Chicks Don't Dig Pitchers' Duels

"Chicks dig the long ball." Well, that was the slogan of Major League baseball in the late 90's and early 00's when common players (those whose baseball cards are worth the obligatory 3 cents) were hitting 10+ homers per year, and the real brutes were clubbing upwards of 60. Things have changed since. Steroid use is closely monitored, and has presumably declined greatly. Advances stats have led to individualized offensive shifts, to the point where 7 position players are cluttered around short right field when Pedro Alvarez bats. Relief pitchers are more specialized; it seems each is bred and nurtured to foil a specific batter. For reasons such as these, offensive production in baseball is down. Here is a short, non-complete list of way to boast offensive production in baseball.

-No catchers. After a pitcher makes a pitch he has to quickly run to the backstop and retrieve the bouncing ball.

-No in-game pitching changes, no in-season roster moves, and no disabled lists. Did your pitcher just have Tommy John surgery a week ago? Too bad—play ball!

-Lower the mound to the point where it’s a 4-foot ditch under the rest of the playing field. (The pitcher would have to pitch the ball as if he's lobbing a hand grenade.)

-No force outs. Only tag outs.

-Shrink the strike zone to: bottom of batter's crotch to top of batter's crotch.

-Bats are filled with explosives. A well-struck ball causes the bat to immediately ignite into mini fireworks. (This will not increase offense per se, but it would be cool.)

-Legalize steroids for positions players only.

-Foul balls that make it to the upper deck are automatic three-run homers.

-Outfielders must walk/jog/run the ball back to the infield on balls in play.

-Allow ex-Pirates General manager David Littlefield to draft the pitchers for every team.

-The opposing dugout can target the other team's pitcher with pea-shooters, in-game.

-The whole outfield must shift one position to the left whenever one or more runners are on base—putting the left fielder in center field, the center fielder in right field, and the right fielder next to the hotdog vendor.

-Two players bat at once: a righty and a lefty.

-Play all games in Coor's Field.