Wednesday, January 29, 2014

The Circle Jerk of Life

Mufasa and Simba are sitting together, surveying the Pride Lands. 

Mufasa: Simba. Son. Everything you see exists together, in a delicate balance. As king, you need to understand that balance, and respect all the creatures—from the crawling ant to the leaping antelope.

Simba: But, Dad, don't we eat the antelope?

Mufasa: Yes, Simba, but let me explain. When we die, our bodies become the grass. And the antelope eat the grass. And so we are all connected in the great circle of life.

Simba: Hey! Don’t we share friendships with the antelope since we all live together in the Pride Lands?

Mufasa: Sure. I know many antelope quite personally. A fine species! But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t eat them.  You remember Herbert, the antelope who tells jokes down at the water hole?

Simba: I like him. He’s funny.

Mufasa: Not anymore. I ripped his throat out yesterday. In fact, you had him for dinner last night.

Simba: Jesus Christ.

Mufasa: That’s just how it goes, kiddo.

Simba: Don’t you feel bad about it? He had a family.  

Mufasa: The circle of life doesn’t care. 

Simba: So who is going to take care of his sons?

Mufasa: Ain’t our problem.

Simba: But now their daddy is dead. 

Mufasa: Listen, Tanner and Billy will be fine. If you were listening earlier, their father will eventually come back as grass, and they will eat the grass. So, he will be still helping them grow up, in a way.

Simba: But won’t they develop, like, childhood maturity issues?

Mufasa: Maybe. But only until we eat them too.

Simba: I don’t want to eat them.

Mufasa: You’ll have no choice. When you pin Tanner to the ground he’ll try to appeal to your emotions. He’ll beg.  He’ll tell you to think about HIS kids. He’ll tell you to remember the good times you two had goofing off in the elephant graveyard. Hey, Circle of Life pal—too bad, so sad. Let the disembowelment commence.

Simba: I think I’ll going to puke.

Mufasa: There’s something satisfying about crushing the skull of your kill, friend or no friend. Just thinking about it makes me salivate!

Simba vomits.

Mufasa: Great! Now you'll have little chunks of Herbert caked in your mane. Anyway, there is one more thing about the circle of life. Son, how many lions are there in Pride Rock?

Simba: (wiping evacuated food chunks from his chin) Just you, me, and Scar.

Mufasa: And how many lionesses are there in Pride Rock?

Simba: A whole bunch.

Mufasa: Three hundred and twenty one. There are three hundred and twenty one lionesses in Pride Rock. You know what I’m getting at, son?  Take a look around you.  Everyone you see, everyone in your kingdom—you will be able to either eat or screw.

Simba: What’s screw?

Mufasa: (laughs heartily) Come 'mere you. (He puts his paw around Simba.  The song Circle of Life plays.)

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Classic Rockers' Childhood Warning Signs of Future Disagreeable Behavior

Ozzy Osbourne- Bit the head off Mr. Fuzz, the 3rd grade class hamster.

John Lennon- Shadowed daily by playground sweetheart resulting in lifetime ban from BOY'S ONLY treehouse.

Roger Waters- Walled-in self using couch cushions from ages 7-9 and refused play dates with neighborhood children.

Pete Townshend- Smashed tin whistle after talent show rendition of When the Band Comes Marching In.

Gene Simmons- Got tongue stuck to frozen flag pole during recess. (No dare)

Robert Plant- Yelled "woot-woot" whenever Sunday school teacher mentioned Satan.

Axel Rose- Announced album Chinese Democracy would be released by first day of middle school.

Elton John- Wore Halloween costumes every day of year except Halloween. (see also David Bowie and Peter Gabriel)

Phil Collins- Born on 1/30/1951 in London, England.

Keith Richards- Used character band-aides to cover heroine track marks.