Friday, November 30, 2012

A Hoarder's Christmas Wish List

1.      a clump of Collie dog fur stuck to a piece of chewed Double Mint gum
2.      17 Zip Lock bags full of spit-out mouthwash
3.      a new maplewood coffee table, buried under 500 pound of moldy National Geographic magazines
4.      a drawer full of discarded dentures
5.      a freezer stuffed with venison from a deer shot in 1997
6.      someone to fix the hole in the living room where the raccoons wander in
7.      more raccoons
8.      the complete Old Spice Deodorant stick collection
9.      my old Teddy Bear from when I was a toddler (the house fells empty without it)
10.  that toenail clipping that fell between the floorboards last summer
11.  dust
12.  my husband back (I know he’s in the bathroom somewhere)

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Non-Famous Joe Namath Guarantees Resulting In Him Running Away In Slow Motion While Wagging His Finger Skyward After Said Guarantee Had Come To Fruition

-“It will be at least, AT LEAST, twenty five minutes until the merge point.”

-“When your mother sees the mess you’ve made she’ll make you march straight up the stairs, mister.”

-“That stain WILL NOT come out, even with bleach.”

-“Daryl will shit his pants when I tell him I got the Steely Dan tickets”

-“Okay, but the wasps will just come back.”

-“The third drawer from the top…FROM THE TOP.”

-“I’m telling you, the guy who walks the big dog in the morning and the loud-mouth guy in the car commercials are. the. same. damn. guy.”

-“Your spaghetti will get cold.”

-“If we don’t bury the hamster TODAY, the whole upstairs will stink three Sundays into next month?”

-“Trust me, there'll come a day when you’d have wished you hired a plumber.”

-“Try to pet it on the stomach and you’ll end up with no less than five stitches.”

-"It ain't."


Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Thunk Tank 2

 Oh, it’s you again! I was just sitting here by the fireplace, lounging in this silk bathroom and puffing on this gaudy pipe. Here are a few random thoughts…

-Here is a fun trick for Pittsburghers to pull this winter. Whenever it snows, and the neighbor across the street has shoveled out his parking spot and put his plastic chair on the street, do the following. Move the chair out of the way and park in the shoveled out spot. Then put the chair on top of your car and walk away like it’s nobody’s business. Your neighbor will be left to wonder how in the heck you parked UNDER their chair.

 -I think television shows centered on food are gross, if not morally corrupt on some level. Some people don’t have food; other people watch 10 channels of food shows. I’m especially adverse to the shows that are primarily about eating food. Some people don’t have food; other people watch Man Versus Food. Think about that. Little Tanzu wants a hamburger to stave of malnutrition. Chuck wants to defeat one.

-Poor Thanksgiving. It gets lost in the glare of Christmas and has become increasingly shortchanged by Black Friday as the retail season expands. It’s a shame. Thanksgiving is Christmas without all the extra crap.

-Speaking of Christmas, am I the only one who misses blow molds? Your remember blow molds, right? They are cheap hollow hunks of poorly painted plastic decorations lit by an incandescent bulb at the base. They run in flocks; you normally see about 6-10 of them together, often on the same porch or front lawn. Since consumers can purchase a life-sized Santa in a life-sized sleigh with eight tiny life-sized reindeer, and all other kinds of massive sparkling decorations, the blow mold has gone the way of the dodo and the cigarette umbrella.  

-Just like television shows about dudes in a fist fight with an Angus steak are morally bankrupt, so are the gaudy decorations mentioned above. In some countries, people can’t purchase clothes. In America, you can purchase an eight foot inflatable outhouse with a swinging door that reveals a surprised Santa squatting on the shitter. Not that I’m necessarily in a crusade to conquer every inflatable pooping Santa, I’m just sayin’.

-Jim Quinn, from the conservative radio show Quinn and Rose, is a numbskull. This morning he said something to this effect, “The reason America can’t win wars is because we target smart bombs through the bad guys’ bathroom windows. Another bad guy just shows up later. The way to win wars is to target the civilian population until the people rise up against their government.” Good lord! Think about what this buffoon is suggesting. By those measures an army should not even bother wasting a single bullet on the opposing army. The battle plan would be to strictly aim the semiautomatic rifles and laser-guided bombs on civilians. And if the primary aim is to rile the public into overthrowing their regime, a military strategist would aspire to spare the strongest amongst the civilian population. If Jim Quinn were the commanding officer in the impending Iranian invasion, his battle plan would be as such: Start with barging into schools and daycare centers and let the bullets fly. Bomb the little league fields, dance school and playgrounds. The parents of the obliterated toddlers will be so pissed that they will march against the shrines and stronghold of the Iranian leadership, and overpower the national army in the process. Only then, will there be peace.
Jim Quinn is too powerful and widely heard a voice to say such utterly dumb things.

-If you were born in America, you should not be proud to be an American. You should consider yourself damn lucky to be born here; you should be glad to be an American. Immigrants who take the test and become civilians can be proud to be American. Illegal immigrants who risk life and limb to push a lawn mower or scrub a sink basic to feed their family can be proud. Soldiers who defend our country deserve be proud, and American. Me and you, we’re just damn lucky.

-Want to see into the past? Open your eyes. When you look into the heavens, you are seeing things as they were millions of light years ago. Now look down at the house across the street. You are seeing the house as it was a split second ago. However, you can cut a split second in half an infinite amount of times.
Let’s say the present represents a time between X and Y. Anything that happened before X is a memory. In fact, it may not have happened at all. Anything that will happen after Y, well, it hasn’t happened yet and may never happen. The present, the time between X and Y, an be cut in half an infinite amount of times.
I propose that you and I are perpetually living in an infinitely small amount of time in which we perceive things that have happened an infinitely long time ago.