Wow! No other truck testicles can hang with Bumper Balls™ ”
-Burt Webster (Paducah, KY)
I’ve gotta’ tell everyone how great Bumper Balls™ are for truck owners. Over the years I’ve owed many brands of testicles that attach underneath the back bumper of your vehicle: Truck’s Nuts, TruckNutz, TruqueNutts, TrucNuttss, Gnuts of the Trukk (Icelandic), you name it. However, after only a few thousand miles of wear the rubber tread in all those old scrotums had worn down to the veins.
Shame on those other cheap truck testes! Whereas Bumper Balls™ —there’s no other way to say it—are the best truck testicles on the market.
Do what I do. Hang a pair of Bumper Balls™ on your truck, put 30,000 miles on that bad boy, and then look me in the eye and tell me those Bumper Balls™ don’t still look and feel as if they just descended yesterday. And if your driving’s like mine, a lot of those miles aren’t highway or “easy driving” citified blacktop miles neither.
I love to drive my truck off the beaten path—which means my Bumper Balls™ have probably smacked off of a thousand potholes and mud puddles. Once they even got snagged between two pointy rocks for 4 hours during a blizzard. After I got towed out…swear to God, there was not a single scratch or unsightly ding on these Bumper Balls™ . The next summer they even walloped a turtle that was crossing a rugged country road. The Bumper Balls™ remained unscathed while the turtle got fuuucked up. That’s toughness!
The mechanism used to detach and reattach Bumper Balls™ is easy to master. It’s just a sturdy pin protruding from the top of the sac that secures the whole unit to the rear bumper of the vehicle. You can put ‘em on and take ‘em off blindfolded—which I’ve done, many times, just for fun.
In fact, my sixteen-year-old son got his first car last week and he begged me to let him borrow my Bumper Balls™ for his first night of “hittin’ the town”. How could I say no? I simply removed the Bumper Balls™ from my truck and reattached them to his hatchback. It took all of five minutes; just one tool required. As one can imagine, the nuts hang a lot lower to the ground off a hatchback, but no problemo! Your Bumper Balls™ can withstand tons of punishment. No surprise, my son is already ordering his own set of Bumper Balls™ . He can’t wait to “teabag the streets” every Friday night.
What’s more, Bumper Balls™ look totally badass dangling perfectly between my Make America Great Again bumper sticker and Jesus Rides Shotgun bumper sticker. Hey, nowhere in Leviticus does it say “Thou shalt not hang testicles from thy bumper.” (Or maybe it does, actually. Leviticus says a lot of things) If only Bumper Balls™ came in camouflage they could match the gun rack in the back of my truck. A patriot can dream can’t he? But seriously, everything about Bumper Balls™ is great. I even like the choice of Sam Elliot to pitch them on television. “Bumper Balls™ …rugged like the American spirit. The brawny back sac.” Fuck yeah!!!
Now, if only I could get Bumper Balls™ as a hood ornament too. What better way to say “I’m about to pass you, pussy,” and 15 seconds later say “”I just passed you, pussy.”? Goddamn right.
So seriously: accept no substitute. In fact, accept nothing, do nothing, buy nothing, until you’ve got a pair of Bumper Balls™ hangin’ and bangin’ off your vehicle. You’ll thank me and I’ll tell ya ahead of time: you’re welcome.