Saturday, September 27, 2014

If You Say "It is what it is," One More Goddamn Time...

Seriously, go ahead and say "It is what it is" one more goddamn time and see if I don't wallop you square in your stupid slobbering face hole. BAM! THACK! BIFF! Did you like that? THAT, my friend, will be what "it is".

"It is what it is,"...sounds like a Forrest Gump catchphrase that was edited out of the original script for being too moronic.

But really, just go ahead and say it anyway. SAY IT. Say literally the stupidest thing a highly evolved educated biped with a class C drivers' license can say. I'm not sayin' that I'm the smartest guy in the world, or even that I know more than you. But do you know what I do know? Huh? Do you? I know that "It is what it 'friggin' "is." Let me ask you something to a man. When you say that "It is what it is" do you honestly believe that I think that "It" might be what "It" isn't? If you think that than you must also think that I'm completely incapacitated mentally to the point where I'd be grossly outwitted by a hunk of soggy driftwood. If that's the case why are you bothering to associate with me in the first place? Why aren't you just wiping snot on my shirt or trying to ring me with a hula-hoop from twenty five feet for shits and giggles.

In fact, rather than saying "It is what it is", you'd actually be much, much better served by telling me something—do pray ANYTHING—that "It" isn't. At least there's some chance—albeit an infinitely small chance—that I'd learn new information. Tell me "It" isn't my grandmother's childhood quilt. Tell me "It" isn't a neon green zeppelin airlifting tank tops to Siberia. For Christ's sake, tell me "It" isn't a quarterfinal-round ping pong match between two cross-eyed, jitterbugging pterodactyls playing for an all-expense paid vacation to your dumb drooling face hole that needs thoroughly socked. I fully understand that there's virtually no chance that "it" isn't one of those things, but at least you're telling me more information than exactly ZERO information. God I hate you.

Okay. Okay. Let me cool down a bit. Hold on. I'm cooling down…cooling down. Alright, let's do this. Let's break down the phrase "It is what it is" word for word. Lacking context, the word "It" can literally refer to anything. A snake…a pinwheel…a disassembled unicycle… ANYTHING! Therefore "it" isn't only normally one of the weakest words in the English language; without proper context "It" is utterly worthless. "It" is a useless turd. Okay, on we go to the word "is." Well "It" either "is" or "isn't", but since we have absolutely no idea what "It" is, "It" doesn’t matter if it "is" or "isn't." If each word in the sentence equals one step forward, we're already two steps into a pitch black room. Alrighty, now the word "what." The word is fine all by itself. For example:

"I balanced a walrus on a ballpeen hammer," said Herb.
"What?" asked Pam.
"I said I balanced a walrus on a ballpeen hammer," replied Herb.

See, when Pam said, or asked, "what?" Herb knew he needed to repeat himself. Pam might as well have said "pardon," or "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY?!" But, the word "what" in the phrase "It is what it is," is a pronoun that stands in for "whatever," or "anything." In other words, the word "what" allows nil headway toward any meaning whatsoever. Thus far, we have a triple nothing, of sorts, which is worse than a triple negative because at least a triple negative is still a conclusive negative. As for the final two words "it" and "is", reread the first half of this paragraph. Not only is the phrase "It is what it is," barren of any whiff of sense in-an-of-itself, the futility of "it is" is duplicated within a measly five words.

The bottom line here is that the phrase "It is what it is," is always—ALWAYS—implied. The phrase is always implied by using the same logic as in the following example: The fact that my necktie is black with squiggly green lines is always implied because, in fact, my necktie is always black with squiggly green lines. Duh!

So, know that you know what you know—dammit all, now you got me doing it—never tell me "It is what it is," ever again. Because, I swear on every bloated jellyfish in the godforsaken Jersey coastline, if you say "It is what it is," one more cotton pickin' time I'll…I'll…wallop in the stupid slobbering face hole who I'll wallop in the stupid slobbering face hole.

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