Stop whining. You can't be in too dire straits if
you're reading this. I mean, you're alive, right? Right? I bet your latest monthly
heating bills chart like an upside down hockey stick. Huzzah! Atlanta is now
within a carefree Sunday jaunt of the creeping Georgian coastline. Surf's up,
brah! Hell, you can fry lizard meat on a rock in Missouri. You know, in case you're
in a "Most Dangerous Game" type situation and you desperately need food.
You're welcome, by the way…Ugh!
All joking aside, how were we supposed to know that
shit on Earth would get so catawampus? It's not like internationally respected
scientists Neil degrasse Tyson and Bill Nye "The Sorry-But-The-Planet-Is-Royally-Screwed-You-Idiots
Guy" weren't exploding our Twitter and Facebook feeds daily with grim
warnings that our Earth would careen toward desolation if we didn't curb our
fossil fuel dependency. How could any sane person take either seriously? For
Christ’s sake, Tyson wore those god-awful flamboyant science-y suit vests, and
Nye taught seven-year-olds how to make whirlpools inside 2-liter bottles of
Coke.
Sure, there was also the other 97% of worldwide
nameless climatologists who were proclaiming the same ominous predictions. But
they weren't personally bothering us on YouTube, so….
Of course, what if all those guys were flat-out
wrong? The remaining 3% of climatologists are climatologists too, right?
Besides, throughout history, science has changed its
mind sooo many times. Remember when we were told acid rain would ruin
everything? Nowadays, I'd swear "acid rain" was a nickname for a
newfangled street drug. Remember that so-called hole in the so-called ozone layer?
I sacrificed years of dousing my pompadour in Aqua Net, and for what? That shit
musta’ closed up overnight. Hell, not too long ago scientists were worried
about “global cooling”. Hah! That Doomsday prophesy was forgotten real damn
quick when those beady eyed nerds with their dorky numbers realized with nearly
100% certainly that industrial carbon dioxide was rising to the atmosphere and
trapping heat, thus threatening humanity. "Global cooling?”…FAIL.
"What if these climate alarmists are
hoaxers?" we wondered. Surely one can understand that stance? Intellectual
luminaries such as ex-vice presidential
candidate Sarah Palin sure as hell thought the jig was up. And what
right-minded patriot wouldn't paint her likeness into the Last Science Supper
alongside fellow geniuses Carol Sagan, Steven Hawking, Dr. Emmet Brown, Bruce
Banner, and...ah…other super-duper smart experts. Hell, Ted friggin' Nugent
thought global warming was balderdash too. You know, 70's rock icon Ted Nugent—the dude who penned the classic ballad
"Wang Dang Sweet Poontang," and once adopted a 17 year-old so he
could legally fuck her. I'm sorry, but when Ted Nugent screeches incoherently
between bouts of snarling at himself in the mirror, I listen.
Okay. Okay. Palin and Nugent aside, what
honest-to-goodness blue-blooded star-spangled American wouldn’t take as gospel
the worldview of the freely elected leader of the industrialized world, the
45th-47th President of the United States, Our 1st Big League Vanquisher of
Intergalactic Binary Star Systems, Donald J. Trump? He warned us from
practically day one of campaigning that global warming was a big fat joke
perpetrated by China. When you connected the dots, it seemed to make perfect
sense: The worldwide scientific community was actually a clandestine horde of
Chinese foreign actors—students of the Inspector Clouseau School of Foolery—hiding
in plain sight behind lab coats and novelty periodic table ties, and planted in
these United States to punk the American people into ditching their
gas-guzzling Hummers for much, much, much more economical two-door Ford
Focuses, recycling trash bags full of empty Schlitz cans, and preventing
millions of children from suffering the lifelong effects of asthma.
Personally, I figured the whole charade seemed
nothing more than a highly coordinated Chinese scam to sell Americans Bonsai
trees on Arbor Day.
Donald Trump was a godsend. Finally, here's a fearless
non-politician politician who actually spoke his mind, man. Bully for him. Not
only that, the guy assured us he was very highly educated. He knew words. In
fact, he had the best words. Who were we simple-minded peons to fucking
question a juggernaut like him?
Alright, so maybe we goofed. I'll admit that some
among us became a little concerned when, within exactly 37 seconds after taking
the oath of office, President Trump pledged to gut climate change research, and
signed an executive order to halt carbon dioxide emissions regulations. But
Uncle Biff didn't despair, boy. He tossed his coal miner helmet in the crisp,
clean air like it was friggin’ graduation day. "Fuck yeah! Coal won the
war on coal," he screamed in delight. The family took him to Chuck E.
Cheese's and bought him a pack of multi-colored glow sticks and five spider
rings to celebrate. He was so giddy that he almost forgot his iron lung between
the out-of-order Dance Dance Revolution game and the animatronics stage.
Uncle Biff is dead now. He never got to use that
coal miner helmet again. Actually, that ain't altogether true. He was buried in
it. So, yeah, I guess you could say he got to wear it underground again. RIP
Uncle Biff.
Anywho, apologizes to those who weren't pre-selected
by The Divine Overseer of The Ministry of Perfect Human Specimens Steve Bannon
("his DNA be praised forever and ever") to board the "Fuck You Alex Baldwin" Deep Space
Colonizer with Trump and the boys. I wasn't one of them either, if that
makes you feel any better.
Seems Bill Nye was right—Earth is royally screwed. Moreover, that blasted Hillary Clinton never was fitted for that orange jumpsuit after all, so this whole knowingly destroying the planet thing was all for naught, but whatever. For me, I'm just going to wash my hands of this whole dang mishap and die guiltless, knowing I had my reasons.
Hey, look on the bright side. No one is worried
about their internet service providers selling their browser history to "evil " corporations
anymore. Hah! Now excuse me while I put a lil' "Wang Dang Sweet Poontang"
on the ol' stereo and let The Nuge power chord my worries away…"Wang dang,
what a sweet poontang. A shakin' my thang, as a rang-a-dang-dang in the bell.
Ohh baby…"
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