Wednesday, September 28, 2016

DemoCRAZY: A Bullhorn For The Witless

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.” -George Carlin

Democracy gives everyone a voice. EVERYONE! That's the problem, folks.
How did Donald Trump escalate to Republican nominee for President of the United States? He didn't flip a coin into a wishing well, close his eyes and wish really, really hard. No, a too large segment of "everyone" escalated him to Republican nominee for President of the United States.

I don't harbor unique disdain for Donald Trump. I don't. He's a misguided shithead, sure, but so are countless others. He's just the most well-known misguided shithead. In fact, I think he's somewhat endearing: a caricature of a parody of a ham-fisted blowhard. He's akin to a classic Saturday morning cartoon villain, like Snidely Whiplash or Boris Badenov. For me, it's hard to rage against him because he seems silly and fake. I don't rage against Skelator. But in a way, Trump is fake. He's merely a physical manifestation of the most disgusting qualities of the hillbilly Sherpas who've lugged him to the peak of Mount Politico.

Remember the pink slime from Ghostbusters 2? (First, remember that there is a Ghostbusters 2?) The river of slime flowing among the abandoned underground subway system was a tangible symptom of the collective rage of New Yorkers. The slime grew in lockstep with every "Hey, I'm walkin' here," or "Get the fuck outta' my way, ass fucker". Donald Trump is the slime in Ghostbusters 2, birthed by of the collective rage of the "basket of deplorables" from sea to bigoted sea.

As long as the slime remains in the subway, it's harmless. Unfortunately, we're potentially months away from being swallowed.

Why? Because everyone has a voice, that's why. Every soccer mom who is afraid of being t-boned by an unlicensed Mexican driver, every unemployed Appalachian coal miner who refuses to accept that his old job is obsolete and it's time to plant a windmill, every white Kid Rock fan who sneers at the #blacklivesmatter hashtag…all those and their ilk have a goddamned voice. And they're speaking together. On November 8th witness a conga line of the witless--armed from brim to ball sac with concealed Glocks, Dixie flag Underoos, and IQs befitting a concussed wombat--strut into the neighborhood Catholic elementary school or Polish Hall and cast a vote to Make America Fucking Great Again.

These loudmouths are the ones to choke. They suffocate, and so does Dr. Claw.
Choke may be too brutal a tactic, but ridicule is not. Trump supporters deserve ridicule of the harshest variety. If you care the slightest about the future, you shouldn't have to ask why Trump supporters should face the most vivid distinctions in the Urban Dictionary. For instance, Trump doesn't even acknowledge the bleak science driving climate change, let alone plan to act. Whoever supports a candidate for President of the United States who proclaims climate change a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese is worthy of a barrage of derogatory kill shots.

I'm no tree-hugging peacenik, but I want my grandchildren to not worry about the riptide when they play in their backyard in Western PA. Shit, it's my duty as a parent to do what it takes, short of felony charges, to press the mute button on democracy. At least until Simon Bar Sinister perishes in a lab explosion.   

Thursday, September 15, 2016

New Ryde Self-Driving Cars Tell Drivers to Go F*ck Their Own F*ck Holes

(AP) Bentleyville, Pa.- Pull over Uber. New Ryde self-driving cars are here, and you won't want to cut off these mean machines. That is, of course, unless you want to know exactly where to stick it. Spoiler Alert: according to Ryde's automated Pyst Off Driver Insult System (PODIS), the answer is "directly up your lily-white stank ass."

Beginning Monday morning, Bentleyville commuters can opt to be picked up by one of a fleet of Ryde's brand new self-driving cars. What's more, once aboard a Ryde car, passengers can be driven to work with the peace of mind that goes with knowing that the car itself will automatically and reactively tear into the fragile psyche of other overly aggressive dick sucking piece-of-shit drivers.

Ryde commuter sedans are equipped with all the features of modern manually-operated and self-driving sedans alike, and with many luxury features too: heated seats, Sirius Radio, and rooftop cup holders to name a few. But what sets Ryde cars apart from Uber, for instance, is cutting-edge Pyst Off technology. Pyst Off operates in the same manner as...well...a pissed off manual operater. If the Ryde car is cut off in traffic, or has its fender bumped, or worse, the Pyst Off system automatically detects the infraction and engages with extreme prejudice. First, a two-foot metal telescoping pole projects from a slot near the driver's side window. Then a creepily life-like rubber human hand--attached to the business-end of the pole--extends a hearty middle finger skyward. The finger proceeds to violently thrust in the air three times. But that's not all. A pre-recorded demeaning insult--voiced by a celebrity of the customer's choice--is hurled at the offending motorist.  Such insults include, but are not limited to: "Fuck you, buddy," or "Eat my fucking shit you shitty fucking moron," or "I had your bitch-ass mother last night, dick fucker," or even "suck my fucking ass you fucking shit-eating fuck-bag. "  These demeaning insults are voiced by, but not limited to: Morgan Freeman (duh), 15th President James Buchannan, John Wayne, John Wayne Gacy, MLB Hall-of-Famer Andre Dawson, Howard Cosell, Maya Angelo, Bono, the real Elephant Man John Merrick, Ghandi, etc. The thinking goes, once a speeding cock-smoking motorist hears famed children's musician Raffi call them a "retarded ass-munching pud-fucker," they'll think twice about going 45 in a 25 zone.

Ryde is considering adding a new feature that allows the customer to log their own voiced insults in a recording device upon pick-up, to be played back if necessary. Ever want to call a tailgating fuck-faced cock-mobster a "snaggle-toothed cross-eyed fuck" but were too lazy? Just press the button beneath the window-winder and let 'er rip while you read your Facebook feed and sip on decaf Starbucks.

Test audiences have reveled in Ryde's new feature. Local textile worker and reputed family man Biff Webster says he loves the future of commuting. "To hear Margaret Thatcher tell the knock-kneed fuck-renegade who just pulled out in front of me to diddle his fucking tiny snatch whacker...shit, what a fun and relaxing way to get to the plant."

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

17 Easy To Recognize Signs That a Situation Has Officially Devolved Into a Fiasco

-The couch is soaked in cucumber brine.

-Chunks of the front lawn are in the neighbor's swimming pool.
-Said situation has caused every dog within three blocks to "go off".
-The roof is now over there.
-The nextdoor neighbors have "seen some shit go on at that place over the years, but nothing quite like this utter debacle."
-You come to after a blackout and suddenly find yourself face-to-face with what can only be described as "definitely not the pizza delivery guy."
-The FBI negotiator is present, but he has nothing left to offer.
-"Goddammit, the emergency jackhammer was RIGHT FRIGGIN' HERE last time I checked!"
-An ankle is sticking out of the garbage disposal.
-It looks like it's snowing outside, but something tells you that ain't snow.
-"Yeah, your air guitar slayed alright but how are you going to explain that giant fucking hole in the wall to your father?"
-Marsellus Wallace has sent Winston "The Wolf" Wolf to clean up.
-What was a board game closet a minute ago is now what appears to be a swirling inter-dimensional vortex. 
-Something happens that elicits a whispered "There is no god."
-You're STILL waist-deep in expired Crisco and those scaly things with the googly eyes are just 'round the corner.
-It's beginning to look like The Purge up in here.
-A mushroom cloud has replaced said situation.

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Things More Worth Complaining About Than Colin Kaepernick Not Standing For The National Anthem

-Whoever finished off the coffee didn't clean out the pot...again.

-The weather guy said there's only a 20% change of rain but it's starting to look mighty dark out there and you didn't bring your umbrella.

-Your loafers are starting to become untied.

-Your new sweater vest is a bit frumpy in the midsection.

-That friggin' weed is growing back, goddammit.

-You know you heard your cat throwing up but now you can't find the damned mess for the life of you.

-The power went out for a second and now you have to re-set all the clocks.

-You’re a 49ers fan and your starting quarterback is Blaine friggin' Gabbert.