Crabgrass is a Stupid Wanker

Dear Lawn Doctor,

Crabgrass is being a stupid wanker. I seriously really hate crabgrass so much I start compulsively punching myself up side my head when I even think about crabgrass. Now that it's springtime again the dickweed crabgrass is coming back and I seriously want to claw my eyes out right now. I did what you said last year and fertilized my lawn precisely as instructed and watered properly on a rigid timetable and the dumb crabgrass has germinated and is coming back again. I'm at wit's end.

For years my lawn was the envy of the neighborhood and everyone would comment how much they liked it. "Your lawn is lovely, Harold," or "Oh Harold, I'd kill to have a lawn at perfect as yours." People thought I was some kind of magical lawn care warlock. Now it's "Harold, I think you got a crabgrass patch over there. And over there. And I think that's some over there, too."  Hearing that makes me feel so ashamed that I want to bury my head between my legs and die, just seriously die right there with my head in my crotch.  Then I just start to get mad again. I just want to unleash a haymaker on the crabgrass right in its idiot crabgrass ball sack. I want to rip off the crabgrass's jerkass head and show it its decapitated crabgrass body. I want to get wasted and sleep with the crabgrass's mother just to humiliate it.

Okay, okay. Sorry. I just get a little uptight when I think about crabgrass. I just need a little help, I guess. Do you have any new advice on how to control a few crabgrass spots? I really did fertilize and water as you instructed last spring. But that ain't working. I tried again and again and nothing is working. Absolutely fuckin' nothing! Thanks. Thanks for the advice "Lawn Doctor." You’re a stupid jerk and you give shitty crabgrass advice. If you were a real doctor I would've died from a hangnail infection by now. Diagnosis: You're a dipshit. Prognosis: Blow me. In fact, maybe I should fertilize you, too. Maybe I should fertilize you with the business end of a shovel and water you with a watering can smash to you fat lame face. Someone should weed you like the crabgrass you promise to help people eradicate but they can't eradicate it because you really don't know a single goddamn stupid thing about proper crabgrass control.  

You know what? Now that you got me all revved up I think I'm going to go eradicate ALL crabgrass right now, but I'm going to do it my way. I'm going to grab my Remington 30 Aught 6 and blast the shit out of all the jackass crabgrass everywhere in the whole wide stupid world. Then my lawn will be as perfect as everyone else's again. How is that for a treatment plan, doctor? Look out crabgrass! Harold is going to reign hell on your asswipe crabgrass ass.  

By the way, any advice on tending a partially shaded backyard would be appreciated.

Harold