Oh, it’s you again! I was just sitting here by the fireplace, lounging in this
silk bathroom and puffing on this gaudy pipe. Here are a few random
thoughts…
-Here is a fun trick for Pittsburghers to pull this
winter. Whenever it snows, and the neighbor across the street has shoveled out his parking spot and
put his plastic chair on the street, do the following. Move the
chair out of the way and park in the shoveled out spot. Then put the chair on top of
your car and walk away like it’s nobody’s business. Your neighbor
will be left to wonder how in the heck you parked UNDER their chair.
-I think television shows centered on food are
gross, if not morally corrupt on some level. Some people don’t have food; other
people watch 10 channels of food shows. I’m especially adverse to the
shows that are primarily about eating food. Some people
don’t have food; other people watch Man Versus Food. Think about that.
Little Tanzu wants a hamburger to stave of malnutrition. Chuck wants to defeat
one.
-Poor Thanksgiving. It gets lost in the glare of
Christmas and has become increasingly shortchanged by Black Friday as the
retail season expands. It’s a shame. Thanksgiving is Christmas without all the
extra crap.
-Speaking of Christmas, am I the only one who
misses blow molds? Your remember blow molds, right? They are cheap hollow hunks
of poorly painted plastic decorations lit by an incandescent bulb at the base.
They run in flocks; you normally see about 6-10 of them together, often on the
same porch or front lawn. Since consumers can purchase a life-sized Santa in a
life-sized sleigh with eight tiny life-sized reindeer, and all other kinds of
massive sparkling decorations, the blow mold has gone the way of the dodo and
the cigarette umbrella.
-Just like television shows about dudes in a fist
fight with an Angus steak are morally bankrupt, so are the gaudy decorations
mentioned above. In some countries, people can’t purchase clothes. In America,
you can purchase an eight foot inflatable outhouse with a swinging door that
reveals a surprised Santa squatting on the shitter. Not that I’m necessarily in
a crusade to conquer every inflatable pooping Santa, I’m just sayin’.
-Jim Quinn, from the conservative radio show Quinn
and Rose, is a numbskull. This morning he said something to this effect, “The
reason America can’t win wars is because we target smart bombs through the bad
guys’ bathroom windows. Another bad guy just shows up later. The way to win
wars is to target the civilian population until the people rise up against their
government.” Good lord! Think about what this buffoon is suggesting. By those
measures an army should not even bother wasting a single bullet on the opposing
army. The battle plan would be to strictly aim the semiautomatic rifles and
laser-guided bombs on civilians. And if the primary aim is to rile the public
into overthrowing their regime, a military strategist would aspire to spare the
strongest amongst the civilian population. If Jim Quinn were the commanding
officer in the impending Iranian invasion, his battle plan would be as such:
Start with barging into schools and daycare centers and let the bullets fly.
Bomb the little league fields, dance school and playgrounds. The parents of the
obliterated toddlers will be so pissed that they will march against the shrines
and stronghold of the Iranian leadership, and overpower the national army in
the process. Only then, will there be peace.
Jim Quinn is too powerful and
widely heard a voice to say such utterly dumb things.
-If you were born in America, you should not be
proud to be an American. You should consider yourself damn lucky to be born
here; you should be glad to be an American. Immigrants who take the test and
become civilians can be proud to be American. Illegal immigrants who risk life
and limb to push a lawn mower or scrub a sink basic to feed their family can be
proud. Soldiers who defend our country deserve be proud, and American. Me and you,
we’re just damn lucky.
-Want to see into the past? Open your eyes. When you look
into the heavens, you are seeing things as they were millions of light years
ago. Now look down at the house across the street. You are seeing the house as
it was a split second ago. However, you can cut a split second in half an
infinite amount of times.
Let’s say the present represents a time between X and Y.
Anything that happened before X is a memory. In fact, it may not have happened
at all. Anything that will happen after Y, well, it hasn’t happened yet and may
never happen. The present, the time between X and Y, an be cut in half an infinite amount of times.
I propose that you and I are perpetually living in an
infinitely small amount of time in which we perceive things that have happened
an infinitely long time ago.
