Saturday, January 7, 2012

Week 12 Power Rankings: Tuckersville Slow Pitch Softball League

Shake-ups abound after another raucous week in the Tuckersville 40+ slow pitch league.  Week 12 has proven that the dynamics of an entire league can be drastically altered in a blink. All it takes is the world's worst managerial decision (comon', pinch hitting a man in a coma!?), a bench-clearing faux pas that had spectators aghast, and the arrest of a certain right fielder (yeah, that schmuck again) who has been charged with his 5th DUI in 3 years.  Here are the rankings.

1.       Jolly Miser Tavern (up 1) -As far as I’m concerned the season-long debate over which local establishment is the best/least completely ramshackle dive bar in Tuckersville has concluded with the Miser’s 1-0 win over arch-rivals Come On Inn last Tuesday night.  As a sports spectacle the game left much to be desired since a soft toss pitcher’s duel between two middle-aged unemployed divorcees is nearly as wrenching as watching the blood gradually drain out of a weeping teddy bear’s ruptured snout. 

2.      Garth’s Hardware (up  4)-Just when everyone thought that the team was doomed to another season of despair, three decisive wins in less than a week has proven otherwise.  Third baseman, and company owner, Garth Hendershot hit for the cycle on Thursday although the elusive triple was merely the product of Hendershot pulling up lame while rounding second base as the left fielder desperately searched for the ball in the knee-high yellow toadflax weeds beyond the foul line.  Teammates successfully drug a writhing Hendershot to third base, and ultimately a win.

3.      Dry Bones Waterproofing (up 5)-The largest climb in this week’s power rankings.  The team responded admirably to three recent lawsuits filed by disgruntled homeowners after last Monday’s heavy downpour.  Dry Bones outscored their opponents 17-4 over the week and is likely to secure a spot in the playoffs if things keep up.  One word of caution though—never, under any circumstances, sign a contract with Dry Bones Waterproofing for your basement waterproofing needs.

4.      Come On Inn (no change)-This team should’ve beaten the Jolly Miser Tavern last Tuesday.  Trailing by 1 run, with the bases loaded and no outs in the bottom of the 9th, manager Clint Finklestein actually handed the umpire a lineup card declaring Ray Fudd as the pinch hitter.  Folks, Ray Fudd has been in a coma at Tuckersville Mercy Hospital since April.  When asked after the game, Finklestein said the incident was a “slight oversight...I couldn’t see all the way to the end of the bench.”  Since friggin’ April!  The umpire was so confounded he called the game.

5.      Bunyan’s Lumber (up 2)-Ironically, a team with the word Bunyan in its title has the most stolen bases to date.  They also have the league’s most dominant hitter, Paul Burt, the freakishly powerful simpleton who is as celebrated for hauling stacks of white oak two-by-fours into your flatbed truck as he is for launching thunderous home runs.  His attention span is suspect though.  He once spent a half hour attempting to snatch a meandering dandelion fuzzy from midair while the opposing team batted around twice.

6.      Chaz Mackenzie Automotive (down 7)-I almost feel bad dropping this team down 6 spots since last week.  Not only has the team’s namesake not sold a car in over two weeks, their center fielder, Thomas Ripley, has been arrested again at a DUI checkpoint on Route 21 and will being doing considerable time in the Shank County Jail.  When asked if his team might conjure a second wind by rallying around the embattled centerfielder, team owner Chad Mackenzie replied with an emphatic “Fuck him.”  

7.      Kerpluck Pool Supplies (down 2)-An appropriate name for a team that has fallen from the 2 spot since opening day.  They simply do not command any phase of the game.  However, perennial backup catcher Chuck Lewendowski, who was idling at the bench’s end, did let loose a belch for the ages with two outs and runners on first and third in the bottom of the fifth during a tight game against Dry Bones On Monday.  Several children and one enfeebled bystander had to be escorted from the bleachers to the safety of the concessions stand.  All affected returned to their seats once the tainted air was wafted away by a wispy breeze.

8.      Brandon Textiles (down 5)- Their early season late-inning heroics have dried-up and the precipitous tumble has begun.  With no end in sight it seems tensions may have boiled over when leadoff batter Lenny Turnhauer coldcocked home plate umpire Harold Stein during a heated exchange BEFORE the national anthem.  Turns outs the two are neighbors and a substantial portion of Turnhauer’s maple tree’s root structure intrudes on Stein’s property and is threatening to crack his driveway.  Residents of Bluebird Street say the two have come to blows quite often over this matter.

9.      Budget Medical Supplies (no change)- Not only has the team been lousy the company behind the team has filed for bankruptcy.  Business owner and relief pitcher Quincy Klinefelder has yet to confirm that the beleaguered squad will disband, but he has hinted at the possibility.   The team owes a collective $545.00 in entrance fees (plus late penalties) since 2008, and is unlikely to become solvent anytime soon.  Furthermore, Klinefelder has been in a state of mental decay since his franchise began crumbling around him.  Last night’s drubbing at the hands of Bunyan’s Lumber makes it all the more likely he become completely psychologically unhinged.  Even in the throes of such tragedy, it is unlikely that league officials will waive the fees. 

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