Wednesday, March 22, 2017

What I've Noticed Since I Quit the Daily News Cold Turkey

1. The night terrors are in gradual remission.

2. The sun.

3. I'm getting boners again.

4. Laughter is still a thing, somehow.

5. I can have a conversation just about baseball.

6. The lesions on the back of my neck are healing after week-upon-week of subconsciously clawing at my skin.

7. I have new neighbors (hi, Pam and Emmet—I’ll shovel the sidewalk soon, I promise).

8. I haven't overstepped the data limit on my cell phone plan this month.

9. Hot damn! Did I mention the awesome boner resurgence?

10. There's a knee-high pile of junk mail (mostly Comcast Triple Play deals) on the porch.

11. The tail of a dead squirrel is sticking out of my gutter.

12. Jesus, how long has the downstairs closet smelled like a tire fire?

13. Wait, what the hell are these Facebook posts referring to?

14. Why does everyone I respect intellectually look so glum?

15. I'm sorry, but did I overhear you correctly? Please tell me I didn’t just hear that Trump’s fucking budget proposal eliminates funding to…

16. AAAHHH!!

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