Saturday, January 7, 2012

Goaltending Scouting Report: Jabba the Hutt

My intergalactic search to identify a suitable starting goaltender has taken me to the far-off desert planet of Tatoonie. I have observed someone/something who I believe we should consider offering a long-term contract: a Hutt crime lord known as Jabba.

Pros: Jabba the Hutt has several natural advantages—especially physically—that I believe would allow him to become an exemplary netminder. His 1,700-pound blimp-like frame would prevent cannon-fire from entering a mountain tunnel, let alone a puck from entering a net. His complete lack of lateral movement is negligible, considering size. Rebound control and shot recovery also exceed standard, since body structure is that of a gluttonous blob which tends to “gobble” pucks, rather than deflect them. In short: plop something the size of a baby sperm whale in front of a four-foot high, six-foot wide net, and rely on simple physics.

Cons: When not tending goal, Jabba the Hutt is a ruthless gangster and intergalactic fugitive; signing him may spur a public relations nightmare. Furthermore, his insatiable appetite for slave girls and/or cheerleaders may eventually lead to a league investigation possibly resulting in hefty fines, extended suspensions, and first-degree murder charges. He also insists on keeping a rancor monster in the penalty box, which means a simple two-minute minor will inevitably lead to a prolonged play-stoppage to scrub bloody guts from the ice. Lastly, his sexual aggression toward Zamboni machines is…well…it would not permit the kind of kid-friendly intermission the league encourages. He also leaves a trail of green slime wherever he goes.

If given the nod, I will approach Jabba the Hutt with a multi-year contract. Concerning monetary compensation for services, I will attempt to negotiate. Depending upon my success, I will either return to Earth with our new franchise goaltender ASAP, or be consumed like a cheese casserole.

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