Thursday, December 8, 2016

Something In The River

During the workweek, I park about a mile from the Allegheny County Court of Common Pleas—where I'm employed—to avoid the downtown Pittsburgh parking fees. I walk to work. Along the way I pass Mercy Behavioral Health—psychiatric facility, a Salvation Army—drug and alcohol rehab, the Allegheny County Jail, the Renewal Center—halfway house, the Allegheny County Municipal Court, the Allegheny County Criminal Court, and the tent shantytown underneath the Parkway East overpass. The scenes amid the walk from the Three Rivers Heritage Trail parking lot on the South Side to Ross St. downtown are reliable landmarks. To identify a few: The two scruffy curmudgeons, wearing 1990's Starter team parkas, who perpetually antagonize the poor toothless lady, also wearing a 1990's Starter team parka, while they carouse on the street curb. "Zig-Zag Guy" who, ah, zig-zags along the sidewalk and swigs from the 16 oz. Miller Lite can fused to his palm while he mumbles either nursery rhymes or footnotes in the Necronomicon. The motley flock of desperate humanity who fritters another sunrise while wandering among the jumble of pop-up parcels that form Hobo Junction—including the tent tagged "NIGHTMARE" in black spray paint—under the 376 East traffic jam.  


Sometimes the Monongahela River flows upstream, as it was the crisp morning of Monday, October 24th, 2016. Okay, so the river doesn't actually flow upstream; it just looks like it is. The effect is a visual sleight of hand perpetrated by nature. Regional wind typically blows from west to east, down the Ohio River Valley and the Monongahela River Valley, thus forcing the top "layer" of the Mon River the opposite direction of the water underneath. 

The Mon River was muddy, choppy, and flowing upstream that morning; a weekend of scattered heavy rain had preceded my walk to work. I passed the first two aforementioned landmarks en route to the Tenth St. Bridge. As I began scaling the span of bridge that tops Allegheny Millwork and Lumbar Co. on the South Side, I noticed something floating, or partly submerged, near the downtown-side riverbank and not far downstream from the bridge itself. My initial conclusion was the object was a large beaver. I'd spotted beavers in the Mon River before, while kayaking. The object appeared to be a fiery orange roundish clump, attached to an elongated roundish black clump—a beaver's body and tail. However, as I gradually approached the object, its girth wasn't that of a beaver. A tree trunk perhaps? No, the color and shape didn't fit. A trash bag? Nah, a trash bag would be fluttering wildly in the choppy current.

I'm a fast walker. I pass handfuls of pedestrians amid my daily walk to work. I've only been passed by three others—each moving hurriedly, perhaps late for something—on the Tenth Street Bridge during my six years of crossing it. I sidestepped others as I approached the object. I attempted to glance into their faces and notice if they were also contemplating the object's identity. None seemed to have spotted the…eh…whatever it was. The mystery was mine to solve alone. All I needed was a closer inspection. As I approached the object, the realization rained on me in a sudden downpour—I'm staring at a body! I needed a closer look, though, so I used my IPhone camera to snap a picture. I zoomed in. Yep, that's a body, alright! I looked around again at passing pedestrians. All seemed oblivious to THE BODY in the river. Am I the only one who sees the body in the river? THERE'S A FUCKING BODY IN THE FUCKING RIVER! A man's body! Gotta' be. Looks just like one. I see defined back muscles. I see the buttocks. I see a head. I see arms, however blurry, submerged underneath the torso. Orange shirt! Blue jeans! Exposed flesh between the shirt and jeans! That's definitely a goddamn body! How can no one else notice this? Why isn't there a crowd? Why aren’t others taking pictures? Where is the Pittsburgh River Patrol? The body must've been reported by now. Right? RIGHT? I'd been standing in the same spot for five minutes now. Maybe it isn't a body. Hell, it can't be a body. Just can't be. Must be something else, and I'm the only one who can't tell a body from…a beaver? No. It DEFINITELY ain't a beaver, remember? A log? No. Already eliminated a log from possibility. Trash? No. It's isn't trash! Come on, you know it ain't trash. Wait! It must be a fake body. Eureka! It's a Halloween prank. I'm the only sucker who thinks the body is an actual corpse and not a dummy, or a prop sold in a Spirit Halloween store. Jesus, why am I even bothering with this? It's just a friggin' joke! It looks TOO MUCH like a body to be an actual body. The fake body looks ripped, like a body builder. It's probably plastic—a Tommy Hilfiger mannequin from JC Penny. Or it's rubber, like a tackling dummy. A real corpse would be round and bloated. I watched Faces Of Death in college. Hah! Good one! Can't fool me. I'm heading to work.

I kept on walking.

Minutes later, I noticed a buddy of mine walking near the Allegheny County Jail, about 40 yards ahead of me. I figured a second opinion couldn't hurt. I began sprinting toward him, cell phone in hand, and blurry picture of the body on the screen. What the hell are you doing? He's going to tell you to call 911, idiot. Of course he is. Even if that is just a hunk of plastic with a smiley face drawn on the head in Sharpie you need to call the authorities. A mother might be praying to God for news, any news, concerning the whereabouts of her missing son. A young daughter might be stapling Xeroxed photos of her father on telephone poles, believing she may never learn what became of him. Jesus, SOMEONE out there is desperately seeking closure. I slowed to a walk, winded from the dash. But still, I don’t want to waste emergency crews’ time for a sick prank. Surely, others are in more need of services. What if a house fire breaks out? What if a toddler falls into a well? What if the Fort Pitt Bridge spontaneously combusts...again? I can’t let the pranksters win. I know. I’ll call 311. That’s right. To report a possibly dead human being in the river I called The City of Pittsburgh’s 311 response line—the number one calls to report a pothole on Second Avenue, or ask what week compost pick-up is. Of course, as soon as I told the operator I wanted to report a floating carcass she told me to call 911….duh! “Yeah, I guess I kinda’ already knew that,” I told her.

I called 911. Too bad there isn't a way the dispatcher could be given a heads up concerning my emergency. Any mention of a floating corpse is a super awkward ice breaker. I wish there was a feature like "...Press 4 to report an armed bank robber. Press 5 to report a dead body in the river. Press 6 to report..." Anyway, the conversation went pretty much the way one would expect.  I laid out my case: "Maybe a dead body…in the Mon River…might not be a real body but it sure looks a helluva lot like a real body…near the shoreline on the city side...maybe just a Halloween prank…orange shirt and blue pants…sorry if it isn't actually a real dead body."

Throughout the call, what struck me most was the 911 dispatcher's nonchalant tone, as though I'd dialed the "Report-A-Corpse Hotline", and I was the 37th caller of the day. Remember that State Farm commercial? "Six dead body reports ahead of us Jimmy." 

My first errand upon arriving at work was to call my wife. "I think I just found a dead body," I told her. Seconds later, and I do mean SECONDS later, two co-workers crept into my cubicle with wide-eyed slack-jawed "holy fuckin' shit" looks on their faces. As I detailed to my wife the last 15 minutes of my life, the two "holy fuckin' shit" faces gradually bore down. I had an audience. After I hung up the phone I texted her the picture of the body. Then I detailed, again, my Monday morning escapade to my two co-workers. Their "holy fuckin' shit" looks only got "holy fuckin' shittier," as my story unfolded. They left my cube with the "holy fuckin shittiest" looks I'd ever seen.

A few minutes later my wife texted me back a keen observation. "The body looks Mr. Incredible." I studied the picture again. The reddish shirt, the blackish pants, the muscular build, the overall fake appearance—indeed, the body DID look strikingly like Mr. Incredible. I just reported to emergency responders the floating carcass of a much loved and respected computer animated Disney superhero! I'm a twisted dope! A part of me felt relieved to acknowledge "the body" was almost certainly not a body. But as morally insolvent as it sounds, an equal part of me felt duped, felt defeated.

The feeling lasted a minute, maybe two.

"Yep. It's officially a body," exclaimed my co-worker, reemerging into my cubicle, cell phone in hand. "I just got a notification from WTAE.  'Man's body discovered in Monongahela River.' "

Okay, here's the part of the story I'm most ashamed to share…my kneejerk reaction to the news was to shout "YES!" and do a fist pump. I felt vindicated. But almost immediately afterward, shame befell me. The object in the river was the mother's son, was the daughter's father…was a human being. I sat there for a few moments, staring up at the tiny black specs in the particleboard ceiling. The object in the river IS a human being.

The remainder of the work day I enjoyed a small measure of celebrity status. Co-workers approached me unsolicited: "I heard you are a hero." Emails came in: "People down here are talking about you." I became more animated upon each retelling of the story: "I thought it was a beaver…but then I was like 'holy shit, it's a body'…I called 311 like I was reporting a pothole…no wait, IT'S MR. FRIGGIN' INCREDIBLE!!!...'Hey, I got a blurb from WTAE'…sadness."  

Hell yeah, I'm a hero. Where's my key to the city, Mr. Mayor?

Furthermore, I checked local news sources throughout the day in hopes of learning details, any details, about the identity of the body or circumstances surrounding the death. But each news article was nearly identical: "A body was found in the Monongahela River after 'someone' called to report it. No further information is known."  


Throughout the next few weeks I continued to investigate news outlets in hopes of learning details. I wanted closure too. But there were no updates. The news blurbs that broke on the morning of October 24th were frozen in time. The headlines sunk lower with each Google search. I eventually ceased my pursuit. Admittedly, as the days passed, and my interest weened in lockstep with my 15 minutes of fame, I became increasingly relieved my daily searches yielded dead ends. I didn't want a beaming face to pair with the one I saw submerged, and lifeless. I didn't want quotes from his grieving family. I didn't want to know his hobbies. 

After recounting the discovery to family, friends, and co-workers time and again, and laughing freely and regretless at the punchlines I'd melded into each retelling (not to mention that a buddy had gag-gifted me a Rogue's Dead Guy Ale), I came to the conclusion that I didn't even want to know his name.

Why? Simply because he had a name.


I got a Facebook notification on November, 30th. It was a link to a Pittsburgh Post-Gazette article: "Body Identified of Man Found in Mon River in October"

I read the article. The deceased's name is Dwayne.

(If you are curious about details, perform a Google search, or view my Facebook page. Although the deceased's real name is public information, I choose here to refer to him using a fictional name, Dwayne.) 

Dwayne's Facebook page still exists. December 1st, the day I perused his FB page, happened to be his 33rd birthday. Jesus, only 33! More disturbingly, however, was his photograph, prominently displayed, taken from atop the Rankin Bridge, overlooking the Monongahela River. I learned a few personal intricacies about Dwayne's life, too: He doted on his young nephew. He had a thing for women with, ah, bountiful assets. And he publicly apologized for not believing in God.

Dwayne endeared himself to me.

Obviously, Dwayne's death is a great shame. I'd prefer he were playing catch in the backyard with his nephew right now. But he ain't. When heartrending things like Dwayne's death occur, people tend to say that it's unnatural that someone dies in such a manner, and so young.

No. It's rare, but it's not unnatural.

Sometimes the river flows upstream.
Credit: Dwayne

Monday, November 14, 2016

Blue Lilly Pads On The Blood Pond

In four years America awakens, shivering cold, in a bathtub. How the hell did I wind up in a tub full of ice cubes? Gotta’ get up. Gotta’ get outta’ here. A searing pain emanates from somewhere…from somewhere. Oh Christ! What is going on? What the fuck happened? Scoop up a handful of ice cubes and toss them over the side of the tube. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Wait. Oh, Jesus Christ! What is that? What the fuck is that? The stitch job on the abdomen’s nearly black lump looks like the work of a seamstress with twisted fingers. Blood seeps. A serrated steak knife may be the culprit. Rusty too, perhaps. Who did this to me?

You did it to yourself, America. You did it. Now your organ is up for bid on the dark web to the highest bidder: China, Putin, or the four-hundred-pound couch potato and hacker. And who knows which organ was reaped, anyway? Hard to tell. Doesn’t matter, really. Surely not a heart or head. Those both atrophied long ago. America, you stuffed your face with the Kardashians, tall tales of Mexican rapists clawing at the cellar door, and post cards from a new Rome. (Psst! Nero has been fiddling the whole time.) The red pills that were slipped under your tongue during the commercial break dissolved quickly. You didn't even know you were saying aah, did you?

The trip was good at first. You let loose pleasure squeals after you dropped trou in anticipation of a hand job from Ronald Reagan’s ghost. But then consciousness became gradually foggier until it flatlined. This unleashed the suppressed indoctrinated butcher lying low in the deepest reserves of the hindbrain since the 1950’s. You were alone, a defenseless and witless victim of your own worst angels of your folly. Your right hand sawed through healthy skin and muscle, despite the left hand vying to wrest control of the blade handle. Now there’s just the Frankenstein wound, and the life support of the ice cubes.

You did it to yourself, America. You did it.


Hunter S. Thompson’s nemesis was Richard Nixon. He wrote of Nixon in his crafty He Was a Crook obituary, “Nixon was so crooked that he needed servants to help him screw his pants on every morning.” For those of my generation, George W. Bush and his administration was our Richard Nixon and his gang of thugs; Bush’s mind was run by a solar panel on the dark side of the moon, and Dick Chaney was Cthulhu in a latex body suit.

In a 2004 pre-presidential election piece, Thompson wrote “If (Nixon) were running for president this year against the evil Bush-Cheney gang, I would happily vote for him.” Why? Because Bush was a “treacherous little freak.”

With the election of Donald Trump as President of the United States of American, I understand Thompson’s renewed sentiment, squared.


Elementary school teachers might as well pull down the United States 2016 post-election map over the chalk board and say, “Okay kids, the metro areas are blue, everything else red.” Truly, the big cities are lily pads in a blood pond. Zoom in on the 2016 election map of Allegheny County, in western Pennsylvania. My hometown of Pittsburgh is navy blue and (most of) the suburbs are various shades of red.


Sure, minorities and liberals are concentrated in the cities—not to mention hubs of academia—but the contrast in political preference is stark. The answer is surely so nuanced that a political psychologist typing Facebook posts for an infinite amount of time will eventually nail a thorough explanation of the dilemma.

Regardless of the urban-rural divide, which fascinates me, I’m comfortable making a few non-geographical sweeping generalizations: Too many voters dim their minds for convenience sake, and cast ballots from the gut. What a fucking stupid thing to do! Considering the recently concluded 2016 election, stupidity meant being as socially conscious as rolling a powder keg into a cigar lounge, and as safety conscious as using it as an ashtray. (Or vice versa, I suppose.)

I believe that relatively few Trump voters are truly racist/Islamophobic/misogynistic homophobic/etc. at their core. I believe that relatively few Trump voters cheer as factories continue to spew carbon dioxide in the atmosphere at the peril of their grandchildren, their children, and themselves.  I believe that almost zero Trump voters want a human roulette wheel to possess the nuclear launch code.

But guess what, Trump voter? It doesn’t matter if you don’t consider yourself a bigot, or if you don’t consider yourself environmentally unconscious, or if you don’t fancy applying for a city building permit to construct a backyard fallout shelter. You voted for Jim Crow 2.0, the gradual manslaughter of Earth, and the potential swift first degree murder of Earth. You voted this way because you choose to be stupid when the stakes were highest. You chose to be selfless and dangerous.


I hold that Donald Trump ran for president as a vanity project. He viewed himself as the focal character of a real-time reality show, not unlike The Apprentice.  He relished the raucous crowds at the rallies, and the omnipresent microphones and camera lens. He saw himself as Billy Mays, but instead of OxyClean he pitched a brand of retro white utopia. He was entertained by the day-to-day reaction of America, as much as America was (regretfully) entertained by him. America itself was his real-time reality show.

On November the 8th, the reality got real.

For all that makes Trump a maniacal scumbag of the highest order, the Trump voter is riper for ridicule than the president-elect. You handed the debauched king his scepter.

Trump’s position on climate change assaults my sensibility, and may provide the clearest example of the source of a pragmatist’s rage. The overwhelming consensus of the scientific community is that humans are chugging headlong toward the sixth extinction. Whatever! The man chosen by the populace to be the most powerful human on Earth actually said that he believes climate change is a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese. As soon as Trump expressed his stance, the American people should’ve dismissed him out-of-hand. Boom! Off the ticket and out of mind you go. Instead, Trump's popularity skyrocketed. He was fucking elected president! As a result, the extinction of the EPA will likely slightly predate the extinction of the human race. Think about that for a second. The most perilous crisis the Earth faces will be exacerbated by the person Earthlings blessed. Forget the Mexican border wall. The landlocked states will need the bricks to keep out refugees from the American coast.

Call me smug. Call me out of out-of-touch. Call out my lack of perspective. But when the scientific community warns of a worldwide catastrophe that will eventually render all politics moot, and you vote for a leader who will clearly worsen the catastrophe…

I know. I know you want "change," whatever the fuck that means.  Name three things, specifically, you want changed? How would you orchestrate these changes? Ok, you're drooling now.


I’m afraid I’m going to begin belaboring points espoused by countless blogs and Facebook posts. Besides, I’m probably preaching to readers who already see things my way. Readers who don’t will dismiss me as whiny and go about grazing on Astro Turf. 

Also, my fingers do not possess the endurance to type enough patently obvious reasons that Donald Trump should not have been voted president. However, I do see hope

The bottom line for this patriot: I'm embarrassed to be an American today. Those feeling the same have been overrun by the other who are either too lazy to think, or too selfless to care, or too short-sighted to see more than 37 seconds into the future.

"Majority rules" sucks when the majority sucks. (Ok, I know, the majority did vote for Hillary Clinton, but it hardly seems worth another tirade). Democracy will doom us all.


I’ll sign off with this: Let’s say you sliced your thigh and have begun to bleed. It’s not a dire emergency yet but you need to drive to the hospital. En route, bovine are blocking the highway. You honk, but they don’t move. You politely ask that a narrow lane be cleared so you may drive through, but they don’t move. You impart the wisdom of moving to the highway’s shoulder lest a semi-truck going 75 mph comes through, but they still don’t fucking move. By now you’re getting woozy from blood loss and you absolutely must get to the hospital. There’s no choice but to back up, slam down the gas pedal, and become the semi-truck.

Inertia can be a beautiful tool when it means self-preservation.

Thursday, November 10, 2016

All Thanks To Trump '16

Under the smoldering rubble of Election '16 stirs a unique opportunity for liberals.

Bernie was a missed connection to be the torch bearer of a groundbreaking liberal movement, the next logical step left of Obama. He likely would've won the general election had he been the Democratic nominee. He was partially, perhaps sinisterly, undercut by Clinton and the establishment.

Clinton is part of the Democratic old guard. One could argue she is guilty by association considering a few of hubby Bill's undesirable policies of the 90's-repealing Glass-Steagall, for instance.

Unfortunately, we're stuck with the quasi-Republican Bernie doppelgänger, Trump: the festering scrotum-pole who appears behind you if you say "Bigly Mc'Pussgrabber" in the Washington Monument reflecting pool three times. And he'll haunt the living for at least four years. In the meantime, hide behind a stack of science books and don't breathe the air.

However, the forthcoming godforsaken four years will indeed be a disguised opportunity that may not have existed had Clinton won the presidency.

It's time to re-evaluate the Democratic old guard. Jettison the dead weight into the sea and allow the resulting water displacement to lift the liberal frigate higher. Okay, now squint. See the shores of mainland Democratic Socialism, and the Colossus of Sanders erected near the dock. Huzzah!

Believe you me, from the aforementioned smoldering rubble a new liberal movement will arise, and several little Bernies-men/women, black/white/Hispanic, puffy tuft of white hair/no puffy white tuft of hair-will lead the way. One will outpace the others to tangle with Trump, or whoever has replaced him after the infamous Yuge Nuclear Oopsy of '19, at the next presidential election. And the Electoral College AND popular vote will favor the Democratic challenger. Liberals will dance to the death rattle of their enemies. And with minorities and young educated folk an increasing sector of society, this dance won't go out of style.

All thanks to Trump '16.

Thursday, October 27, 2016

Head Bash: Gnardbro's Bodacious Brain Trauma Game

Congratulations on your purchase of Head Bash, the newest most exhilarating board game on the pre-teen market.

Hey kids! Cut from your Pee-Wee football team? Not able to slap on the shoulder pads and break though the paper banner with the squad? Is your unemployed and divorced father fuming because he can't relive his fifth-grade glory days through his one and only son? Good news. Head Bash is the board game for those who aren't on the roster, but still want to experience all the brain trauma and crippling head injuries only the finest prepubescent athlete endures. Head Bash is a full-on blitz amongst players along a treacherous path through fading memories and double vision. First one to Uncle Henry's Hospice wins! So grab your friends and plan a night of Head Bash. We promise an unforgettable night you'll never remember…because of real brain damage.  

Ages: 6-12

Number of Players: 2-6.

Objective: Be the first player to reach Uncle Henry's Hospice.

Six Tokens: Crutches. Ice Pack. Bottle of Percocet. Battered Wife. Body Bag. Junior Seau.

Misc: One oak wood 2x4. One pad of Release Of Liability forms.* One drool cup. One drop seizure helmet.

How Head Bash Is Played: Each player selects one token and places it on the "Start" square—the picture of the happy-go-lucky grade-schooler below the quote "I got my whole life ahead of me,"—located in the bottom left corner of the game board. Players take turns rolling the dice (on their futures) and lumber step-by-excruciating-step along the winding path of NFL logos. But there's a twist! Player movement is determined by the number on the bottom (because that's where life is headed) of the dice. First player to Uncle Henry's Hospice wins. It's that simple!

But beware the Weeping Widow spaces along the path. If a player lands on one of these spaces, he/she draws a black card from atop the pile and follows instructions.


Head Bash (12 cards): The most numerous card, and the crux of Head Bash. If the drawn card has a Head Bash logo, every player takes turns bashing you on the forehead as hard as humanly possible with the included solid-as-fuck 2x4. (Note: If the included 2x4 becomes damaged by excessive gameplay, blunt household items/tools, such as a ballpeen hammer or lawn jockey statue, may be substituted.) You do not have to go back any spaces, but the resulting brain trauma will certainly make it exponentially harder to persevere throughout the game.

Ringing Bell (8 cards): Your bell has been rung. In other words, it’s just a glancing blow—by a blitzing linebacker, a gone berserk left tackle, a drunk father with a closed fist but bad aim, etc. Go back two spaces.

Defenseless Receiver (6 cards): You've just caught a tight spiral after cutting back toward the middle of the field for a significant gain, but the closing cornerback has no regard for life or limb and squarely lambastes you with a head-to-head rocket shot. But huzzah, you hung on to the football! Go ahead five spaces, but lose a turn.

Dark Room (4 cards): Uh-oh! You have sustained an in-game head hit and are led into the dark room via stretcher on a cart for a concussion test. Will you return to the game? Roll a single die.
Roll a 6-immediate return.
Roll a 5-probable return (lose one turn).
Roll a 4-questionable return (lose two turns).
Roll a 3-improbable return (lose three turns).
Roll a 2-out for game (you lose).
Roll a 1-out forever (you shall never play Head Bash, or perform a typically simple task, such as walking a mixed-breed terrier or operating a blender, again).

"Rub A Little Dirt On It" (3 cards): Like the Head Bash card, but you must hit yourself in the head with the included 2x4 as hard as humanly possible. Then, "rub a little dirt on it" and resume play the next turn.

C.T.E. (2 cards): Oh great! You've sustained enough repeated head blows and now you have the brain of a 127 year old. Take the number 127, minus your current age. The resulting number is how many turns you lose. In the meantime, enjoy turkey dinner through a straw while gently weeping over a scrapbook of good times long gone, like when you could pass a sobriety test while sober.

Suicide Note (1 card): The dementia, depression, and tireless longing for even the slightest iota of normalcy is simply too much to bear and you've shot yourself in the chest so doctors can study your brain. Pity! You lose, but your exit is dignified. Better luck next time. 

Murder-Suicide (1 card): Holy fuck!!! You strangled your wife and kids with your constantly trembling bare hands, and then jumped off the nearest turnpike overpass. Like the Suicide Note card, you've reached the bitter end of your rope. However, you've chosen a shameful route to end it all. You lose. Hit the showers until next game, Buster.

*Gnardbro sincerely hopes that Head Bash provides players lifelong fun. However, please be sure that each player signs an included Release Of Liability form and mails it to the address on the bottom of the form ASAP. This ensures that Gnardbro is not responsible for any injuries, from minor to perpetually debilitating, sustained during gameplay. The drool cup and drop seizure helmet are provided for your convenience and well-being. Otherwise, you're on your own. Hope it was all worth it.

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Behold My Majestic Bejeweled Crotch

Attention Hoboken Medical Supplies Inc. breakroom. Turn to he who stands stoically like the Colossus of Rhodes beside the vending machine. To he is who is mysteriously shrouded in a knee-length smock. I implore you; brace the living fuck out of yourselves. Buckle your about-to-be-utterly-gobsmacked asses to your folding chairs. I, Dale J. Turneur…Dale the "droopy-eyed insomniac from accounts receivable,"…Dale the "he's so damn boring he makes a conference call seem like a keg party,"…Dale the "seriously, don't you think it's at least a little odd that he keeps five Polaroids of his pet wallaby tacked to his corkboard?"…is about to offer you ultimate transcendence. Feast your weary eyes on he who now tosses the smock and unveils the everlasting divine glory of his midsection.

Behold my majestic bejeweled crotch. BOOM-SHAKKA-LAKA!
That's right. I see the shock on your stupefied faces and sense it ricocheting throughout the very cockles of your souls. These brown dress slacks should look vaguely familiar. Yes, these are the same 'ol slacks ho-hum Dale has worn every Monday and Thursday, and some Wednesdays, for the last six plus years. But no longer are they slacks by which one can set one's watch. Be aghast by how festive thy crotch has become. How glistening are thine loins?! How OG is thine crotch bling?! Dale has brought serious pizazz to casual Friday. "Casual" has never been so fucking awesomely bedazzled.

That’s right. Dale’s rockin’ with his cock in!

Behold, Janet. How does the meek psyche of a part-time reception endure the rarified grandeur of Dale's majestic bejeweled crotch? Recall thusly, Janet. Recall how casually you rejected my nonthreatening advances. Quivering and scared witless I suggest a noncommittal lunch at Quaker State & Lube. "Sorry," you say. "I'm behind in processing work orders," you say. Balderdash! You spent your lunch break munching on Hot Pockets and reading Mademoiselle. You squashed my poor heart nearly all the way down to my now brilliantly adorned crotch-eus maximus. But you know what they say about what doesn't kill you…it makes your crotch majestic and bejeweled? Well, how the fuck you like me now, Toots?! That's right! Bathe in the splendor of your rejected lover's majestic bejeweled crotch. HIYO!

Behold, Chad…Mr. Salesman of the Month, three months running. How your incessant petty hijinks have gradually led to mine awe-inspiring crotch transformation. I take a two-day emergency vacation and come back to the clichéd cat litter in the desk. But tell me, Chad. Tell me what is clichéd about the Mardi Gras surrounding my junk? By the way, that so-called "vacation" was to attend the funeral of my sweet grandmother. Oh how she must be smiling down on me right now, and how my majestic bejeweled crotch now gyrates like a child's party favor in your mystified face. Salesman of the month? I got something to sell YOU, my friend. A fuckin' crotch! HUZZAH! And keep the commission. Oh hey, by the way, thanks so much for super gluing my stapler to my desk. And putting my keyboard in the freezer. And making me do the Ice Bucket Challenge before it was a thing. I got a challenge for you, Chad. Good luck ignoring…THIS SWEET-ASS CROTCH! SKA-DOOSH!

Behold, Mr. Ludwig. Ye of middle-management. Let me ask, sir, how tired are you of being castrated by the brutes at the top of the corporate food chain, you pathetic bald nitwit? That's right, Dale J. Turneur, from accounts goddamn receivable, just called YOU a pathetic bald nitwit. Hey! I'm talking to you, boss-man. Quit staring at your Payless loafers. Look up. Look up, I say. Higher…a little higher…a little hiiigher. Too high! There. Now stop! Tell me what you see. Tell me. What's that? Huh? I can't hear you. Say it louder. LOUDER, so everyone in the breakroom can hear you. THAT'S RIGHT! A MAJECTIC BEJEWELED CROTCH, DIPSHIT! Now just stare at it. Let it sink in. Subject your feeble humanity to the crotch whose essence confines you. Hah! I crawl into your dumb little corner office and practically beg for a paltry 75 cent an hour raise? I just wanted to afford rent. Rent, Mr. Ludwig. You tell me, “Your production is stagnant.” Maybe, just maybe, that’s because I’m perpetually at the very fuckin' top of my game. Anyway, I was evicted last week. “Stagnant?” I scoff. Hey, you know what ain’t stagnant? My fucking crotch, that's what. As I swivel my hips before you, I see in your trembling pupils the reflection of the shimmering plastic gemstones pasted about my thighs. It's like the way the wondrous starry heavens reflect in a cesspool. Understand this, the "heavens" is "my crotch" and the "cesspool" is…guess whooo?...YOU. Anyway…BOOYAKA.

Bejeweled crotch commin' at 'cha, Mr. Ludwig! CAN'T FAKE THE FUNK ON THIS NASTY DUNK.

Behold Hoboken Medical Supplies Inc. breakroom. The Dale you once knew is dead. As Lennon sang in Come Together “One and one and one is three…No one rocks a mother fucking crotch like ME…Dale J. Turneur.” So next time you use the Xerox machine it won't be so easy to ignore everyone's favorite "walking snoozefest" cursed with sitting RIGHT. FUCKING. NEXT. to that noisy-ass shitty thing. Believe you me, from now on whenever you make copies of inventory reports or fax order forms it'll be nearly impossible to ignore the gleaming utopia merely inches from the farther reaches of your precious personal space.

Now, it's high time you settle your own pedestrian humdrum crotches back in your cruddy work chairs. But before you do, I reckon you take one final moment to allow every single morsel of your consciousness to be totally submerged in the breathtaking opulence of my majestic…bejeweled…crotch.

Hand me back my smock, Janet. Break time is fucking over.

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

DemoCRAZY: A Bullhorn For The Witless

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.” -George Carlin

Democracy gives everyone a voice. EVERYONE! That's the problem, folks.
How did Donald Trump escalate to Republican nominee for President of the United States? He didn't flip a coin into a wishing well, close his eyes and wish really, really hard. No, a too large segment of "everyone" escalated him to Republican nominee for President of the United States.

I don't harbor unique disdain for Donald Trump. I don't. He's a misguided shithead, sure, but so are countless others. He's just the most well-known misguided shithead. In fact, I think he's somewhat endearing: a caricature of a parody of a ham-fisted blowhard. He's akin to a classic Saturday morning cartoon villain, like Snidely Whiplash or Boris Badenov. For me, it's hard to rage against him because he seems silly and fake. I don't rage against Skelator. But in a way, Trump is fake. He's merely a physical manifestation of the most disgusting qualities of the hillbilly Sherpas who've lugged him to the peak of Mount Politico.

Remember the pink slime from Ghostbusters 2? (First, remember that there is a Ghostbusters 2?) The river of slime flowing among the abandoned underground subway system was a tangible symptom of the collective rage of New Yorkers. The slime grew in lockstep with every "Hey, I'm walkin' here," or "Get the fuck outta' my way, ass fucker". Donald Trump is the slime in Ghostbusters 2, birthed by of the collective rage of the "basket of deplorables" from sea to bigoted sea.

As long as the slime remains in the subway, it's harmless. Unfortunately, we're potentially months away from being swallowed.

Why? Because everyone has a voice, that's why. Every soccer mom who is afraid of being t-boned by an unlicensed Mexican driver, every unemployed Appalachian coal miner who refuses to accept that his old job is obsolete and it's time to plant a windmill, every white Kid Rock fan who sneers at the #blacklivesmatter hashtag…all those and their ilk have a goddamned voice. And they're speaking together. On November 8th witness a conga line of the witless--armed from brim to ball sac with concealed Glocks, Dixie flag Underoos, and IQs befitting a concussed wombat--strut into the neighborhood Catholic elementary school or Polish Hall and cast a vote to Make America Fucking Great Again.

These loudmouths are the ones to choke. They suffocate, and so does Dr. Claw.
Choke may be too brutal a tactic, but ridicule is not. Trump supporters deserve ridicule of the harshest variety. If you care the slightest about the future, you shouldn't have to ask why Trump supporters should face the most vivid distinctions in the Urban Dictionary. For instance, Trump doesn't even acknowledge the bleak science driving climate change, let alone plan to act. Whoever supports a candidate for President of the United States who proclaims climate change a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese is worthy of a barrage of derogatory kill shots.

I'm no tree-hugging peacenik, but I want my grandchildren to not worry about the riptide when they play in their backyard in Western PA. Shit, it's my duty as a parent to do what it takes, short of felony charges, to press the mute button on democracy. At least until Simon Bar Sinister perishes in a lab explosion.   

Thursday, September 15, 2016

New Ryde Self-Driving Cars Tell Drivers to Go F*ck Their Own F*ck Holes

(AP) Bentleyville, Pa.- Pull over Uber. New Ryde self-driving cars are here, and you won't want to cut off these mean machines. That is, of course, unless you want to know exactly where to stick it. Spoiler Alert: according to Ryde's automated Pyst Off Driver Insult System (PODIS), the answer is "directly up your lily-white stank ass."

Beginning Monday morning, Bentleyville commuters can opt to be picked up by one of a fleet of Ryde's brand new self-driving cars. What's more, once aboard a Ryde car, passengers can be driven to work with the peace of mind that goes with knowing that the car itself will automatically and reactively tear into the fragile psyche of other overly aggressive dick sucking piece-of-shit drivers.

Ryde commuter sedans are equipped with all the features of modern manually-operated and self-driving sedans alike, and with many luxury features too: heated seats, Sirius Radio, and rooftop cup holders to name a few. But what sets Ryde cars apart from Uber, for instance, is cutting-edge Pyst Off technology. Pyst Off operates in the same manner as...well...a pissed off manual operater. If the Ryde car is cut off in traffic, or has its fender bumped, or worse, the Pyst Off system automatically detects the infraction and engages with extreme prejudice. First, a two-foot metal telescoping pole projects from a slot near the driver's side window. Then a creepily life-like rubber human hand--attached to the business-end of the pole--extends a hearty middle finger skyward. The finger proceeds to violently thrust in the air three times. But that's not all. A pre-recorded demeaning insult--voiced by a celebrity of the customer's choice--is hurled at the offending motorist.  Such insults include, but are not limited to: "Fuck you, buddy," or "Eat my fucking shit you shitty fucking moron," or "I had your bitch-ass mother last night, dick fucker," or even "suck my fucking ass you fucking shit-eating fuck-bag. "  These demeaning insults are voiced by, but not limited to: Morgan Freeman (duh), 15th President James Buchannan, John Wayne, John Wayne Gacy, MLB Hall-of-Famer Andre Dawson, Howard Cosell, Maya Angelo, Bono, the real Elephant Man John Merrick, Ghandi, etc. The thinking goes, once a speeding cock-smoking motorist hears famed children's musician Raffi call them a "retarded ass-munching pud-fucker," they'll think twice about going 45 in a 25 zone.

Ryde is considering adding a new feature that allows the customer to log their own voiced insults in a recording device upon pick-up, to be played back if necessary. Ever want to call a tailgating fuck-faced cock-mobster a "snaggle-toothed cross-eyed fuck" but were too lazy? Just press the button beneath the window-winder and let 'er rip while you read your Facebook feed and sip on decaf Starbucks.

Test audiences have reveled in Ryde's new feature. Local textile worker and reputed family man Biff Webster says he loves the future of commuting. "To hear Margaret Thatcher tell the knock-kneed fuck-renegade who just pulled out in front of me to diddle his fucking tiny snatch whacker...shit, what a fun and relaxing way to get to the plant."

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

17 Easy To Recognize Signs That a Situation Has Officially Devolved Into a Fiasco

-The couch is soaked in cucumber brine.

-Chunks of the front lawn are in the neighbor's swimming pool.
-Said situation has caused every dog within three blocks to "go off".
-The roof is now over there.
-The nextdoor neighbors have "seen some shit go on at that place over the years, but nothing quite like this utter debacle."
-You come to after a blackout and suddenly find yourself face-to-face with what can only be described as "definitely not the pizza delivery guy."
-The FBI negotiator is present, but he has nothing left to offer.
-"Goddammit, the emergency jackhammer was RIGHT FRIGGIN' HERE last time I checked!"
-An ankle is sticking out of the garbage disposal.
-It looks like it's snowing outside, but something tells you that ain't snow.
-"Yeah, your air guitar slayed alright but how are you going to explain that giant fucking hole in the wall to your father?"
-Marsellus Wallace has sent Winston "The Wolf" Wolf to clean up.
-What was a board game closet a minute ago is now what appears to be a swirling inter-dimensional vortex. 
-Something happens that elicits a whispered "There is no god."
-You're STILL waist-deep in expired Crisco and those scaly things with the googly eyes are just 'round the corner.
-It's beginning to look like The Purge up in here.
-A mushroom cloud has replaced said situation.

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Things More Worth Complaining About Than Colin Kaepernick Not Standing For The National Anthem

-Whoever finished off the coffee didn't clean out the pot...again.

-The weather guy said there's only a 20% change of rain but it's starting to look mighty dark out there and you didn't bring your umbrella.

-Your loafers are starting to become untied.

-Your new sweater vest is a bit frumpy in the midsection.

-That friggin' weed is growing back, goddammit.

-You know you heard your cat throwing up but now you can't find the damned mess for the life of you.

-The power went out for a second and now you have to re-set all the clocks.

-You’re a 49ers fan and your starting quarterback is Blaine friggin' Gabbert.

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

I love you, Alice K 47

Dear Alice K 47,

I know this sounds crazy, but I think I'll in love. Yes, it was just one night, but I haven't been able to stop thinking about you since the Union County Gun Show last Friday. Alice, baby, you are the most gorgeous semi-automatic gas-operated 7.62x39mm assault rifle in the entire world, let alone the wide world of fuckin' awesome firearms.

Sure, I was woozy after guzzling seventeen ice-cold Schlitz at the Funky Bumpkin Saloon when I asked Dale the arms dealer to roll out his wares. And suddenly there YOU were, resting between a Bushmaster M4-type Carbine and a Remington Model 522 Viper…a totally fuckin' badass rose between two totally fuckin' badass thorns. My heart stopped beating for a spilt second. (Of course, that could just be my stupid overactive thyroid, but anyway…) I knew the instant Dale placed you in my hands—after asking me if I was drunk and had proper ID, to which I answered, respectively, "not very", and "does the fishing license on my hat count?"—and I cradled your cold steel butt and smooth, smooth bolt assist mechanism that I wanted to blow the living shit out of something, anything, with you one warm sunny day.

Rush Limbaugh in lederhosen! Just thinking about that moment again causes my palms to sweat. (Of course, that could just be my stupid hyperhidrosis, but anyway…)

I'm convinced it was pure Manifest Destiny that intervened when Dale let me pawn my Make America Great Again camouflage fanny-pack-and-police-baton combo to whisk you away from the Bentleyville Fire Hall for one glorious night. I'll never forget the libido that pulsed through my patriotic loins as I hauled you like a cocked, locked and loaded newlywed back to my doublewide for a Schlitz nightcap.

What happened between us all alone, without the Putin financed NSA peeking around the corner, was sheer 'Murican magic. The way I slooowly removed your barrel jacket…How I geeently stroked your charging handle…When I teeenderly fingered your ejection port. I leaned in to deep throat your sight housing but nudged your trigger in the heat of passion and shot half my goddamn ear to smithereens. Ronald Reagan in a rickshaw, our fore fathers probably creamed in their graves! Who knew your safety was off. Mmm…that's so fuckin' hot! As I scrambled to McGyver myself a makeshift tourniquet to keep two galloons of blood from spraying out my earhole all I could imagine was running off with you to a shotgun wedding. (Ha, Ha. See what I did there, honey gunny.) But seriously, after the bleeding finally stopped and you'd shot your precious load, I pushed aside the empty bags of Cheese Curls and laid you on the futon beside my Glenn Beck Fathead wall decal, wrapped you in the quilt personally knitted by Chuck Norris, and quietly whispered the Second Amendment in your piping-hot greased barrel.

Two days later my mounting passion for you, like my right to keep and bear, well...you, shall NOT be infringed. 

I've been sitting here, alone, in my 1994 Chevy S-10 pickup truck listening to Godsmack deep-cut ballads and Clint Eastwood Reads The Old Testament, and thinking about you. All I got is my memories, and a permanently disfigured earlobe. Like the gunshot residue, I can't get you out of my head. I'm possessed by thoughts of our possible future. Imagine Alice…long walks on a beautiful beach and mowing down a majestic flock of seagulls...just because. Sneaking you into Arby's on a 5-for-5 deal day in case some shifty bugger tries a lil' funny business and we indiscriminately spray several rounds of metal peacekeeping darts all up in his shit and save other clientele from potential harm. Hiking through the park and stopping to instruct the children on the merry-go-round how to properly defend themselves when the government inevitably attempts to overtake the Upside Doodle Playground with their Boeing AH-64 Apache attack choppers and laser-guided bombs. Can't take no teeter-totters from us, Obama.

Shit, the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is you and me, Sugar Nozzle.

I miss you. I need you. The last few days without you have been torturous. I feel so vulnerable right now, like any ol' Allah-lovin' rapist gardener can piss on my freedom without knowing I can pump their shriveled nuts full of lead. Every single night that passes without you resting in my warm alive hands will slowly kill me anyway. What good am I with cold dead hands? Who will defend the G.I. Jesus statue or Sean Hannity nativity scene on the county courthouse lawn from the atheist lib-turd dingle-fuckers? Who, Alice? Not me. At least not without you.

I love you. Let me help you help me help myself by helping you in turn helping me to help America by virtue of making myself great again.

Be great with me, Alice K 47. Bang! Bang!