Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Thunk Tank 1

Oh, it’s you! I was just sitting here by the fireplace, lounging in this silk bathroom and puffing on this gaudy pipe. Here are a few random thoughts…

-I support gay marriage. Many argue that gay marriage dilutes the concept of matrimony. Actually, it seems to me that many heterosexuals enter into marriage too lightly. I suppose the divorce rate alone would support that assessment. Now, consider all the resistance marriage-bound homosexual couples endure: social stigma, damnation from bible thumpers, belittling looks from neighbors, bullying peers, shame from right wing talk show hosts, etc. Regardless, homosexuals are prepared and willing to dodge these bullets en route to the steeple.  Who enters in the bonds of matrimony less lightly than gay folk? If anything, I’d argue that homosexuals who wed further sanctify marriage.   
But hey, we heterosexuals can get sauced then go through the drive-thru chapel in Vegas. 
(Personally, I don’t think there is anything sanctified about marriage, in and of itself.)

-Politically, I consider myself a moderate or Independent. While I sympathize with some conservative values I tend not to admit to such because I would feel in league with the smug, nasty and brutish sensibilities of talk show hosts like Rush Limbaugh, Quinn and Rose, Sean Hannity, etc. Conversely, sometimes I mute my liberal sensibilities to distance myself from the hair-brained, pie-in-the-sky technicolor beatniks.

-I want to see Affirmative Action employed in the NBA, merely for the entertainment payout. Each game would consist of 48 straight minutes of three or four tall black dudes dunking on a bunch of short lame white guys.

-I wonder why anyone labels themselves as a Republican, Democrat, or any other affiliation. Labels don’t do the thinking person justice. Let’s say Jack calls himself a Democrat. One gets out the chart (a multiplication-type chart for this example) and points to “Democrat” with the right finger, and then points to “Topic In Question” with the left finger.  Wherever the two fingers meet, the chart dictates Jack’s opinion. Why even bother asking Jack what he thinks? Ask the chart.
-Another thing that bothers me about the talk show personalities mentioned above is that they pitch every single product ever. Seriously, sometimes you can’t tell when a segment on conservative radio ends and the advertisements begin. Glen Beck broke down in tears as he was lamenting the economy, but then he began yammering on about the security of gold. I soon realized the whole ordeal was a commercial for a gold investment corporation. Rush Limbaugh went from verbally running over immigrants to pitching Venetian blinds. Rose (from Quinn and Rose) segued from railing about superficial “lefties” to pushing face lifts, boob jobs and Botox. I was afraid Michael Savage was going to barge through the radio speakers and rip my throat out until he quickly simmered down and tried to get me to purchase a Vermont Teddy Bear.
-I’ve never been a baby person. I’ve never particularly wanted to be a father. Even today, I’m still not moved by babies, except one. For nine months I imagined the moment I’d see my baby erupt from Kait’s foo-foo. But when the doctor yanked out my son for real, I gasped and covered my gaping mouth as though I’d just witnessed two helicopters crash head-on over an erupting volcano. I was conscious of how ridiculous I appeared, but I couldn’t pry my fingers from my lips. As I’m sure many parents can attest, you will never be so at the mercy of a moment as when you first see your child.

-I can’t stand bikers on the road. Global warming suits me just fine if it means less bikers on the road. What’s worse, many bikers don’t obey the traffic laws, which are the same laws to which drivers must adhere. What irks me most is when I take a detour into the left lane to avoid leveling a biker, and then I believe he is safely miles behind me. I’ll stop at a stop sign and sure enough…whoooosh; the biker blows by me and through the stop sign. I’ll have to take the left lane detour again a quarter of a mile ahead.

-42% of all Led Zeppelin lyrics are the word “baby.” 27% of that percentage is pronounced “baaaaaaabaaaaaaay!”

-Some knucklehead in Stowe Township shot and killed his girlfriend today, and then tried to commit suicide. The police got to him moments before the gas from the stove could shut his brain off. Authorities say he went to the hospital, and will recover. Ain’t that spiffy!? After his medical insurance-paid recovery, the taxpayers will fund his trial and several subsequent years in prison that will likely culminate in his being put to death. They should do it via the gas chamber just for shits and giggles.


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