Thursday, October 27, 2016

Head Bash: Gnardbro's Bodacious Brain Trauma Game

Congratulations on your purchase of Head Bash, the newest most exhilarating board game on the pre-teen market.

Hey kids! Cut from your Pee-Wee football team? Not able to slap on the shoulder pads and break though the paper banner with the squad? Is your unemployed and divorced father fuming because he can't relive his fifth-grade glory days through his one and only son? Good news. Head Bash is the board game for those who aren't on the roster, but still want to experience all the brain trauma and crippling head injuries only the finest prepubescent athlete endures. Head Bash is a full-on blitz amongst players along a treacherous path through fading memories and double vision. First one to Uncle Henry's Hospice wins! So grab your friends and plan a night of Head Bash. We promise an unforgettable night you'll never remember…because of real brain damage.  

Ages: 6-12

Number of Players: 2-6.

Objective: Be the first player to reach Uncle Henry's Hospice.

Six Tokens: Crutches. Ice Pack. Bottle of Percocet. Battered Wife. Body Bag. Junior Seau.

Misc: One oak wood 2x4. One pad of Release Of Liability forms.* One drool cup. One drop seizure helmet.

How Head Bash Is Played: Each player selects one token and places it on the "Start" square—the picture of the happy-go-lucky grade-schooler below the quote "I got my whole life ahead of me,"—located in the bottom left corner of the game board. Players take turns rolling the dice (on their futures) and lumber step-by-excruciating-step along the winding path of NFL logos. But there's a twist! Player movement is determined by the number on the bottom (because that's where life is headed) of the dice. First player to Uncle Henry's Hospice wins. It's that simple!

But beware the Weeping Widow spaces along the path. If a player lands on one of these spaces, he/she draws a black card from atop the pile and follows instructions.


Head Bash (12 cards): The most numerous card, and the crux of Head Bash. If the drawn card has a Head Bash logo, every player takes turns bashing you on the forehead as hard as humanly possible with the included solid-as-fuck 2x4. (Note: If the included 2x4 becomes damaged by excessive gameplay, blunt household items/tools, such as a ballpeen hammer or lawn jockey statue, may be substituted.) You do not have to go back any spaces, but the resulting brain trauma will certainly make it exponentially harder to persevere throughout the game.

Ringing Bell (8 cards): Your bell has been rung. In other words, it’s just a glancing blow—by a blitzing linebacker, a gone berserk left tackle, a drunk father with a closed fist but bad aim, etc. Go back two spaces.

Defenseless Receiver (6 cards): You've just caught a tight spiral after cutting back toward the middle of the field for a significant gain, but the closing cornerback has no regard for life or limb and squarely lambastes you with a head-to-head rocket shot. But huzzah, you hung on to the football! Go ahead five spaces, but lose a turn.

Dark Room (4 cards): Uh-oh! You have sustained an in-game head hit and are led into the dark room via stretcher on a cart for a concussion test. Will you return to the game? Roll a single die.
Roll a 6-immediate return.
Roll a 5-probable return (lose one turn).
Roll a 4-questionable return (lose two turns).
Roll a 3-improbable return (lose three turns).
Roll a 2-out for game (you lose).
Roll a 1-out forever (you shall never play Head Bash, or perform a typically simple task, such as walking a mixed-breed terrier or operating a blender, again).

"Rub A Little Dirt On It" (3 cards): Like the Head Bash card, but you must hit yourself in the head with the included 2x4 as hard as humanly possible. Then, "rub a little dirt on it" and resume play the next turn.

C.T.E. (2 cards): Oh great! You've sustained enough repeated head blows and now you have the brain of a 127 year old. Take the number 127, minus your current age. The resulting number is how many turns you lose. In the meantime, enjoy turkey dinner through a straw while gently weeping over a scrapbook of good times long gone, like when you could pass a sobriety test while sober.

Suicide Note (1 card): The dementia, depression, and tireless longing for even the slightest iota of normalcy is simply too much to bear and you've shot yourself in the chest so doctors can study your brain. Pity! You lose, but your exit is dignified. Better luck next time. 

Murder-Suicide (1 card): Holy fuck!!! You strangled your wife and kids with your constantly trembling bare hands, and then jumped off the nearest turnpike overpass. Like the Suicide Note card, you've reached the bitter end of your rope. However, you've chosen a shameful route to end it all. You lose. Hit the showers until next game, Buster.

*Gnardbro sincerely hopes that Head Bash provides players lifelong fun. However, please be sure that each player signs an included Release Of Liability form and mails it to the address on the bottom of the form ASAP. This ensures that Gnardbro is not responsible for any injuries, from minor to perpetually debilitating, sustained during gameplay. The drool cup and drop seizure helmet are provided for your convenience and well-being. Otherwise, you're on your own. Hope it was all worth it.

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