Friday, October 12, 2012

Product Review: Bumper Balls

Wow! No other truck testicles can hang with Bumper Balls

I’ve gotta’ tell everyone how great Bumper Balls are for truck owners. Over the years I’ve owed many brands of testicles that attach underneath the back bumper of your vehicle: Truck's Nuts, Junk Under Trunk, you name it. However, after only a few thousand miles of wear the rubber tread in my old scrotums had worn down to the veins. Shame on those other cheap truck testies. Bumper Balls clearly is the best on the market. Despite putting about 30,000 miles on my pickup truck since buying Bumper Balls, they still look and feel as if they just descended yesterday. I also gotta’ say that a lot of those miles aren’t highway or “easy driving” miles neither. I love to drive my truck off the beaten path. My Bumper Balls have probably smacked off of a thousand potholes and mud puddles. Once they got snagged between two pointy rocks for 4 hours during a blizzard. After I got towed out…not a scratch on these Bumper Balls. The next summer they even walloped a turtle that was crossing a rugged country road. The Bumper Balls remained unscathed while the turtle got fuuucked up.  That’s toughness!
The mechanism used to detach and reattach Bumper Balls is easy to master.  It’s just a sturdy pin protruding from the top of the sac that secures the whole unit on the rear bumper of the vehicle. In fact, my sixteen-year-old son got his first car last week and he begged me to let him borrow my Bumper Balls for his first night of “hittin’ the town”. How could I say no? I simply removed the Bumper Balls from my truck and reattached them to his hatchback. It took all of five minutes; just one tool required. As one can imagine, the nuts hang a lot lower to the ground off a hatchback, but obviously Bumper Balls can withstand tons of punishment. No surprise, my son is already ordering his own set of Bumper Balls. He can’t wait to “teabag the streets” every Friday night.  
What's more, Bumper Balls look totally badass dangling perfectly between my Make America Great Again bumper sticker and Jesus Rides Shotgun bumper sticker.  Hey, nowhere in Leviticus does it say "Thou shalt not hang testicles from thy bumper." (Or maybe it does, actually. Leviticus says a lot of things) If only Bumper Balls came in camouflage they could match the gun rack in the back of my truck. A patriot can dream can't he? But seriously, everything about Bumper Balls is great. I even like the choice of Sam Elliot to pitch them on television. “Bumper Balls…rugged like the American spirit. The brawny back sac.” Fuck yeah!!!

Now, if only I could get Bumper Balls as a hood ornament too. What better way to say "I'm about to pass you, pussy," and 15 seconds later say "I just passed you, pussy."?  Goddamn right.

-Burt Webster (Paducah, KY) 


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