To:
DAndrews@Microbursts.com
From:
bigmircoburstfan21@aol.com
Subject:
WTF???
Hey
there Danny. It's me Jeremy. I'm the sick kid you visited in the Bentleyville
Hospital last Thursday. Remember? Anyway, you promised me you'd hit me a home
run. Instead you bounced into a game-ending 6-4-3 double play. Don't you care
that I'm dying?
To:
bigmicroburstfan21@aol.com
From:
DAndrews@Microbursts.com
Subject:
re: WTF???
Jeremy,
I'm so sorry. I gave it my best shot. I really wanted to smack one over the
wall for you but the opposing pitcher had really good stuff. I will try again
every game for you, pal. Just remember that the entire Bentleyville Microbursts
team is rooting for you.
To:
DAndrews@Microbursts.com
From:
bigmircoburstfan21@aol.com
Subject:
re:re:WTF???
You'll
TRY every game? That wasn't a part of the original deal. You promised me a home
run. You didn't say you'd try and try until you finally hit one. I'm sorry, but
this is bullshit.
To:
bigmicroburstfan21@aol.com
From:
DAndrews@Microbursts.com
Subject:
re:re:re: WTF???
It's
not that I didn't give it my best shot to hit a homer, little dude. In fact, on
the last at-bat that ended the game I intentionally swung at what I knew was
ball-four just to have a shot at hitting you a game-winning home run. Some of
my teammates were even mad at me and accused me of blowing a shot at a late
inning rally because they knew I was trying to hit a home run for you, instead
of drawing a walk.
To:
DAndrews@Microbursts.com
From:
bigmircoburstfan21@aol.com
Subject:
re:re:re:re:WTF???
I
don't care. You shouldn't have promised a home run if you thought you might not
hit one. What if I promised you that I'd beat my brain cancer during your next
game? But I'm not stupid enough to make such a cockamamie promise. And I
certainly wouldn't turn around and say "Ooops, at least I tried."
Where does that leave me? Dead.
To:
bigmicroburstfan21@aol.com
From:
DAndrews@Microbursts.com
Subject:
re:re:re:re:re: WTF???
Don't
talk like that, buddy. Me and all the guys on the team have confidence that you
can stay strong and beat your illness. We're really pulling for you. In the
meantime, I promise you I will hit a home run before the season is over.
To:
DAndrews@Microbursts.com
From:
bigmicroburstfan21@aol.com
Subject:
re:re:re:re:re:re: WTF???
There
you go with that grossly misguided confidence again. You know my crummy chances
of survival. Oh I'm sorry! I didn't know the whole active Microburst roster was
suddenly bursting with magic oncologists. And as for your promise to hit
another home run, the season is only a quarter of the way done which tells me
you're just playing the odds. I specifically asked for a home run last night
against the Timmonsburg Lumberjacks. You promised and you failed. End of
story.
To:
bigmicroburstfan21@aol.com
From:
DAndrews@Microbursts.com
Subject:
re:re:re:re:re:re:re WTF???
Come
on. I went three for four, with two doubles and a triple. A triple is harder to
hit than a home run.
To:
DAndrews@Microbursts.com
From:
bigmircoburstfan21@aol.com
Subject:
re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re WTF???
But
I didn't ask for, and you didn't promise, two doubles and a triple. I don’t
care if you went 99-100 with 99 triples. Maybe if I asked for 99 triples…???
YOU PROMISED A HOME RUN!!! So it's too late now. I've already torn up all my
Danny Andrews baseball cards and posters. I even told the nurse to throw my
bobblehead down the garbage chute with the leftover gross pudding. I hope you
rip a friggin’ tendon during batting practice.
To:
bigmicroburstfan21@aol.com
From:
DAndrews@Microbursts.com
Subject:
re:re:re:re:re:re:re;re:re: WTF???
Hey,
I had that made specifically for you. That bobblehead was OF YOU wearing a
Jeremy Larson #21 Microbursts' jersey. You own the only one.
To:
DAndrews@Microbursts.com
From:
bigmircoburstfan21@aol.com
Subject:
re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re: WTF???
Not
anymore asshole.
To:
bigmicroburstfan21@aol.com
From:
DAndrews@Microbursts.com
Subject:
re:re:re:re:re:re:re;re:re:re:re: WTF???
Okay,
that's it. Now I'm intentionally going to strike out every at bat. When the
season goes down the tubes and they ask me why I suddenly got so awful I'm
going to tell them that little sick Jeremy asked me as a dying wish that I'd
walk up to the plate and strike out every single at-bat and I promised him I
would because I didn't want to disappoint a dying child. Then everyone will
blame you. They'll blame you.
To:
bigmicroburstfan21@aol.com
From:
DAndrews@Microbursts.com
Subject:
re:re:re:re:re:re:re;re:re:re:re:re: WTF???
Jeremy?
Did you get my last email? Why haven't you responded?
To:
bigmicroburstfan21@aol.com
From:
DAndrews@Microbursts.com
Subject:
re:re:re:re:re:re:re;re:re:re:re:re: WTF???
Jeremy?
You okay? I didn't mean to write something so mean. I'm so sorry.
To:
bigmicroburstfan21@aol.com
From:
DAndrews@Microbursts.com
Subject:
re:re:re:re:re:re:re;re:re:re:re:re:re: WTF???
Jeremy???
To:
DAndrews@Microbursts.com
From:
bigmircoburstfan21@aol.com
Subject:
re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re: WTF???
Yeah,
I'm still alive, dip shit. How does it feel to be left feeling so empty and
cheated? I hope you cried yourself to sleep the last few nights. By the way I
see the Microbursts are on a four game losing streak despite your late-inning
home run last night in mop-up time of another ugly blow-out. The doctors here
are giving you a zero percent chance to make the big leagues. As for me, I'm
feeling the best I have in days so EAT-IT, pal…buddy…little dude.
To:
bigmicroburstfan21@aol.com
From:
DAndrews@Microbursts.com
Subject:
re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re: WTF???
If
it makes you feel any better I sprained my ankle walking to my car in the
parking lot after the game. I'm out for 4-6 weeks.
To:
DAndrews@Microbursts.com
From:
bigmircoburstfan21@aol.com
Subject:
re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re: WTF???
Good.
Good. A sprained ankle is a pussy injury but I’m glad you’re in some amount of
pain. Not tumor in the brain pain, but anyway… Hey, wait a minute. You said
you’re out 4-6 weeks? You ever seen those commercials for Make A Dream Come
True.
To:
bigmicroburstfan21@aol.com
From:
DAndrews@Microbursts.com
Subject:
re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re WTF???
It’s
that campaign that helps drying children to fulfill their wish. And by the way,
my ankle sprain is no walk in the park.
To:
DAndrews@Microbursts.com
From:
bigmircoburstfan21@aol.com
Subject:
re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re WTF???
Shut
up about the pussy sprain. So it looks like I’m going to be sponsored by Make A
Dream Come True. You know what my dream is, asswipe? To bat cleanup for the
Microbursts.
To:
bigmicroburstfan21@aol.com
From:
DAndrews@Microbursts.com
Subject:
re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re WTF???
Oh
no!
To:
DAndrews@Microbursts.com
From:
bigmircoburstfan21@aol.com
Subject:
re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re WTF???
Oh
no is right, wanker face. I signed a one day contract with the team. And I’ll
be batting fourth. That’s right. I’ll be number 21, Danny “Piece of Shit Liar”
Andrews next Tuesday against the Paducah Perch. And I promise, PROMISE, I’ll
hit a home run for you, little buddy. You know they’re going to let me hit the
ball and fumble with it long enough for me to round the bases. And guess who
gets to push my wheelchair around the base? You. You and your stupid pussy sprained
ankle. I really had to turn on the water works after the Microbursts medical
staff said you shouldn’t exert yourself. They said you could re-injure
yourself. “It could jeopardize his long term future,” they said. What a joke!
We all know you have no long term future. Not in baseball, at least. And one
more thing, I’m going to put Superglue in my wheelchair’s wheels right before I
bat. That stuff dries quickly, Danny. It’ll
be hell pushing my skinny dying ass 360 feet across a dirt infield.
To:
bigmicroburstfan21@aol.com
From:
DAndrews@Microbursts.com
Subject:
re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re;re;re WTF???
Hello
there. Did you read the paper this morning, Jeremy? Your favorite player has
retired. That’s right. I’m hanging up my cleats. Why? Because you were right. I’m
not good enough for the majors. Therefore, it looks like ol’ Danny Andrews won’t
be pushing you around the bases either. But guess what? Now I have all the time
in the world to devote to my second passion: volunteer work at Bentleyville
Hospital. I’ll be there bright and early in the morning. The doctors say it
does the patients good to get to the courtyard for some fresh air. My ankle is
in a walking boot so it’s going to be a long bumpy stroll, little buddy. Looong
and Buuumpy. I have a dream too dream, pal. I may never become a major leaguer,
but tomorrow morning I’m going to make MY DREAM come true.
To:
DAndrews@Microbursts.com
From:
bigmircoburstfan21@aol.com
Subject:
re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re WTF???
Bring.
It. On.
