Tuesday, February 21, 2012

A Letter to Ronnie James Dio

What up, dude? I hate to be a buzz kill since I’m sure you’re in a guitar thrasher netherworld tearin’ it up with Dimebag Darrell and shit, but I gotta’ point out something that’s always bothered me. Rainbow in the Dark is a totally badass song, but a rainbow can’t exist in the dark. It’s friggin’ impossible based on established laws of science, bro. Please don’t get me wrong—I rock out to the killer licks whenever I work the Wendy’s late night window by myself—but I want to respect you as an optical phenomena pragmatist as much as a heavy metal Zeus.

Okay, check out these definitions in the Merriam Webster dictionary. Rainbow: a bow or arc of prismatic colors appearing in the heavens opposite the sun and caused by refraction and reflection of LIGHT in drops of rain. Dark: DEVOID OF LIGHT.

I know, science seriously blows, dude. But by singing “like a rainbow in the dark,” you might as well be singing “like magnesium in the Exosphere,” or “like a wildebeest on the lunar surface.” The songs may very well melt my face off, but let’s be friggin’ realistic here.

For a while, I thought that maybe you knew about this paradox and you meant the lyrics to mean something totally deep, or be like some kind of crazy metaphoric shit. But if a rainbow really could exist in the dark, you wouldn’t even know it’s there, man. It might be bursting out your ass and you’d be none the wiser.
My totally awesome tribute band, the Dio Trio, covers the song. I tried changing the lyrics to “like a rainbow in the light,” but that was superfluous as balls. And singing just “like a rainbow” completely slaughters the melody.

That’s it, dude. Sorry to interrupt your unholy jam session.

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