Gather ‘round. Gather ‘round…
“Nice To See You’re Still Alive, Losers.” Why are
you guys looking at me like I’m wearing a dead squid like a hat? That’s the
official Big Ol’ Fuck You Burger Dome customer greeting. That’s right, troops.
I got big news. You no longer work for Happy Humphrey’s Burger Palace. As you
know we’re under new management. That said…yes, the five-foot pockmarked
vomiting cartoon heart-monitor on the marquee is our new mascot, Barfy
McFlatline. A truckload of plush Barfy squeeze dolls for Fuck You Big Smile
Kiddy Meals are en route as I speak.
Now, everyone, can we practice the new Big Ol’ Fuck
You Burger Dome greeting? With gusto…3,2,1…hell yeah! That’s the spirit. Nice
to see most of you are aboard so quickly, and without pause or inquiry. What
the heck is wrong with a little less than half of you? You better pep up post
haste. You don’t want last Tuesday’s uneaten Fuck You Gone Repealin’ Fish
Sandwiches stuffed in your breakroom locker, do you? I’ll do it. I swear I’ll
do it.
Listen, when I unlock the entrance and the herd
rushes in for their Fuck You Bucket O’ Scrapple with side Turd Tots, smile like
you stumbled upon a duffle bag full of white privilege down by the trains
tracks, and say “Hey, Nice To See You’re Still Alive, Loser.” Everybody. Loud
and proud. Okay? It’s not a choice, people. In case you forget the motto, it’ll
be under your name on the shiny new Fuck You pins I’m handing out now. Take a
gander at mine: “Hi. My name is Shift Manager Paul. Fuck You.”
Okay, moving on. I need to inform you all of a few more
decisions from regional management that need implemented yesterday, no
exceptions. First and foremost, the 99 Cent Pocket Change menu has been
discontinued. Poof. If a customer can’t afford anything off the regular Fuck
You menu, said customer will just have to go hungry. It’s that simple.
Next, we are damn proud to announce that the prices
of all items on the Glowering Don Fuck You Combo Menu have decreased. However, the menu has been scaled back just a
wee tad. The advertised price of any of the selections off the Glowering Don
Fuck You Combo Menu now only cover a yet-to-be-determined portion of the meat
patty, your choice of the top or bottom half of the bun, 13 fries, 7.3 sesame
seeds, a “smidgeon” of lettuce, and the bubbly top part of the soda. Everything
else—onions, tomatoes, pickles, the other 9 fries or 27.7 sesame seeds,
etc.—are priced a la carte.
Furthermore, we won’t advertise the price of these
non-essential items. Customers will receive an invoice from Big Ol’ Fuck You
Burger Dome in 1-3 months. Cashiers, you will be required to casually leaf
through the written protocol detailing the new billing process. If a customer
says “huh?” or “wait, what–?” or issues similar expressions of confusion or
incomprehension, read the text to them. But fast, okay? We’re not feeding these
people for their health.
Oh, here’s an exciting new feature. Customers may
now choose to have one of those colored tooth picks stuck into their sandwich.
These adornments are offered at the small fee of full price, as they are for
cosmetic purposes only. Customers’ entry into the premises constitute their
binding acceptance of a waiver of our liability if they, or their minor child,
eats one. FYI.
We will also be following an age-based pricing
policy. For instance, take the Fuck You Wake ‘n Bacon Croissant. Let’s say
you’re 23 years-old and spry, and just stopping by for a quick bite. You’re
still young enough to decide not to be poor for the rest of your life. But the
older you get, the more of an investment breakfast becomes. For those older
folk who’ve made poor life choices, who depend on the Fuck You Wake ‘n Bacon
Croissant for survival morning-after-morning—perhaps because they’re too needy
to shop at Whole Foods, or too enfeebled to push a grocery cart, or hell, maybe
their nursing home trolley only stops here—there’s a soup kitchen up in Canada,
Grandpa. On the other hand, parents of all ages are still allowed to share
their leftovers with their children, provided said children are 26 years of age
or younger.
Listen up, this is an important one—customers
seeking the Great Again All-You-Can-Eat Salad Buffet will not be allowed to
partake in dining if they enter the premises with pre-existing hunger. A fellow
who skips breakfast then pays seven dollars for the buffet, but eats seven
dollars and thirty seven cents worth of iceberg lettuce and fixins’…well, you
don’t gotta’ be Copernicus to know that that equals an unsustainable lunch
model. Hunger must be acquired on Big Ol’ Fuck You Burger Dome property, formal
geographical co-ordinates of which are of course available at the Country
Registrar’s Office.
Finally, and we won’t advertise this for obvious
reasons, but one out of every 150 Fuck You Big Coup-huna Burgers may or may not
be saturated with potassium cyanide. Hey, such is the unavoidable collateral
cost of providing such hearty meals to a hungry populace at the cut-rate costs
available only from your local China. Besides, Big Ol’ Fuck You Burger Dome
mercifully gives customers the god-damn freedom to opt out of any participation
in dining. Which is to say, nobody here
is being strong-armed to pay a grossly unfair fee for possibly dying. It’s
called “freedom” for a reason. We all want freedom-from-death, and sometimes
you can actually have it.
I know what you guys are thinking. “Shift Manager
Ryan, as both an employee and a loyal customer of Big Ol’Fuck You Burger Dome,
will I also be eligible and/or forced to take advantage of all these awesome
changes?” The answers is no. All employees are exempt. Sorry.
Ok, so let’s all hustle our butts today, and be sure
to implement and enforce all policy changes as hurriedly as possible. Yes, some
customers may give you guff concerning the new and improved Fuck You policies.
Tell them to call their congressman. Oh, one last thing. Fuck You Super-Patriot
Freedom Fries are off the menu today. Bernie, the mouthy line cook, called in
sick.
Hey, who knew the deep fryer was so complicated.
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