Weather Porn

I don’t consider a tropical storm a hurricane until Al Roker slips on his rain poncho and reports live from a breezy patio by the ocean. When Al begins to tilt in the gusts, I stock up on toilet papers and batteries. If he crumples to the ground and rolls like a tumbleweed with horsepower, I head to my apocalypse bunker. My question is, however: What in the world is Al Roker doing outside in an “extreme weather event” in the first place? If he simply tells me it’s windy and rainy outside, my imagination can handle the rest. And for those who have no concept of the effects of a hurricane-Google "hurricane".  

Honestly, what is American news outlets’ obsession with sacrificing a reporter to the hurricane for the sake of television?  First of all, the at-home audience rarely hears the reporter because of the wind, nor sees the guy through the downpour. I propose that viewers require an aspect of danger to keep a vested interest. I call this concept weather porn—legs spread, ass flapping, balls out weather porn. Al Roker reporting from a behind desk is boring. But if there is a chance that Al will get clocked in the back of the head by an out of control seagull or bowled over by a runaway deck chair…TURN THIS SHIT UP.

As an aside, I should mention that I have nothing against Al Roker. I don’t want to see the guy injured. In fact, I like Al. But if the Weather Channel absolutely must stick someone in the eye of the storm for an update, what’s wrong with Rush Limbaugh? In fact, I don’t even care if Rush mentions the drop in barometric pressure or the height of the waves. He can simply deliver one of his bombastic diatribes inside a nail gun factory, amid a category 5 wind.

Anyway, if news outlets require danger and spectacle during weather events to keep viewers meteorologically masturbating, here are a few ideas to lure viewers and attract advertisers:

Glen Beck reporting from inside the funnel cloud of an F5 tornado.

Verne Troyer (Mini-Me) reporting from a blizzard in which at least two feet of snow is expected.

Mr. T, in full-on Clubber Lane mode, reporting during a short period of light rain.

Richard Simmons reporting from the interior of an awakening volcano.

Gary Busey reporting from a surfboard riding a 12 foot tsunami wave.

Yao Ming reporting from the flatlands during an electrical storm.

I know my suggestions may seem excessive, but if weather reporting is trending toward hardcore, might as well show up-close insertion.