badoozled jigger nozzle. Hey! How else is a homemaker like
me supposed to earn a livin'? Sometimes, the Steve Bannon causes so much
hullabaloo behind a closet door, or at the end of a hallway, that it makes my
hounds, Sparkplug and Remus J. Smudlaugh VII (named 'em after my daddy and my
daddy's daddy), go batshit crazy. Hmm. Batshit crazy? Is that something folk
say or did I coin a new phrase? Sorry if I lost you. Anyway, I'm sure you know
what an upper-decker pecker-checker that can be when you don't have swamp fog
insurance!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Listen good as ya' should. I'm tired of cleanin' up
piles of Steve Bannon mud nuggets scattered about the place. I'm tired of
vacuumin' molted Steve Bannon fuzz clumps outta' the drapes. Although I can’t
pinpoint the rascal, this whole house fucking smells like Steve Bannon. Olly
olly oxen fee you little shit. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I gotta' get that hideous thing outta' here. It's
plottin' doom. I sense it. I don’t know how, but it’s plottin’ doom. I sense it
straight to the core of a chimneysweep's crotch.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt;">I'm a mother. I gotta' save my little boy Jeffrey,
and all his unborn grandchildren, from the ravages of an unchecked Steve Bannon
run amok. I don't care if I gotta' stack blast candles to Gulliver's taint and
'splode this place straight to Micky Dolenz's locker. That Steve Bannon gotta'
go.</span><br />
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Matt Bowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03572590318890216614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4136553535908102741.post-61774360500565477002017-02-07T09:29:00.000-08:002017-02-07T10:13:48.569-08:00Whelp, Satire Is Dead. Might As Well Take Up F*cking Noolding<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt;">I'm a clever guy. I am. But I literally cannot
invent </span><em style="font-family: "times new roman", serif; font-size: 14pt;">any </em><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt;">satirical headline, either on the spot or amid an orgy of creative epiphanies,
that I cannot imagine having absolutely zero chance of appearing in tomorrow’s
news headlines—or on my stupid goddamn Facebook feed—regardless of whether or
not the headline is true, or truthiness.</span><br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">The torrent of recent national headlines on news
sites—from <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">CNN</i> to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Breitbart</i> to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Hacksaw Biff’s Truth-Be-Told Corkboard</i>—all serve as a death knell
for satire. Satire writers, in particular, have become hamstrung by
contemporary reality. The introduction of "alternative facts" into
the modern lexicon not only puts the proverbial final nail in satire's
proverbial coffin, it also adds profuse gobs of Liquid Nails about the seams,
and a 2-ton ACME anvil on the lid. For good measure, a yuge glob of shit rests
on the anvil.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">If I were to be confronted with any of the following
headlines, I'd simply shrug my shoulders and be all like "Huh! Well, whad'ya'
know!": "Rodeo Clowns Converge On Washington To Protest Department Of
Novelty Suspenders Defunding", or "Trump Secretly Breeding
Chainsaw-Wielding Velociraptor Overseers To 'Carefully Yet Humanely' Monitor
Middle School Journalism Club", or "Study Shows Nation's Salt Trucks
Woefully Unprepared For Inevitable Nuclear Winter".<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Or "Steve Bannon Actually Smiles For Once In His Life".</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I'm a satire writer. Well, I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">was</i> a satire writer. I have come here to do two things: announce my
retirement from the craft, and present empirical evidence that contradicts the
edicts of the leaders of the free world …and I'm all out of empirical evidence.
</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">So, I quit.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">There's no longer any sense in staring like a dope
at the hundreds of thousands of tiny black specks in the drop ceiling above my
computer desk while contorting my brain to finally (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">finally!</i>) summon a seedling of a satirical premise, then to write
and rework and write and rework and write and rework, and maybe—if I think the
finished product is worth half-a-bag-of-moldy-turnips—submit the fruits of my labor to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><a href="https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/murder-beach-is-open-for-summer" target="_blank">McSweeney's</a></i>, or <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><a href="http://shermanoaksreview.com/essays/i-love-you-alice-k-47/" target="_blank">Sherman Oaks Review of Books</a></i>, or that bastion of shrewd literary farce <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Fox News</i>. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Now, though? What’s the
goddamn use? My life had purpose when I’d yank my mind’s ripcord and rev the
ol’ idea engine until the spewing fumes made me gradually so woozy from
creative output that I’d eventually become high as a gun junkie dry-humping a
never-fired Winchester 30-06 on Appalachian prom night. Good times. In today’s
political climate, I’d pass out indefinitely from lack of oxygen.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Rather than piss away my life doing what the elders
call <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">THINKING</i>, I figure I might as
well take up fucking noodling instead. Yeah, that's right…noodling: fishing for
catfish with bare fucking hands by sticking them in a fucking catfish hole. I
briefly considered such rousing hobbies as train surfing or handcuff
collecting, but I ultimately settled on noodling. Fucking noodling.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">You heard it here first, from me—I am officially no
longer a satirist. I'm a noodler. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Why bother employing the literary skills I paid
$50k+ to learn in a society-mandated post-high school education structure, and
then gradually develop said skills via the arduous slog of trial-and-error in
the 16 years since graduation when I can simply plunge my fucking arm under a
rock and wait for a 39 pound flathead catfish to begin to digest my fucking
forearm? Why use my natural and matured academic gift to glaze a shrewd warning
to mankind with a syrupy layer of wit that the lawmakers (read: white Christian
men) in the high castles aim to wring you out like a dirty rag and drink
whatever soiled profits drip when I can focus my efforts into bonding with a
dependable lifelong noodling partner who can spot the fuck outta’ me when I
attempt to surface from twenty foot depths with a fucking mammoth thrashing
catfish latched on to the very fucking hand I once used to type the
aforementioned syrupy layers of wit. Why mock with wry humor the authoritative
establishments which seek to mercilessly shred the fabric that binds all of
humanity when I can register for the fucking Annual Okie Noodling Tournament in
Pauls Valley, fucking Oklahoma, and test my chops against noodling luminaries in
an activity that is, essentially, slow-punching a fucking catfish in the
fucking mouth and then lugging it to an alien surface for a photo-op on a
stupid fucking dock. Imagine the huge dumbass smile on my fucking face. I'll be
so fucking ecstatic there’s a fucking catfish dangling from my wrist.
Fuck!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Okay. Okay. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Sorry. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Perhaps you too should reconsider your profession.
Are you a historian? Why waste your time scrutinizing eye witness accounts of
past scholars and contemplating echoing themes of civilization to identify
subtle pre-WWIII red flags when you can relive the exploits of the “face of
noodling” Jerry Rider on VH fucking S<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">—</span>especially such ground-breaking
network TV moments as when Rider fucking manhandled a whopping bullhead on Late
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Night with David fucking Letterman</i>,
circa 198 fucking 9. Are you a climate scientist? Why waste your time
meticulously reconstructing past climates by examining ice cores and tree rings
in hopes of rescuing the vast majority of the inhabitants of Earth from an
agonizing sixth extinction when you can fucking noodle the living shit out of
the very aquatic habitats you have dedicated your whole fucking live to saving
from the same stupid species who invented such a dumb fucking sport as <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">NOODLING</i>? Can you read? Why squander
your pathetic useless life reading books like a fucking idiot when you can
deep throat catfish up to your fucking elbow instead? </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Fuck words and fuck sentences and fuck story arcs about the
human condition that transcend culture and time. Fuck "Moby Dick"
(unless your knuckles are blowhole deep). You're living in a noodler’s world
now.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"></span><br />
<div class="x_MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">If you need me, don’t bother looking in my beloved writing den, where I once basked in inspiration opposite my Dell laptop and a half-empty Dogfish Head 90 Minute IPA nearby. Nope. You can find me on the muddy banks of the Muskingum River, wearin’ my newfangled cutoff jean shorts and sportin’ a tight bushy noodler ‘stache—not like ‘dem pansy hipster ‘staches all up in that new Crazy Mocha downtown. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">
</span>
<br />
<div class="x_MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">
</span>
<br />
<div class="x_MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">That’s right, I fucking noodle now. And I got four-to-eight years to perfect my craft.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">
</span>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">
</span>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><i>FUCK! </i></span></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-tvH43rmqKn8/WJOr8F6_0ZI/AAAAAAAABlI/UhZPT72WbiUmM6rziaQQiuqbV5c8kwRrACLcB/s1600/noodle.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-tvH43rmqKn8/WJOr8F6_0ZI/AAAAAAAABlI/UhZPT72WbiUmM6rziaQQiuqbV5c8kwRrACLcB/s320/noodle.jpg" width="209" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">
</span>Matt Bowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03572590318890216614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4136553535908102741.post-4099075319153034062016-11-14T14:02:00.000-08:002017-07-12T13:40:32.978-07:00Blue Lilly Pads On The Blood Pond<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt;">In four years America awakens, shivering cold, in a
bathtub. </span><i style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 14pt;">How the hell did I wind up in a
tub full of ice cubes?</i><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt;"> </span><i style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 14pt;">Gotta’ get up.
Gotta’ get outta’ here. </i><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt;">A
searing pain emanates from somewhere…from somewhere. <em>Oh Christ! What is going on? What the fuck happened? </em></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt;">Scoop up a handful of ice
cubes and toss them over the side of the tube. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. </span><i style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 14pt;">Wait. Oh, Jesus Christ! What is that? What
the fuck is that?</i><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt;"> The stitch job on the abdomen’s nearly black lump looks
like the work of a seamstress with twisted fingers. Blood seeps. A serrated
steak knife may be the culprit. Rusty too, perhaps. </span><i style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 14pt;">Who did this to me?</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">You did it to yourself, America. You did it. Now
your organ is up for bid on the dark web to the highest bidder: China, Putin,
or the four-hundred-pound couch potato and hacker. And who knows which organ
was reaped, anyway? Hard to tell. Doesn’t matter, really. Surely not a heart or
head. Those both atrophied long ago. America, you stuffed your face with the
Kardashians, tall tales of Mexican rapists clawing at the cellar door, and post
cards from a new Rome. (Psst! Nero has been fiddling the whole time.) The red
pills that were slipped under your tongue during the commercial break dissolved
quickly. You didn't even know you were saying aah, did you?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">The trip was good at first. You let loose pleasure
squeals after you dropped trou in anticipation of a hand job from Ronald
Reagan’s ghost. But then consciousness became gradually foggier until it
flatlined. This unleashed the suppressed indoctrinated butcher lying low in the
deepest reserves of the hindbrain since the 1950’s. You were alone, a
defenseless and witless victim of your own worst angels of your folly. Your
right hand sawed through healthy skin and muscle, despite the left hand vying
to wrest control of the blade handle. Now there’s just the Frankenstein wound,
and the life support of the ice cubes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">You did it to yourself, America. You did it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">***<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Hunter S. Thompson’s nemesis was Richard Nixon. He
wrote of Nixon in his crafty <i>He Was a
Crook</i> obituary, “Nixon was so crooked that he needed servants to help him
screw his pants on every morning.” For those of my generation, George W. Bush
and his administration was <i>our</i>
Richard Nixon and his gang of thugs; Bush’s mind was run by a solar panel on
the dark side of the moon, and Dick Chaney was Cthulhu in a latex body suit.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">In a 2004 pre-presidential election piece, Thompson
wrote “If (Nixon) were running for president this year against the evil
Bush-Cheney gang, I would happily vote for him.” Why? Because Bush was a
“treacherous little freak.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">With the election of Donald Trump as President of
the United States of American, I understand Thompson’s renewed sentiment,
squared.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">***<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Elementary school teachers might as well pull down
the United States 2016 post-election map over the chalk board and say, “Okay
kids, the metro areas are blue, everything else red.” Truly, the big cities are
lily pads in a blood pond. Zoom in on the 2016 election map of Allegheny
County, in western Pennsylvania. My hometown of Pittsburgh is navy blue and
(most of) the suburbs are various shades of red.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Why?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Sure, minorities and liberals are concentrated in
the cities—not to mention hubs of academia—but the contrast in political
preference is stark. The answer is surely so nuanced that a political
psychologist typing Facebook posts for an infinite amount of time will
eventually nail a thorough explanation of the dilemma.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Regardless of the urban-rural divide, which
fascinates me, I’m comfortable making a few non-geographical sweeping
generalizations: Too many voters dim their minds for convenience sake, and cast
ballots from the gut. What a fucking stupid thing to do! Considering the
recently concluded 2016 election, stupidity meant being as socially conscious as
rolling a powder keg into a cigar lounge, and as safety conscious as using it
as an ashtray. (Or vice versa, I suppose.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I believe that relatively few Trump voters are truly
racist/Islamophobic/misogynistic homophobic/etc. at their core. I believe that
relatively few Trump voters cheer as factories continue to spew carbon dioxide
in the atmosphere at the peril of their grandchildren, their children, and
themselves. I believe that almost zero
Trump voters want a human roulette wheel to possess the nuclear launch code.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">But guess what, Trump voter? It doesn’t matter if
you don’t consider yourself a bigot, or if you don’t consider yourself
environmentally unconscious, or if you don’t fancy applying for a city building
permit to construct a backyard fallout shelter. You voted for Jim Crow 2.0, the
gradual manslaughter of Earth, and the potential swift first degree murder of
Earth. You voted this way because you choose to be stupid when the stakes were
highest. You chose to be selfless and dangerous.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">***<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I hold that Donald Trump ran for president as a
vanity project. He viewed himself as the focal character of a real-time reality
show, not unlike <i>The Apprentice</i>. He relished the raucous crowds at the
rallies, and the omnipresent microphones and camera lens. He saw himself as
Billy Mays, but instead of OxyClean he pitched a brand of retro white utopia.
He was entertained by the day-to-day reaction of America, as much as America
was (regretfully) entertained by him. America itself was his real-time reality
show.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">On November the 8th, the reality got real. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">For all that makes Trump a maniacal scumbag of the
highest order, the Trump voter is riper for ridicule than the president-elect.
You handed the debauched king his scepter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Trump’s position on climate change assaults my
sensibility, and may provide the clearest example of the source of a
pragmatist’s rage. The overwhelming consensus of the scientific community is
that humans are chugging headlong toward the sixth extinction. Whatever! The
man chosen by the populace to be the <i>most
powerful human on Earth</i> actually said that he believes climate change is a
hoax perpetrated by the Chinese. As soon as Trump expressed his stance, the
American people should’ve dismissed him out-of-hand. Boom! Off the ticket and
out of mind you go. Instead, Trump's popularity skyrocketed. <i>He was fucking elected president! </i>As a
result, the extinction of the EPA will likely slightly predate the extinction
of the human race. Think about that for a second. The most perilous crisis the
Earth faces will be exacerbated by the person Earthlings blessed. Forget the
Mexican border wall. The landlocked states will need the bricks to keep out
refugees from the American coast.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Call me smug. Call me out of out-of-touch. Call out
my lack of perspective. But when the scientific community warns of a worldwide
catastrophe that will eventually render all politics moot, and you vote for a
leader who will clearly worsen the catastrophe…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I know. I know you want "change," whatever
the fuck that means. Name three things,
specifically, you want changed? How would you orchestrate these changes? Ok,
you're drooling now.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">*** <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I’m afraid I’m going to begin belaboring points
espoused by countless blogs and Facebook posts. Besides, I’m probably preaching
to readers who already see things my way. Readers who don’t will dismiss me as
whiny and go about grazing on Astro Turf. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt;">Also, my fingers do not possess the
endurance to type enough patently obvious reasons that Donald Trump should not
have been voted president. However, </span><a href="http://crookedlullabies.blogspot.com/2016/11/all-thanks-to-trump-16_10.html" style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 14pt;" target="_blank">I do see hope</a><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt;">. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">The bottom line for this patriot: I'm embarrassed to
be an American today. Those feeling the same have been overrun by <i>the other</i> who are either too lazy to
think, or too selfless to care, or too short-sighted to see more than 37 seconds
into the future.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">"Majority rules" sucks when the majority
sucks. (Ok, I know, the majority <i>did </i>vote
for Hillary Clinton, but it hardly seems worth another tirade). Democracy will doom us all.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">***<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I’ll sign off with this: Let’s say you sliced your
thigh and have begun to bleed. It’s not a dire emergency yet but you need to
drive to the hospital. En route, bovine are blocking the highway. You honk, but
they don’t move. You politely ask that a narrow lane be cleared so you may
drive through, but they don’t move. You impart the wisdom of moving to the
highway’s shoulder lest a semi-truck going 75 mph comes through, but they still
don’t fucking move. By now you’re getting woozy from blood loss and you absolutely
must get to the hospital. There’s no choice but to back up, slam down the gas
pedal, and become the semi-truck.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Inertia can be a beautiful tool when it means
self-preservation.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-rSbZQCE29CA/WCf1XMP3BBI/AAAAAAAABjY/x8xg33x29BgO54L5-UjZ79QeG9kNVZxsACLcB/s1600/FullSizeRender.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-rSbZQCE29CA/WCf1XMP3BBI/AAAAAAAABjY/x8xg33x29BgO54L5-UjZ79QeG9kNVZxsACLcB/s320/FullSizeRender.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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Matt Bowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03572590318890216614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4136553535908102741.post-71978341489860594022016-11-10T17:11:00.002-08:002016-11-11T18:45:18.450-08:00All Thanks To Trump '16<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Under the smoldering rubble of Election '16 stirs a
unique opportunity for liberals. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Bernie was a missed connection to be the torch
bearer of a groundbreaking liberal movement, the next logical step left of
Obama. He likely would've won the general election had he been the Democratic
nominee. He was partially, perhaps sinisterly, undercut by Clinton and the
establishment. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Clinton is part of the Democratic old guard. One
could argue she is guilty by association considering a few of hubby Bill's
undesirable policies of the 90's-repealing Glass-Steagall, for instance.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Unfortunately, we're stuck with the quasi-Republican
Bernie doppelgänger, Trump: the festering scrotum-pole who appears behind you
if you say "Bigly Mc'Pussgrabber" in the Washington Monument
reflecting pool three times. And he'll haunt the living for at least four years.
In the meantime, hide behind a stack of science books and don't breathe the
air.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">However, the forthcoming godforsaken four years will indeed be a disguised opportunity that may not have existed had Clinton won the presidency. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">It's time to re-evaluate the Democratic old guard.
Jettison the dead weight into the sea and allow the resulting water
displacement to lift the liberal frigate higher. Okay, now squint. See the
shores of mainland Democratic Socialism, and the Colossus of Sanders erected
near the dock. Huzzah!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Believe you me, from the aforementioned smoldering
rubble a new liberal movement will arise, and several little Bernies-men/women,
black/white/Hispanic, puffy tuft of white hair/no puffy white tuft of hair-will
lead the way. One will outpace the others to tangle with Trump, or whoever has
replaced him after the infamous Yuge Nuclear Oopsy of '19, at the next
presidential election. And the Electoral College AND popular vote will favor
the Democratic challenger. Liberals will dance to the death rattle of their
enemies. And with minorities and young educated folk an increasing
sector of society, this dance won't go out of style.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">All thanks to Trump '16.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-aLIcQy3gJzk/WCUaTrTmKII/AAAAAAAABjA/hCMLo_udpr4fIht4OeiFHCa_xcopjxuuwCEw/s1600/lib.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-aLIcQy3gJzk/WCUaTrTmKII/AAAAAAAABjA/hCMLo_udpr4fIht4OeiFHCa_xcopjxuuwCEw/s320/lib.jpg" width="233" /></a></div>
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Matt Bowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03572590318890216614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4136553535908102741.post-74477657825612305062016-10-27T13:58:00.001-07:002016-11-03T18:05:17.714-07:00Head Bash: Gnardbro's Bodacious Brain Trauma Game<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt;">Congratulations on your purchase of </span><i style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 14pt;">Head Bash</i><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt;">, the newest most exhilarating
board game on the pre-teen market.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Hey kids! Cut from your Pee-Wee football team? Not
able to slap on the shoulder pads and break though the paper banner with the
squad? Is your unemployed and divorced father fuming because he can't relive
his fifth-grade glory days through his one and only son? Good news. <i>Head Bash</i> is the board game for those
who aren't on the roster, but still want to experience all the brain trauma and
crippling head injuries only the finest prepubescent athlete endures. <i>Head Bash</i> is a full-on blitz amongst
players along a treacherous path through fading memories and double vision.
First one to Uncle Henry's Hospice wins! So grab your friends and plan a night
of <i>Head Bash</i>. We promise an unforgettable night
you'll never remember…because of real brain damage.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Ages: 6-12<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Number of Players: 2-6.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Objective: Be the first player to reach Uncle
Henry's Hospice.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Six Tokens: Crutches. Ice Pack. Bottle of Percocet.
Battered Wife. Body Bag. Junior Seau.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Misc: One oak wood 2x4. One pad of Release Of
Liability forms.* One drool cup. One drop seizure helmet.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">How <i>Head Bash</i>
Is Played: Each player selects one token and places it on the "Start"
square—the picture of the happy-go-lucky grade-schooler below the quote "I
got my whole life ahead of me,"—located in the bottom left corner of the
game board. Players take turns rolling the dice (on their futures) and lumber
step-by-excruciating-step along the winding path of NFL logos. But there's a
twist! Player movement is determined by the number <i>on the bottom</i> (because that's where life is headed) of the dice.
First player to Uncle Henry's Hospice wins. It's that simple! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">But beware the
Weeping Widow spaces along the path. If a player lands on one of these spaces,
he/she draws a black card from atop the pile and follows instructions.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Cards:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Head
Bash</span></i><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">
(12 cards): The most numerous card, and the crux of <i>Head Bash</i>. If the drawn card has a <i>Head Bash</i> logo, every player takes turns bashing you on the
forehead as hard as humanly possible with the included solid-as-fuck 2x4.
(Note: If the included 2x4 becomes damaged by excessive gameplay, blunt
household items/tools, such as a ballpeen hammer or lawn jockey statue, may be
substituted.) You do not have to go back any spaces, but the resulting brain
trauma will certainly make it exponentially harder to persevere throughout the
game.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Ringing Bell (8 cards): Your bell has been rung. In
other words, it’s just a glancing blow—by a blitzing linebacker, a gone berserk
left tackle, a drunk father with a closed fist but bad aim, etc. Go back two
spaces.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Defenseless Receiver (6 cards): You've just caught a
tight spiral after cutting back toward the middle of the field for a
significant gain, but the closing cornerback has no regard for life or limb and
squarely lambastes you with a head-to-head rocket shot. But huzzah, you hung on
to the football! Go ahead five spaces, but lose a turn.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Dark Room (4 cards): Uh-oh! You have sustained an
in-game head hit and are led into the dark room via stretcher on a cart for a
concussion test. Will you return to the game? Roll a single die.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt;">Roll
a 6-immediate return.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt;">Roll
a 5-probable return (lose one turn).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt;">Roll
a 4-questionable return (lose two turns).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt;">Roll
a 3-improbable return (lose three turns).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt;">Roll
a 2-out for game (you lose).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Roll a 1-out forever (you shall never play <i>Head Bash,</i> or perform a typically simple
task, such as walking a mixed-breed terrier or operating a blender, again).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">"Rub A Little Dirt On It" (3 cards): Like
the <i>Head Bash</i> card, but you must hit
yourself in the head with the included 2x4 as hard as humanly possible. Then,
"rub a little dirt on it" and resume play the next turn.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">C.T.E. (2
cards): Oh great! You've sustained enough repeated head blows and now you have
the brain of a 127 year old. Take the number 127, minus your current age. The
resulting number is how many turns you lose. In the meantime, enjoy turkey
dinner through a straw while gently weeping over a scrapbook of good times long
gone, like when you could pass a sobriety test while sober.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Suicide Note (1 card): The dementia, depression, and
tireless longing for even the slightest iota of normalcy is simply too much to
bear and you've shot yourself in the chest so doctors can study your brain.
Pity! You lose, but your exit is dignified. Better luck next time. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Murder-Suicide (1 card): Holy fuck!!! You strangled
your wife and kids with your constantly trembling bare hands, and then jumped
off the nearest turnpike overpass. Like the Suicide Note card, you've reached
the bitter end of your rope. However, you've chosen a shameful route to end it
all. You lose. Hit the showers until next game, Buster.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">*Gnardbro sincerely hopes that <i>Head Bash</i> provides players lifelong fun. However, please be sure
that each player signs an included Release Of Liability form and mails it to
the address on the bottom of the form ASAP. This ensures that Gnardbro is not
responsible for any injuries, from minor to perpetually debilitating, sustained
during gameplay. The drool cup and drop seizure helmet are provided for your
convenience and well-being. Otherwise, you're on your own. Hope it was all
worth it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-nliYec67n9s/WBJqbIAATrI/AAAAAAAABio/KHTyRR4c0pwrIAiqqSqQ3J1OHhwXxzrPACLcB/s1600/bg.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-nliYec67n9s/WBJqbIAATrI/AAAAAAAABio/KHTyRR4c0pwrIAiqqSqQ3J1OHhwXxzrPACLcB/s1600/bg.jpg" /></a></div>
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Matt Bowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03572590318890216614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4136553535908102741.post-53990433067355730182016-10-12T09:23:00.000-07:002016-10-13T14:07:28.353-07:00Behold My Majestic Bejeweled Crotch<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Attention Hoboken Medical Supplies Inc. breakroom.
Turn to he who stands stoically like the Colossus of Rhodes beside the vending
machine. To he is who is mysteriously shrouded in a knee-length smock. I
implore you; brace the living fuck out of yourselves. Buckle your
about-to-be-utterly-gobsmacked asses to your folding chairs. I, Dale J.
Turneur…Dale the "droopy-eyed insomniac from accounts
receivable,"…Dale the "he's so damn boring he makes a conference call
seem like a keg party,"…Dale the "seriously, don't you think it's at
least a little odd that he keeps five Polaroids of his pet wallaby tacked to
his corkboard?"…is about to offer you ultimate transcendence. Feast your
weary eyes on he who now tosses the smock and unveils the everlasting divine
glory of his midsection.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Behold my majestic bejeweled crotch.
BOOM-SHAKKA-LAKA!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_KKkO0G_fpg/V_5jDSnpZyI/AAAAAAAABiM/5OIVfdrnzXctWvILsVTTiaoFtCUOCPhYgCLcB/s1600/crotch.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_KKkO0G_fpg/V_5jDSnpZyI/AAAAAAAABiM/5OIVfdrnzXctWvILsVTTiaoFtCUOCPhYgCLcB/s320/crotch.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">That's right. I see the shock on your stupefied
faces and sense it ricocheting throughout the very cockles of your souls. These
brown dress slacks should look vaguely familiar. Yes, these are the same 'ol
slacks ho-hum Dale has worn every Monday and Thursday, and some Wednesdays, for
the last six plus years. But no longer are they slacks by which one can set
one's watch. Be aghast by how festive thy crotch has become. How glistening are
thine loins?! How OG is thine crotch bling?! Dale has brought serious pizazz to
casual Friday. "Casual" has never been so fucking awesomely
bedazzled.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">That’s right. Dale’s rockin’ with his cock in!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Behold, Janet. How does the meek psyche of a
part-time reception endure the rarified grandeur of Dale's majestic bejeweled
crotch? Recall thusly, Janet. Recall how casually you rejected my
nonthreatening advances. Quivering and scared witless I suggest a noncommittal
lunch at Quaker State & Lube. "Sorry," you say. "I'm
behind in processing work orders," you say. Balderdash! You spent your
lunch break munching on Hot Pockets and reading Mademoiselle. You squashed my
poor heart nearly all the way down to my now brilliantly adorned crotch-eus
maximus. But you know what they say about what doesn't kill you…it makes your
crotch majestic and bejeweled? Well, how the fuck you like me now, Toots?!
That's right! Bathe in the splendor of your rejected lover's majestic bejeweled
crotch. HIYO!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Behold, Chad…Mr. Salesman of the Month, three months
running. How your incessant petty hijinks have gradually led to mine awe-inspiring
crotch transformation. I take a two-day emergency vacation and come back to the
clichéd cat litter in the desk. But tell me, Chad. Tell me what is clichéd
about the Mardi Gras surrounding my junk? By the way, that so-called
"vacation" was to attend the funeral of my sweet grandmother. Oh how
she must be smiling down on me right now, and how my majestic bejeweled crotch
now gyrates like a child's party favor in your mystified face. Salesman of the
month? I got something to sell YOU, my friend. A fuckin' crotch! HUZZAH! And
keep the commission. Oh hey, by the way, thanks so much for super gluing my
stapler to my desk. And putting my keyboard in the freezer. And making me do
the Ice Bucket Challenge before it was a thing. I got a challenge for you, Chad.
Good luck ignoring…THIS SWEET-ASS CROTCH! SKA-DOOSH!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Behold, Mr. Ludwig. Ye of middle-management. Let me
ask, sir, how tired are you of being castrated by the brutes at the top of the
corporate food chain, you pathetic bald nitwit? That's right, Dale J. Turneur,
from accounts goddamn receivable, just called YOU a pathetic bald nitwit. Hey!
I'm talking to you, boss-man. Quit staring at your Payless loafers. Look up.
Look up, I say. Higher…a little higher…a little hiiigher. Too high! There. Now
stop! Tell me what you see. Tell me. What's that? Huh? I can't hear you. Say it
louder. LOUDER, so everyone in the breakroom can hear you. THAT'S RIGHT! A
MAJECTIC BEJEWELED CROTCH, DIPSHIT! Now just stare at it. Let it sink in.
Subject your feeble humanity to the crotch whose essence confines you. Hah! I
crawl into your dumb little corner office and practically beg for a paltry 75
cent an hour raise? I just wanted to afford rent. Rent, Mr. Ludwig. You tell
me, “Your production is stagnant.” Maybe, just maybe, that’s because I’m
perpetually at the very fuckin' top of my game. Anyway, I was evicted last
week. “Stagnant?” I scoff. Hey, you know what ain’t stagnant? My fucking
crotch, that's what. As I swivel my hips before you, I see in your trembling
pupils the reflection of the shimmering plastic gemstones pasted about my
thighs. It's like the way the wondrous starry heavens reflect in a cesspool.
Understand this, the "heavens" is "my crotch" and the
"cesspool" is…guess whooo?...YOU. Anyway…BOOYAKA. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Bejeweled crotch commin' at 'cha, Mr. Ludwig! CAN'T
FAKE THE FUNK ON THIS NASTY DUNK.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Behold Hoboken Medical Supplies Inc. breakroom. The
Dale you once knew is dead. As Lennon sang in Come Together “One and one and
one is three…No one rocks a mother fucking crotch like ME…Dale J. Turneur.” So next
time you use the Xerox machine it won't be so easy to ignore everyone's
favorite "walking snoozefest" cursed with sitting RIGHT. FUCKING. NEXT.
to that noisy-ass shitty thing. Believe you me, from now on whenever you make
copies of inventory reports or fax order forms it'll be nearly impossible to
ignore the gleaming utopia merely inches from the farther reaches of your
precious personal space.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Now, it's high time you settle your own pedestrian
humdrum crotches back in your cruddy work chairs. But before you do, I reckon
you take one final moment to allow every single morsel of your consciousness to
be totally submerged in the breathtaking opulence of my
majestic…bejeweled…crotch.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Hand me back my smock, Janet. Break time is fucking
over.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Matt Bowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03572590318890216614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4136553535908102741.post-70659758988658395582016-09-28T19:43:00.002-07:002016-10-29T19:15:16.133-07:00DemoCRAZY: A Bullhorn For The Witless<br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><i>“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.” -George Carlin</i></span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Democracy gives everyone a voice. EVERYONE! That's
the problem, folks. </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">How did Donald Trump escalate to Republican nominee
for President of the United States? He didn't flip a coin into a wishing well,
close his eyes and wish really, really hard. No, a too large segment of
"everyone" escalated him to Republican nominee for President of the
United States. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I don't harbor unique dis<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">d</span>ain for Donald Trump. I
don't. He's a misguided shithead, sure, but so are countless others. He's just the
most well-known misguided shithead. In fact, I think he's somewhat endearing: a
caricature of a parody of a ham-fisted blowhard. He's akin to a classic
Saturday morning cartoon villain, like Snidely Whiplash or Boris Badenov. For
me, it's hard to rage against him because he seems silly and fake. I don't rage
against Skelator. But in a way, Trump <i>is</i> fake. He's merely a physical
manifestation of the most disgusting qualities of the hillbilly Sherpas who've <span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">lugged</span> him to the peak of Mount Politico. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Remember the pink slime from Ghostbusters 2? (First,
remember that <i>there is</i> a Ghostbusters 2?) The river of slime flowing among
the abandoned underground subway system was a tangible symptom of the
collective rage of New Yorkers. The slime grew in lockstep with every
"Hey, I'm walkin' here," or "Get the fuck outta' my way, ass
fucker". Donald Trump is the slime in Ghostbusters 2, birthed by of the
collective rage of the "basket of deplorables" from sea to bigoted
sea. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">As long as the slime remains in the subway, it's
harmless. Unfortunately, we're potentially months away from being swallowed.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Why? Because everyone has a voice, that's why. Every soccer mom
who is afraid of being t-boned by an unlicensed Mexican driver, every
unemployed Appalachian coal miner who refuses to accept that his old job is
obsolete and it's time to plant a windmill, every white Kid Rock fan who sneers
at the #blacklivesmatter hashtag…all those and their ilk have a goddamned voice. And
they're speaking together. On November 8<sup>th</sup> witness a conga line of
the witless--armed from brim to ball sac with concealed Glocks, Dixie flag Underoos, and IQs
befitting a concussed wombat--strut into the neighborhood Catholic elementary school
or Polish Hall and cast a vote to Make America Fucking Great Again. </span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">These loudmouths
are the ones to choke. They suffocate, and so does Dr. Claw.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Choke may be too brutal a tactic, but ridicule is
not. Trump supporters deserve ridicule of the harshest variety. If you care the
slightest about the future, you shouldn't have to ask why Trump supporters should
face the most vivid distinctions in the Urban Dictionary. For instance, Trump
doesn't even <i>acknowledge</i> the bleak science driving climate change, let alone
plan to act. Whoever supports a candidate for President of the United States
who proclaims climate change a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese is worthy of a barrage
of derogatory kill shots. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I'm no tree-hugging peacenik, but I want my <span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">grandchildren</span> to not
worry about the riptide when <span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">they</span> play in their backyard in Western PA. Shit, it's
my duty as a <span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">parent</span> to do what it takes, short of felony charges, to press the
mute button on democracy. At least until Simon Bar Sinister perishes in a lab
explosion. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-MrtcVNFW2Qo/V-x_0j7kiOI/AAAAAAAABh0/NNhbMIj8W2sckyo_EWrlskWGliq631BxACLcB/s1600/SW.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-MrtcVNFW2Qo/V-x_0j7kiOI/AAAAAAAABh0/NNhbMIj8W2sckyo_EWrlskWGliq631BxACLcB/s1600/SW.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />Matt Bowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03572590318890216614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4136553535908102741.post-25432931077833010242016-09-15T13:30:00.001-07:002016-09-16T05:35:14.477-07:00 New Ryde Self-Driving Cars Tell Drivers to Go F*ck Their Own F*ck Holes<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">(AP) Bentleyville, Pa.- Pull over Uber. New Ryde
self-driving cars are here, and you won't want to cut off these mean machines.
That is, of course, unless you want to know exactly where to stick it. Spoiler
Alert: according to Ryde's automated Pyst Off Driver Insult System (PODIS), the
answer is "directly up your lily-white stank ass."</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span><br />
</span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Beginning Monday morning, Bentleyville commuters can
opt to be picked up by one of a fleet of Ryde's brand new self-driving cars.
What's more, once aboard a Ryde car, passengers can be driven to work with the
peace of mind that goes with knowing that the car itself will automatically and reactively
tear into the fragile psyche of other overly aggressive dick sucking
piece-of-shit drivers. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span><br />
</span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Ryde commuter sedans are equipped with all the
features of modern manually-operated and self-driving sedans alike, and with
many luxury features too: heated seats, Sirius Radio, and rooftop cup holders
to name a few. But what sets Ryde cars apart from Uber, for instance, is cutting-edge Pyst Off technology. Pyst Off operates in the same manner
as...well...a pissed off manual operater. If the Ryde car is cut off in
traffic, or has its fender bumped, or worse, the Pyst Off system automatically
detects the infraction and engages with extreme prejudice. First, a two-foot
metal telescoping pole projects from a slot near the driver's side window. Then
a creepily life-like rubber human hand--attached to the business-end of the
pole--extends a hearty middle finger skyward. The finger proceeds to violently
thrust in the air three times. But that's not all. A pre-recorded demeaning
insult--voiced by a celebrity of the customer's choice--is hurled at the
offending motorist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Such insults
include, but are not limited to: "Fuck you, buddy," or "Eat my
fucking shit you shitty fucking moron," or "I had your bitch-ass
mother last night, dick fucker," or even "suck my fucking ass you
fucking shit-eating fuck-bag. "<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>These demeaning insults are voiced by, but not limited to: Morgan
Freeman (duh), 15th President James Buchannan, John Wayne, John Wayne Gacy,
MLB Hall-of-Famer Andre Dawson, Howard Cosell, Maya Angelo,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bono, the <i>real</i> Elephant Man John Merrick, Ghandi, etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The thinking goes, once
a speeding cock-smoking motorist hears famed children's musician Raffi call
them a "retarded ass-munching pud-fucker," they'll think twice about
going 45 in a 25 zone. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span><br />
</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Ryde is considering adding a new feature that allows
the customer to log their own voiced insults in a recording device upon
pick-up, to be played back if necessary. Ever want to call a tailgating
fuck-faced cock-mobster a "snaggle-toothed cross-eyed fuck" but were too lazy? Just press the button beneath the window-winder and let 'er rip while
you read your Facebook feed and sip on decaf Starbucks. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span><br />
</span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Test audiences have reveled in Ryde's new feature.
Local textile worker and reputed family man Biff Webster says he loves the
future of commuting. "To hear Margaret Thatcher tell the knock-kneed fuck-renegade who just pulled out in front of me to diddle his fucking tiny snatch
whacker...shit, what a fun and relaxing way to get to the plant."</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1NsbfxA48sg/V9sE0xq6v-I/AAAAAAAABhY/AiTtsqXvUmcfIqhnvJpVaRBNatscgbTAgCLcB/s1600/car.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1NsbfxA48sg/V9sE0xq6v-I/AAAAAAAABhY/AiTtsqXvUmcfIqhnvJpVaRBNatscgbTAgCLcB/s1600/car.jpg" /></a></span></div>
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Matt Bowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03572590318890216614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4136553535908102741.post-65573135827892534902016-09-13T10:19:00.000-07:002016-09-19T06:34:28.018-07:0017 Easy To Recognize Signs That a Situation Has Officially Devolved
Into a Fiasco<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">-The couch is soaked in cucumber brine.</span></span><br>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span><br>
</span><div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">-Chunks of the front lawn are in the neighbor's
swimming pool.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">-Said situation has caused every dog within
three blocks to "go off".</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">-The roof is now over there.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">-The nextdoor neighbors have "seen some shit go on at that place over the years, but nothing quite like this utter debacle."</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">-You come to after a blackout and suddenly find yourself face-to-face with what can only be described as "definitely not the pizza delivery guy."</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">-The FBI negotiator is present, but he has nothing left to offer.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">-"Goddammit, the emergency jackhammer was RIGHT
FRIGGIN' HERE last time I checked!"</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">-An ankle is sticking out of the garbage disposal. </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">-It looks like it's snowing outside, but something
tells you that ain't snow. </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">-"Yeah, your air guitar slayed alright but how
are you going to explain that giant fucking hole in the wall to your
father?"</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">-Marsellus Wallace has sent Winston "The Wolf" Wolf to clean up.
</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">-What was a board game closet a minute ago is now what appears to be a swirling inter-dimensional vortex. </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">-Something happens that elicits a whispered
"There is no god." </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">-You're STILL waist-deep in expired Crisco and those
scaly <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">things</i> with the googly eyes are
just 'round the corner.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">-It's beginning to look like <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Purge</i> up in here. </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">-A mushroom cloud has replaced said situation.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span></span><br></div>
Matt Bowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03572590318890216614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4136553535908102741.post-43746197669490300992016-09-06T07:14:00.001-07:002016-09-08T19:56:05.665-07:00Things More Worth Complaining About Than Colin Kaepernick Not Standing For The National Anthem<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">-Whoever finished off the coffee didn't clean out the pot...again.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"></span> <br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">-The weather guy said there's only a 20% change of rain but it's starting to look mighty dark out there and you didn't bring your umbrella.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"></span> <br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">-Your loafers are starting to become untied.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"></span> <br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">-Your new sweater vest is a bit frumpy in the midsection.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"></span> <br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">-That friggin' weed is growing back<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">, goddam<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">m</span>it</span>.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"></span> <br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">-You know you heard your cat throwing up but now you can't find the damned mess for the life of you.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"></span> <br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">-The power went out for a second and now you have to re-set all the clocks.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"></span> <br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">-You’re a 49ers fan and <span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">your </span>starting quarterback is Blaine friggin' Gab<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">bert.</span></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-78C5x-91WNU/V87PXqupGRI/AAAAAAAABg8/zTZKLkNRXeIJK-fYwNOMVjNPc2zn4_N2wCLcB/s1600/cp.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-78C5x-91WNU/V87PXqupGRI/AAAAAAAABg8/zTZKLkNRXeIJK-fYwNOMVjNPc2zn4_N2wCLcB/s1600/cp.jpg" /></a></div>
</div>
Matt Bowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03572590318890216614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4136553535908102741.post-67074407930544408862016-08-30T13:40:00.005-07:002016-09-14T20:07:18.089-07:00I love you, Alice K 47<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Dear Alice K 47,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I know this sounds crazy, but I think I'll in love. Yes, it was just one night, but I haven't been able to stop thinking about
you since the Union County Gun Show last Friday. Alice, baby, you are the most
gorgeous semi-automatic gas-operated 7.62x39mm assault rifle in the entire
world, let alone the wide world of fuckin' awesome firearms.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Sure, I was woozy after guzzling seventeen ice-cold
Schlitz at the Funky Bumpkin Saloon when I asked Dale the arms dealer to roll
out his wares. And suddenly there YOU were, resting between a Bushmaster
M4-type Carbine and a Remington Model 522 Viper…a totally fuckin' badass rose
between two totally fuckin' badass thorns. My heart stopped beating for a spilt
second. (Of course, that could just be my stupid overactive thyroid, but
anyway…) I knew the instant Dale placed you in my hands—after asking me if I was
drunk and had proper ID, to which I answered, respectively, "not very", and
"does the fishing license on my hat count?"—and I
cradled your cold steel butt and smooth, smooth bolt assist mechanism that I
wanted to blow the living shit out of something, anything, with you one warm
sunny day.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Rush Limbaugh in lederhosen! Just thinking about
that moment again causes my palms to sweat. (Of course, that could just be my
stupid hyperhidrosis, but anyway…)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I'm convinced it was pure Manifest Destiny that
intervened when Dale let me pawn my Make America Great Again camouflage fanny-pack-and-police-baton combo to whisk you away from the Bentleyville Fire Hall
for one glorious night. I'll never forget the libido that pulsed through my
patriotic loins as I hauled you like a cocked, locked and loaded newlywed back
to my doublewide for a Schlitz nightcap.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">What happened between us all alone, without the
Putin financed NSA peeking around the corner, was sheer 'Murican magic. The way
I slooowly removed your barrel jacket…How I geeently stroked your charging
handle…When I teeenderly fingered your ejection port. I leaned in to deep
throat your sight housing but nudged your trigger in the heat of passion and
shot half my goddamn ear to smithereens. Ronald Reagan in a rickshaw, our fore
fathers probably creamed in their graves! Who knew your safety was off.
Mmm…that's so fuckin' hot! As I scrambled to McGyver myself a makeshift
tourniquet to keep two galloons of blood from spraying out my earhole all I
could imagine was running off with you to a shotgun wedding. (Ha, Ha. See what
I did there, honey gunny.) But seriously, after the bleeding finally stopped
and you'd shot your precious load, I pushed aside the empty bags of Cheese
Curls and laid you on the futon beside my Glenn Beck Fathead wall decal,
wrapped you in the quilt personally knitted by Chuck Norris, and quietly
whispered the Second Amendment in your piping-hot greased barrel.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Two days later my mounting passion for you, like my
right to keep and bear, well...you, shall NOT be infringed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I've been sitting here, alone, in my 1994 Chevy S-10
pickup truck listening to Godsmack deep-cut ballads and <i>Clint Eastwood Reads
The Old Testament</i>, and thinking about you. All I got is my memories, and a
permanently disfigured earlobe. Like the gunshot residue, I can't get you out
of my head. I'm possessed by thoughts of our possible future. Imagine
Alice…long walks on a beautiful beach and mowing down a majestic flock of
seagulls<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">...</span><i>just because</i>. Sneaking you into Arby's on a 5-for-5 deal day in case
some shifty bugger tries a lil' funny business and we indiscriminately spray
several rounds of metal peacekeeping darts all up in his shit and save other
clientele from potential harm. Hiking through the park and stopping to instruct
the children on the merry-go-round how to properly defend themselves when the
government inevitably attempts to overtake the Upside Doodle Playground with
their Boeing AH-64 Apache attack choppers and laser-guided bombs. Can't take no
teeter-totters from us, Obama.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Shit, the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is
you and me, Sugar Nozzle.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I miss you. I need you. The last few days without
you have been torturous. I feel so vulnerable right now, like any ol'
Allah-lovin' rapist gardener can piss on my freedom without knowing I can pump
their shriveled nuts full of lead. Every single night that passes without you
resting in my warm alive hands will slowly kill me anyway. What good am I with
cold dead hands? Who will defend the G.I. Jesus statue or Sean Hannity nativity
scene on the county courthouse lawn from the atheist lib-turd dingle-fuckers?
Who, Alice? Not me. At least not without you.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I love you. Let me help you help me help myself by
helping you in turn helping me to help America by virtue of making myself great
again.</span></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Be great with me,
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ri815BfHmqg/V8XvNrV4JNI/AAAAAAAABgc/R92OomNNzgoFgdw4KzDoWenTn3qQrObgQCLcB/s1600/gun.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="301" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ri815BfHmqg/V8XvNrV4JNI/AAAAAAAABgc/R92OomNNzgoFgdw4KzDoWenTn3qQrObgQCLcB/s320/gun.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"></span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">
</span>
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<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span></span><br />
<br />
<br />Matt Bowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03572590318890216614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4136553535908102741.post-44309284343263098812016-08-07T23:52:00.000-07:002016-11-17T20:53:21.533-08:00The Sculptor<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">She is young. She is an artist. She has boundless
dreams and steady hands.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The clay is fresh. The clay is moist. The clay is
shapeless.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">She places the clay on the wheel and presses the
pedal that makes it spin. The clay is squishy between her fingers. It kinda'
tickles. The clay slides across her palms. It feels good. She strokes the clay
deliberately. She smiles as the clump begins to take shape. She is her own
master. She will stop the wheel when the clay has become as defined as her
boundless dreams.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">As the wheel spins…maybe she stumbles upon a
nameless dude in a corduroy jacket amongst a million nameless dudes amid a late
night freshman troll on Match.com. Maybe he finds her affinity for
microwaveable teddy bears and the 1978 Dr. Strange TV pilot too irresistible so
he speechlessly carves his feelings into her stomach with his finger. Maybe she
drinks too much Southern Comfort and asks him "What do you think it would
be like to be engaged?" while Jethro Tull's Thick as a Brick plays on
vinyl pre-hangover. Maybe he buys a Whiffle ball and rubber bases and sends a
group email to friends instructing them to wear shorts and a tee shirt to the
reception, where Whiffle ball replaces a DJ. Maybe they exchange wedding vows
beside a band shell hosting a puppet show merely 30 yards away.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Though the wheel spins she loses some sight of the
clay. She caresses it with her fingers, but with less resolve. Small chunks
spit onto her plaid shirt.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Maybe she sees an expecting woman in the infant
section at Target and weeps with what she hopes will soon be empathy. Maybe he
hides the Parents magazines in the basement because she weeps in her
unexpectedly prolonged yearning to empathize. Maybe she weeps when the nurse
hands her Uriah because her empathy is fully realized. Maybe he finally weeps
too. Maybe they settle on outer space wall decals to decorate the baby's room
while they haphazardly redecorate the walls in the new uncharted room in their
lives. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The wheel is spinning…spinning…spinning. She
subconsciously weaves her fingers, purposelessly shifting the clay. She doesn't
heed the forming cracks.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Maybe she scours the CCAC nursing program website,
or nearly aces the PA Civil Service test, or peers over the bobbing head of a
still-awake toddler to notice the clock slip to 1:04 AM. She continually
strives to be a perfect mother. Maybe he "causes a scene" when Jordy
Mercer boots a surefire double-play ball, or orders "one cheese, three
craft beers, and an M&M cookie," twice a week, or walks his son
about Greenfield to allow Mama the occasional breath. He continually strives to be an adequate
father. Maybe she wakes up yet fifteen
minutes earlier to accommodate a chaotic-er morning because he punched a
refrigerator and can't lift more than twenty pounds. Maybe, just maybe, he
actually punched a fucking refrigerator and broke his hand like an idiot. Maybe
they…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">She lifts her foot from the pedal, and the spinning
wheel stops. The clay is dry like dirt and amorphous like mud. Her plaid shirt
is covered in crust.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">He joins her at the wheel. He lifts the clump and
holds it in his hands. He wants her to know he's seen nothing so unique--all
others are shooting stars, but in a meteor shower; nothing so beautiful--all
others are sunsets, but in a world that doesn't rotate; nothing so forever--all
others are diamonds, but better left in the ruff. Nothing so befitting an art
show all its own.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">He tosses a clump of clay--fresh, moist, and
shapeless--onto the wheel, and presses the pedal that makes it spin.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">...They are young. They are artists. They have
boundless dreams and steady hands.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">
</span></span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Woboec-cYLU/V6JXJtkMBAI/AAAAAAAABfc/qtEX-8jMDtUFmxaSe10W418h5rLqVR8UACLcB/s1600/kait.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Woboec-cYLU/V6JXJtkMBAI/AAAAAAAABfc/qtEX-8jMDtUFmxaSe10W418h5rLqVR8UACLcB/s320/kait.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
Matt Bowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03572590318890216614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4136553535908102741.post-18727550098585424582016-07-14T19:19:00.000-07:002016-07-14T19:26:55.775-07:00Where To Begin: A Note On Race Relations, and Neon Green Hats<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">America is at peak jitteriness. The sound of a
child's pop gun may ignite a carousel of panic and chaos that would make the
Revelation of Saint John seem like a Webelo campfire singalong of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">If I Had a Hammer</i>. Racial tensions are
steaming, and too damn near a boil. If the scalding water jumps over the pot lip fourth degree burns may result. </span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I—each of us—step into public eminently cognizant
that others are eminently cognizant of not only skin tones, but a history of
racial injustice grievous and blunt, subtle and nuanced—despite Facebook status
updates and Tweets that identify and define racism, or "reverse-racism," so crudely. Since 1619, the
deepest think tanks still fumble with the most intricate dissection of the
mechanisms of racism, and racial tension. Therefore, racism and
racial tension endures.</span></b></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-gvYl2NOXaOQ/V4bvPunNUSI/AAAAAAAABeQ/KoNjGsptmmEYhcqOWFNQm4jisHN77iVGACLcB/s1600/hat.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-gvYl2NOXaOQ/V4bvPunNUSI/AAAAAAAABeQ/KoNjGsptmmEYhcqOWFNQm4jisHN77iVGACLcB/s320/hat.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<![endif]--><b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">By no means do I, especially as a result of this naïve essay, attempt to cool the burner. (Can the burner
be cooled, anyway?) I lack the influence and scope, if not necessarily the
resolve. But I've been irritated by a sentiment repeated too often by white
folk either too shortsighted, or too pigheaded to spin the lazy susan of humanity
and fathom what's on the other side.</span></b><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Hey, men. What's it like to be pregnant? We men—I am,
after all, a dude—couldn't describe the physical and mental traits of
pregnancy, let alone the pain of childbirth. But I <span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">know</span> that pregnancy is both
joyous and arduous, at times. Women, my beautiful wife included, have said
so. I don't disbelieve women. I don’t disbelieve my beautiful wife. I know childbirth is
painful. I witnessed the strain on my wife's face as she delivered my son. I
don't think she was faking. <span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">I</span>f I asked her if childbirth was painful, she'd said "yes, dummy." I<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">magine <span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">if I called</span></span> her a liar<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">?!</span></span></b></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Yet, when black folk <span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">publi<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">cally<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">decry</span> </span>inherent
disadvantages in a predominantly white America, too many white folk almost
instinctually label them as delusional, or simply rabble-rousing for spectacle. (Author's note: I do not mean to insinuate that <i>every</i> black person recounts <i>the same</i> American experience.)
Accounts of the modern black American experience are too often, by too many, jettisoned like junk mail into a
star-spangled trash chute.</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">If I told my wife that the pain of childbirth was a
mirage, or worse, that she feigned the pain to get the epidural, I'd deserve a
hearty knee to the manhood. Any self-respecting man would leave me to writhe on
the tiles rather than help me up. <span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">W</span>hy do so many white folk so confidently disregard
black folk who assert a perpetual awareness of their race in daily life as a result
of suffered biases, or prejudiced experiences? Why do so many whites regard the
Black Lives Matter movement with suspicion? In short, why do so many white people
off-handedly dismiss black people whenever a black person declares that their black American experience is different—less advantageous? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b><br /></b>
<b><i>Hey! Wanna' cannonball into a veritable cesspool of racist sentiment? Read the comments section after nearly every Fox News article, especially if the headline contains the word "Obama". The racism is anywhere between the "magic eye" racism </i><i>(remember those "hidden" pictures that appeared when you stared long enough) </i><i>to blunt, cold-cock with a ball-peen hammer on the skull racism. Seriously, the Fox News comments section reads like dialogue cut from the film American History X for being too sensitive.</i></b></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Spoiler alert. I’m not black. In fact, I’m about as
white as can be—nearly pale. But if a black <span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">fellow</span></span> told me he believes his
experience is different—more taxing with fewer advantages—I’m going tak<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">ing him</span>
at his word. Why would I not? (Not to mention, facts and stats quantify this
position.) What kind of an asshole would I be to reactively <span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">assume he's</span> delusional, or a con artist?<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"> There's enough assholes in<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"> th<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">e wo<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">rld already, as they say.</span></span></span></span></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I can’t possibly relate to, or <span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">comprehend</span>, the
black American experience. If you are white, neither can you. Neither you nor I
can empathize. We can never. John Howard Griffin, the author of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Black Like Me</i>, darkened his skin with
sunlamp therapy, drugs, and creams to<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> try
</i>to appreciate the American black experience, albeit in the deep south in
1959. Read his accounts. They’re exactly as you’d imagine. </span></b></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">That a black lady or gentleman is quickly discounted
simply because of his or her assertion of bias underscores <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">that there</i> is a bias. (Go ahead, excuse the bias as subconscious. With
tweezers I’ve plucked this bias out of its spider hole in the brain. You’re
aware of this bias now.) You might as well be wearing a neon green mesh trucker
that says Racist Prick if your knee-jerk sentiment is somewhere in the vicinity of “<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">Shut up</span>. You’re wrong even though I can’t possibly have any notion of the black experience
in 21<sup>st</sup> century America,” or sitting somewhere down the pew from “<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">Shut up</span>.
You’re lying to stoke racial tension and advance a black agenda.”</span></b></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">t might not be my place to say it but<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">: T</span></span>o those in the neon green hats…<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">Shut up. Shut the fuck up</span>.</span></b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b><br /></b>
<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">To initiate any meaningful dialogue meant to temper
and improve race relations starts with the simple acceptance of the viewpoint
of the other. Anything less locks the starting gate before the starting gun.
Not only is the dialogue stalled, it can not start without a fundamental change
in mindset. (Never underestimate the stubbornness of the neon green hat crowd
to reconsider anything on the most fundamental level, let alone reconsider
removing the peeling Rush Limbaugh Fathead wall decal from their man cave.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></b>
<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">Childbirth is painful , and the average black American endures systematic struggles<span style="font-family: "calibri" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%;">—</span>either "magic eye" or ball-peen hammer<span style="font-family: "calibri" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%;">—</span>that the average white American does not. I believe you. <span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">The</span> burner needs cooled before the boil. Now, let's talk.</span></span></b><br />
<b><br /></b></div>
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<![endif]--><br />Matt Bowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03572590318890216614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4136553535908102741.post-28789911510425940562016-07-07T13:55:00.003-07:002016-07-07T19:17:21.542-07:00YOUR MEME SUCKS<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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I wish to thank the conservative-minded FB users who post memes, share
articles published on right-wing blogs, and display tweets.<br />
<br />
I admit, Kermit the Frog sippin' on iced tea and sassin' Obama's clandestine
Muslim agenda really ripped off my blinders. That sentiment from Crushin Libs,
the transcendent site which boasts itself as "a stomping ground for
putting liberal simpletons in their place" is a renowned bastion of
critical thinking. And that scathing yet sobering quote from luminary Phil
Robertson...<br />
<br />
Ok. Enough.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-iGGxv6pXknE/V38MoHl4YUI/AAAAAAAABdI/iOwjdOCnGvoP86GyCUPdnLg-oMjr3cl2wCLcB/s1600/kermit1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="179" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-iGGxv6pXknE/V38MoHl4YUI/AAAAAAAABdI/iOwjdOCnGvoP86GyCUPdnLg-oMjr3cl2wCLcB/s320/kermit1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
Have a friggin' opinion of your own for once. Could you? If you're so
angered by the state of affairs perhaps you should take residence behind a
keyboard and attempt to formulate a reasoned argument to justify your position,
however senseless. Rather, you gleefully duck behind your faux witticisms,
which are merely billboards that pronounce your inanity. Re-posting recycled
dimwitted memes and illogical conspiracy theories of like-minded nincompoops
merely underscores the notion that a feckless and intellectually impotent mind
is feverishly pushing buttons and yanking levers behind the curtain,
haphazardly directing the grating social saber-rattling on stage.<br />
Anyway, your rabble-rousing Kermit begs for a reaction. This
"rable" is roused. <br />
<br />
You want a fight. So do I. But you may lament those gun rights you hold so
dear. I possess all the goddamn ammo.<br />
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<![endif]-->Matt Bowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03572590318890216614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4136553535908102741.post-16637858444418726312016-07-05T13:47:00.000-07:002016-07-05T14:47:39.388-07:00Trump/Hitler's Skull Fragment 2016<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Here come the "Trump/Hitler's Skull Fragment
2016" bumper stickers.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The wait is over. Finally, the American people know
who will lead the country in the fortunate event that Republican presidential
nominee Donald Trump—should he be elected by a quasi-retarded
electorate—becomes mercilessly pelted into nonexistance with a ball-peen
hammer. Today, amid a rally in the backwoods outpost of Schlongdoodle,
Tennessee, Trump announced the infamous skull fragment of Adolf Hitler as his
running mate. Although the announcement itself was merely the incoherent
rambling of a dayglow crud spelunker, media present pieced together segments of
Trump's stream-of-consciousness brain dysentery, "Proud to
announce…running alongside me...Hitler's skull fragment…fits nicely in my
breast pocket…calcium deposits…sideways pumpernickel miter saw…great deal
maker, despite being an inanimate scrap…it'll be great." The news was
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cockamamie dweeb-holes at the event.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Furthermore, if elected president, Trump vows to
nominate Pol Pot's scrotum, preserved in a Big Gulp of formaldehyde, for the
Supreme Court.</span></div>
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Matt Bowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03572590318890216614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4136553535908102741.post-53676700848413181812016-06-08T17:55:00.003-07:002016-06-08T17:55:59.504-07:00Random Transactions at the Ill-Fated Hammurabi’s Trading Post<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></div>
Matt Bowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03572590318890216614noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4136553535908102741.post-65858526124738081892016-06-01T18:59:00.000-07:002016-10-21T12:01:48.862-07:00The Eye Socket Of Death<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]--><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><i>“So many of these poor dead people spent their whole
lives placing their faith in God, thinking that there’ll be this bright shiny
light when they die. But after their last breath, the moment the shiny light is
supposed to be there, it isn’t. But they’re dead, and they don’t know that the
light isn’t there.”</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">-Marcy, from the novel<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> Save
Me, Rip Orion</i></span><br />
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<br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">M</span>y three-year-old son Uri <span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">is</span> playing
in the backyard. He <span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">is</span> scooping pebbles with a gardening shovel, dumping them
in his toddler-sized wheel barrel, pushing the wheel barrel across the yard,
and then dumping the pebbles into a heap. He d<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">oes</span> this again, and again, and
again. "Uri," I sa<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">y</span>,<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"> "</span>are you having fun?" He smile<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">s</span> and sa<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">ys</span>
yes. I underst<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">and</span> that had I been doing the same activity<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"> at this point in my life </span>I would not be having
fun. <span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">Shame</span>. I'd quickly get bored doing something so mindless, so trivial, and so
primitive. <span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">S</span>urely I <span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">enga<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">ged in </span>such <span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">childish</span></span> <span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">activities</span> as a three-year-old, and had a
helluva blast. I c<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">o</span>me
to a sudden depressing realization that I'll never again enjoy
scooping, transporting, and dumping pebbles. Those days are gone. A part
of me
died a long, long time ago and I never even knew i<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">t</span>.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"><<<>>></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Do you care what happens to your body when
you die? Yes, you get to chose what happens to your body. Weird, huh? You can't chose where you toil 40 hours a week or where your tax dollars go in life, but yes, you get to chose the fate of your corpse. Your eventual lifeless clump of
tissue in an immaculately hemmed suit could be buried with so many others on a hill,* or blasted into
the emptiness of space, or placed atop the Festivus pole on the front lawn of City Hall.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">So what?
You’ll be dead when any of it happens.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">That the living—some of them, anyway—actually
concern themselves at all with the fate of their corpses flummoxes me. You
can’t take it with you. (Spoiler alert: You ain’t going anywhere, anyway.) That
a lifelong patron of, say, G-Strings Gentleman’s Club would dictate in his will
that his cremains be scattered on the stage seems a little bit too forward
thinking. Guess what, Chuck, you’ll be too dead at the time to enjoy your <span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">f<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">inal</span></span>
pussy romp. Besides, don’t you think you’ve already spent too much of your life
splayed on that grimy stage? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Better yet, Chuck should request that a folded bill
be wedged <span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">between his buck teeth</span> during his open-casket viewing.** “Ol’ Uncle Chuck. He is
in death as he was in life…perverted.”</span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Zg6OVwl87lo/V1CZAvEIq6I/AAAAAAAABbI/wPhVeDBbRlYac6hNRzFbZoVtOvGHeGWrgCLcB/s1600/reaper.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Zg6OVwl87lo/V1CZAvEIq6I/AAAAAAAABbI/wPhVeDBbRlYac6hNRzFbZoVtOvGHeGWrgCLcB/s1600/reaper.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">My body? Once I die, I'm just a prop, like a toy
gun or a friggin' vase. I'm an oversized paperweight. That's life…a countdown
to becoming a paperweight. Perfect! Use my corpse to hold down reams of
insurance claims. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The humanity in me says I should chose to be
harvested for parts. Give my guts to the suffering. But the practicality in me
doesn't care. I won't be around to receive thanks from she who my
kidney saved, or to know the pleasure that accompanies prolonging a life. So
have some fun with my leftovers, I suppose. Put my body in a giant catapult at
the fountain at Point State Park, point me toward Oakland and then let 'er
rip. Take bets that I'll clear the skyline. Imagine the sheer wonder in <span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">the eyes of an</span> innocent child when my flaccid corpse bounces off the US Steel Building or lands <span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">atop</span> an
uptown fire hydrant. Shoot a hole in my forehand then toss me into the Ohio River so my waterlogged body washes ashore on the banks of some Appalachian burgh miles downstream. The locals will have something to ponder besides whether the meth fairy will leave a stash under the pillow, or maybe, just maybe, the coal miner's daughter is in the mood for a redneck gang bang. Or, I could be utilized as a hood ornament on the Just
Ducky Tours aquatic vehicle. "If you look to the left of the <span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">bloated</span>
carcass you'll see the historic Allegheny County Courthouse, completed in
1888." Hang me by my feet above the buggy tracks at Ghostwood Manor at
Kennywood. The stench of rapidly aging death will add to the authenticity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">As for my soul? That's mine forever to frolic in the
Enchanted Lollipop Kingdom with the souls of others who sincerely believe in the everlasting
Lord Tootsie. His name be praised, and His sweet, sweet torso be licked forever
and ever.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">*Seriously,
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better, and so do the Turnheirs. <span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">W</span>h<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">at an</span> arcane and barbaric <span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">concept</span></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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as a race and convert cemeteries into water parks<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">?</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></i><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">**Viewings! Ugh! What's worse than an assortment of
grim and solemn people waiting in line, like at the breakfast buffet at
Denny's, to blubber over (or gawk at, if you're under the age of 12) Aunt
Gertrude, who's caked in three (more) inches of makeup? The humanity!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></i></div>
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<<<>>><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I don't want to grow old with you. I'd rather us die
together in a hail of revelry before receiving a single spam email from AARP.
And when Death does disrupt a feral rumpus in the late August riverside
overgrowth, we'll accept what has come. We will. He'll move to tap us on the
shoulders—gently, like a loving mother with a terrible secret—but we will
laugh. We will. When he tilts his head—puzzled—we wallop him with beached
driftwood. He never sees it coming. His ribs pop like firecrackers under his
dark black robe. He drops his sickle among the briars and collapses, hard bones on
squishy moss. We laugh, louder still, and lord above the felled intruder. He
wheezes dust as we slide his hood backward. He feels it crawl, millimeter by
millimeter, atop his head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I squeeze your
hand. You squeeze back. Then I skull fuck the bugger. The
touch of death—we die—my dick in the eye socket of Death. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">We leave outta' here on our terms. That's<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"> right.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"><<<>>> </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"> am</span> alive. I<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"> am</span> alive<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">. </span>You are too.</span></div>
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<![endif]--><br />Matt Bowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03572590318890216614noreply@blogger.com0