Friday, August 30, 2013

Between Grimm’s Fairy Tales and Mein Kampfe

The Holy Bible has no place in modern society, unless it’s parked on the book shelf between Grimm’s Fairy Tales and Mein Kampf.
How many Bible study groups have read and comprehended the lesser-known, but gut-wrenching, text between the fluffy stories like Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat and Jonah and the Whale? Nasty stuff abounds.
For one, I tend to hold in meager regard books in which the main protagonist (and so-called author) murders the entire world in cold blood just a few pages in. Most imagine Noah and the animals on the ark. But what about the hordes of pregnant mothers drowning in their bedrooms, and piles of bloated childrens' corpses bumping off the ark's bow? What about the story in which God delivers she-bears to devour the giggling kids who mock the bald prophet Elisha? Don't skim over the bits advocating slavery and adolescent genitalia mutilation? God--Mr. Omnibenevolent himself--sends his OWN SON on a Kamikaze mission because he is too petulant to forgive his (other?) children otherwise.
Truly, God’s heinous acts make Caligula seem a crook worthy of fifty Adopt-A-Highway hours as punishment, or Hitler seem a zany Dr. Seuss character slopping, bopping, and whoppily nopping 29 winking Whuzzits.
Worse, GOD is who people invoke when preaching tolerance. 
Furthermore, the Holy Bible is allegedly primarily a divine book of rules. Why is it not arranged more like the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure? If the Bible contains the guidelines to which one must adhere in order to please God (again, the author by proxy) and enter into Heaven, you’d think the text would be organized more orderly, or at the very least without the various contradictions, dead ends and rambling (so and so begot so and so begot so and so...who cares?).
If you’re going to shun gay marriage or protest abortion doctors because of the Bible's garbled directives, you must also slide a knife across your neighbor’s jugular vein if he mows his lawn on a Sunday (Leviticus 21:9), stone your teenage son to a pulp if he refuses to be home by midnight (Deuteronomy 21:18-21), or take pleasure in bashing the teeny noggins of toddlers against stones (Psalms 139:19-22). Hell, reign gunfire in a gay nightclub while you're at it. (Leviticus 20:13). God says so.
Being a good Christian will get you 30 years to life.

Humankind will only move beyond the violent CNN headlines when we mature as denizens of Earth and restock religious texts in the fiction section, or the dumpster near the loading dock. If you need God to be a good person, you're not a good person.


Sunday, August 11, 2013

Nice Try Kid

Popular variations of the phrase “Nice try kid, but it looks like you brought a knife to a gunfight.”

Nice try kid, but it looks like you brought nun chucks to a thermonuclear war.
Nice try kid, but it looks like you brought a bazooka to a game of pinochle.
Nice try kid, but it looks like you brought a blow dryer to an inner city game of 3-on-3.
Nice try kid, but it looks like you brought a wheat thrasher to a Tupperware party.
Nice try kid, but it looks like you brought a set of Encyclopedia Britannica to an orgy.
Nice try kid, but it looks like you brought a knife to a Gunsmoke convention.