Non-Famous Joe Namath Guarantees Resulting In Him Running Away In Slow Motion While Wagging His Finger Skyward After Said Guarantee Had Come To Fruition

-“It will be at least, AT LEAST, twenty five minutes until the merge point.”

-“When your mother sees the mess you’ve made she’ll make you march straight up the stairs, mister.”

-“That stain WILL NOT come out, even with bleach.”

-“Daryl will shit his pants when I tell him I got the Steely Dan tickets”

-“Okay, but the wasps will just come back.”

-“The third drawer from the top…FROM THE TOP.”

-“I’m telling you, the guy who walks the big dog in the morning and the loud-mouth guy in the car commercials are. the. same. damn. guy.”

-“Your spaghetti will get cold.”

-“If we don’t bury the hamster TODAY, the whole upstairs will stink three Sundays into next month?”

-“Trust me, there'll come a day when you’d have wished you hired a plumber.”

-“Try to pet it on the stomach and you’ll end up with no less than five stitches.”

-"It ain't."