Surely, I’m not the only one wrought with guilt whenever I consider how many emaciated children have, sadly, never seen oversized pierogies compete in a footrace after the 5th inning of a Pittsburgh Pirates game at PNC Park. I have decided to forge a campaign that would bring the Great Pierogi Race to the starving children of the world?
Upon checking the Pittsburgh Pirates website, I was delighted to discover that the organization has a program that grants guest appearances of the famed racing pierogies: Sauerkraut Saul, Bacon Burt, Oliver Onion, Jalapeno Hanna Cheese Chester. I am determined to make my contribution to the world. However, there are challenges.
Many of the faraway countries where the pierogies are most needed are worldwide “hot spots” rampant with deadly communicable diseases, criminal activity, and vicious dictatorships overseen by cutthroat mercenaries--all less-than-ideal environments for Sauerkraut Saul or Jalapeno Hanna. In fairness, I must point out that the five pierogies have the collective IQ of an average six year old.
That aside, I have carefully calculated the dark side of airdropping our friendly foodstuffs into a Sunni-Shiite civil war, or worse, projected the outcry if Oliver Onion is beheaded on shaky handheld video. Furthermore, I can't deny similar past failures; critics may recall the failed NBA scouting campaign of '93 when the Phoenix Sun Gorilla was brutally gunned down by Sudanese border guards.
Sure, the short-term and long-term consequences may be equally gruesome and horrific, but the pay-off would certainly be heart-warming.
Setting aside the negatives, I have already contacted as many humanitarian organizations as I could to pitch my idea and perhaps drum-up support. Some replies from so-called charitable organizations are as follows: Kid Care Incorporated called my idea "irrational," A Bright Light on the Dark Continent said "your heart is in the right place but your head is in a dangerously wrong place," and Doves Across the Ocean simply referred to me as a "goddamn moron." What the WTF is up with that?
Simply stated, what I need now is support. I am here to recruit more so-called irrational morons to take the Great Pierogi Race to starving children all over the planet. We need to do whatever it takes to make this a reality: March to PNC Park and tie yourself to a foul pole to get Bacon Burt on a boat to Bosnia. We need to export the Great Pierogi Race to the darkest, most hungry parts of the globe.